notes on fasting

I just wrote an email to one of my ana buddies about fasting. And after I sent it I realised that it was actually a pretty good description of what it was like for me. So I have posted it below. If any of you reading has ever considered fasting, I highly recommend it. Please read how I found it and I hope that it encourages some of you to try it.

"Oh hun, I really, really suggest you try fasting then. I used to be just like that. I felt like I needed food all the time and I never really felt like I could go without it and I really struggled to eat less.

Then one day, I had a really bad day and thought stuff it, I'm not going to eat today just so that I can say I achieved something today. And believe me, the first couple of hours are tough. I was so used to eating because I was bored or sad or whatever. And the first couple of hours were just wanting to eat because that's what I normally do. And once I passed that stage and real hunger set in, it got harder because then I was actually hungry and I wanted to eat. But I just thought, I have to do this and so I didn't eat. And when I passed the point of hunger, I was so proud!

I think by then I was running on pure adrenalin and I was in awe of me not eating food for that long and not being hungry. By then I was so far into my fast that I thought I can't give up now. Let me tell you, once you reach this stage you feel so mighty and powerful. It's so hard to explain, it's something you have to experience to understand it. 18hours in, no food, not feeling hungry, wired on adrenalin and you are simply filled with a rush of power.

I had never felt so in control in my life. There are simply no words to describe the amount of power that filled me. I knew at that point that I could do it and so that first experimental fast of mine lasted 2 days. And I didn't feel hungry, I was perfectly happy drinking cups of hot tea and coffee. It was a 2 day long high, I'd never felt so happy, the emptiness in my tummy reminded me of lightness, I was in control, of everything.

And once you've felt it, you'd do anything to feel it again. So for a while I did week long liquid fasts and nothing I've ever done has made me feel that accomplished.

It may not be an easy first step to take but you will have to just bite the bullet and pick a day and fast for 24 hours. Then you understand that you can go without food, you understand that you don't need food at all and that you feel a whole lot better without it. It's the drug that makes you thinner!

I did 5 day fasts and then ate on weekends for about 3 months and dropped lots of weight. Then I got really anaemic and that made me really short of breath and then I started getting super bad muscle spasms in my feet because I was so low in potassium. I never told anybody because I didn't want to be hospitalised, but I did have to start eating more again. Now I fast in a more controlled manner but still, nothing comes close to that feeling.

With summer approaching again I will start the fasting again and I will drop the weight!"

RAAAAGE!!!! (over fat people and Mila Kunis cops some flack)

There has been something that has got up my hooter. I know that Black Swan was a while ago now and the comments that Mila Kunis made about weight loss were equally long ago, but someone brought it up recently and it got right up my nose so brace yourself for another rant.

I am frankly sick and tired of fat people making excuses about why they are fat. Oh, it's genetics, oh, it's big bones, oh, it's slow metabolism. BULLSHIT. I don't know if any of you watch a TV series called "Embarrassing Fat Bodies" but it has basically proved that each of these little theories that fat people use to make themselves feel better are absolutely positively false.

The slow metabolism one is my favourite pet peeve. Slow metabolism my ass. Want to know who has slow metabolism? Anorexic people, severely underweight and malnourished people. So, my friends, if thin people are more likely to have slow metabolism, by deduction, who do you think will have fast metabolism? Fat people! The fact of the matter is, metabolism is determined by body mass, the bigger you are, the faster your metabolism. Metabolic rate is made of 3 parts. The energy your body needs to keep all its cells functioning, the energy used to produce body heat and the energy used to digest food. Fat people have more cells, produce more body heat and eat more and so they have faster metabolic rates. As I said, slow metabolism my ass.

The big bones one doesn't bother so much as it is so obviously bullshit. Look at a fat person, does it look like they have huge bones? No. They just look like they have lots of layers of fat. In fact, it would be good if a fat person had "big bones" and by that I mean "dense bones". The increased load that the extra weight puts stress on the bones and they should become more dense in order to deal with it. Unfortunately, most fat people eat junk food and so actually don't have much nutrition and so they don't get dense bones. This makes them more at risk of breaking their bones. The thing is, the fat causes the dense bones, not the other way round.

Nooooow, for the genetics *cracks knuckles*. Oh yes, it is perfectly true that there are those among us who have a genetic predisposition for obesity. But that is just genetic potential. It's what we do with the potential that actually defines what happens. Now, in embarrassing fat bodies, they tested the genetics of a family of fat people who were convinced that they were genetically fat and they also tested the genetics of their doctor who was a normal sized lady. They scored each person based on how genetically likely they were to be obese. Every person in the family scored very low and the doctor had an extremely high score. This means that out of all these people, the thin doctor was genetically the most likely to be obese. So, a genetic potential is a genetic potential. If you eat right and exercise, nothing in this world can make you gain weight. If you eat less calories than you use, you lose weight. And even if you have no genetic predisposition to get fat, you will get fat if you eat too much and sit on the couch.

These are just all excuses for laziness and not wanting to face up to the truth. I hold a certain amount of respect for fat people who front up and say "I'm fat because I eat too much". I also hold a certain respect for fat people who I see at the gym or out running because these are the people who have decided to do something practical and lose the weight instead of sitting on their asses and complaining and making excuses.

Now Mila Kunis was slagged off widely online and in the media for saying that anyone can lose weight. WTF. I don't understand why she was slagged off. What she said was perfectly true. It's just fat people getting defensive and other people labouring under political correctness. I think by now you have realised that my blog is horrendously politically incorrect and I am pretty straight up in saying what I think is true.

I hate all the excuses we as a race make for those who are fat. I hate how obesity has become almost accepted. Especially where I live, a size 14-16 has become "normal". WTF it is not normal, size 14 is freaking huge. Somehow the general public has come to accept the lies and excuses made by fat people. We tolerate them, we think, oh, poor fat person, maybe they are genetically like that or maybe they have a slow metabolism. Bullshit, they are just lazy.

Mila Kunis was absolutely correct. I read a comment online about what she said. It said that oh, there are some fat people who just can't lose weight and skinny people who believe what she said have no hearts or souls. Fired me right up! Fat people can lose weight if they put in the work. If they worked out 8 hours a day and ate 1200cal in 5 small meals like Mila Kunis did for Black Swan, each and every one of them would drop weight.

Plus, look at The Biggest Loser. Morbidly obese people who are kicked into action by tough trainers and forced to stick to a healthy diet. They lose hundreds of pounds. These are people who have been fat their whole lives and come from fat families. (By the way, the reason families are fat is because families eat together and tend to have similar exercise routines and so tend to have the same weight ranges.) It just goes to show that if you work hard, you will lose the weight. Anyone who is forced to eat less and work out more will lose weight. End of story.

the same old tricks and DSM-IV diagnosis

Firstly, thank you to Krystal for your lovely comment on my last post. You're always so supportive and I love how you always seem to understand what I mean. I love your comments!

Now that it is well and truly exam season I'm going back to the same old routine that always happens when I do exams. I am now going to attempt to explain why this time it is the same things but with a big difference.

I'm 21 years old now and I've sat my fair share of exams. I've been at university for 5 years now and have developed my own way of coping with the medical school exams. There are a few things that always seems to happen.

1. I start eating lots of junk food. No regular meals, just some sort of continuous stream of weird food.

2. I start writing lots, this time it is in blog format, before it was in journals. Always some sort of contemplative, reflective piece. I always try to sort out major life issues during exams.

3. I plan lots of things to do after exams, it seems like I'm doing my utmost to distract myself doesn't it.

4. I spend a lot of money on casual "study" clothes, hoodies, loose pants, shorts, things that I normally wouldn't wear. I buy them online at bargain prices, they never arrive early enough for me to actually wear them during study and so I never wear them.

5. I buy the things that I have been putting off buying all of that year, things that I said I wouldn't buy because people wouldn't approve, like tapers for stretching my ears.

6. And possibly the most important rule...anything goes. I do whatever I want to. As long as it keeps me calm enough to do some form of study, I will do it.

The difference this year is that even though anything goes, I am still very concerned about my weight. And this isn't something that has ever happened before. I have never worried about exam weight. It was always something that needed to happen in order for me to pass and so it didn't matter. But this time, I'm worried about it and I'm making plans of how to lose weight after exams.

To me, this is a real sign of how far I have come in the course of this year in terms of eating disorders. Now it is something that can't be fixed by someone telling me quite honestly that I am beautiful. It is something that won't go away no matter how much people get worried. It is something that won't go away no matter how much people tell me I don't lose weight or look thin. It is something that won't go away, not even if my career is threatened (and it has been, even if he was joking, I know there is some truth behind it).

I think about being thin with each bite of food that I take. Even if I'm binging, I'm acutely aware of my eating, making most of my eating very unenjoyable. But yet I still binge. And yet I can't bring myself to purge because each time I stand over the toilet I think about Mallory Weiss tears and decaying teeth. But I still binge, and I hate myself for it.

During exams, this becomes acceptable, just this time, it becomes something I will deal with later. I think it's fair to say that this has become something that is definitely here to stay.

I've dug up a copy of the DSM-IV and it would appear that I meet some of the criteria for anorexia nervosa and some of the criteria for bulimia. This surprised me a lot because I never thought I would meet any features of bulimia, but then I didn't realise exercise and starvation could be a method of purging. I thought purging was only self induced vomiting. I meet all of the requirements for anorexia except I am still in the normal weight range (but I'm working on that one!). So right now I qualify as EDNOS. Although there has been a lot of discussion about this, as 90% of those with eating disorders have EDNOS, and this suggests that criteria for anorexia and bulimia are too stringent.

The whole point of EDNOS is to have a category to put those who are harder to diagnose, and if 90% of those with eating disorders can't fall into a proper diagnosis then there is something wrong with the categories. I wonder what the DSM-V will have.

I wonder if I will fulfill criteria for anorexia in future.

the dream of size 0

There must come a time in everyone's life when enough is enough and we realise that to get the things we want, we have to work to earn it or reach up and take it. And I think that it takes a certain amount of courage to come to that realisation. And sometimes we have to risk losing what we have now in order to get everything that we have ever wanted.

For as long as I can remember, I dream of size 0. I think about it every day and it is always in the back of my mind. I can't even say that I want it because want isn't the appropriate word at all. I need it with every fibre of my being. I feel like I am a thin person stuck in a fat person's body. Every now and then I will forget about how fat I am and spend a glorious few minutes believing that I am size 0. I can even feel a gap between my thighs and a hollow in my abdomen. Then I will walk past a mirror and be reminded of the disgusting truth.

I've proved to myself this year that I can lose weight. I might have yoyo-ed up and down, but with a net loss of 10kg I can't complain. With this focus, and proof of my capabilities, I should have no trouble dropping more weight in summer. For once in my life I will look good in a swimsuit on holiday. I will not be ashamed to by summer clothes. I will not be too ashamed to go to the beach with my friends. I am determined to feel good about myself.

With the amount of work I am putting into exams, I know that if I can transfer this into working out and dieting, I will be able to drop weight. I am also looking for a dress for the Christmas party and although I don't know when it will be, I am determined to be thin for it. For some reason one of the things I've been thinking a lot about has been being able to sit on someone's knee. Not that I have done anything of the sort since I was maybe 7 or 8 but I really do miss the feeling of being cuddled on someone's knee. I don't know if I will ever experience it again, but if I'm ever given the tiniest chance, I will be thin enough. I will not crush the legs of whatever poor man who is brave enough to offer them. I want to be thin enough for him to put his arm all the way around my waist. Light enough for him to lift me up without straining himself.

I want to be able to sit on someone's knee and cross my legs and have my ankles next to each other, not one leg in the air because there is too much fat in the way for my legs to sit on each other. There are so many things that I want and all of them could be mine if I lost a lot of weight. So if that's what I want then that's what I will do.

I will lose weight and be happy.

eating disorder bracelets and thoughts

"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

And I open with one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite authors. I'm not sure if that is the correct way of describing The Bard, but whatever, you get the point, big props to that guy.

Sorry for the absence, it's exam season and this hell pit will be over in just over 3 weeks and so in 3 weeks time my usual posts and weight loss attempts with reinstate themselves in this blog. Meanwhile I'm in a rather contemplative mood and since I've given up dieting for exam season and made studying my number one priority a few things have happened:

1. I've gained 5 pounds because, as it turns out, I will cook and eat as a form of procrastination and also as a way of coping with stress.

2. Because of the weight gain and stress I'm more and more tempted by self harm again.

3. It's now almost summer and once again my arm is not the most ideal location even though I like it the most.

4. I have discovered the art of scarification and am seriously considering it

5. Faced with these exams I'm coming to the realisation that I will be released into the workforce soon and am thinking about my future.

And I guess in saying all that, I'm trying to say that I'm evolving somewhat as a person. And I'm thinking more and more about why I want to be thin and what I'm willing to do and to sacrifice to be thin. I'm thinking about where my future is headed and that is intrinsically linked with my weight and my self harming. I was reading something online recently about the eating disorder bracelets and I'm out to make myself some.

Red=Ana

Pink=EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)

Blue=Depression

Purple=Mia

Black or Orange=Self Harm

Green=Fasting

Yellow=Suicidal

If white is added to any of the colours it signifies recovery.

For me, I am making myself a pink and black bracelet. Or a pink bracelet and a black one, haven't decided yet. Pink for EDNOS as I do not fulfill full criteria for Ana or Mia but certainly have features of some sort of eating disorder. And black for self harm, because I don't like the colour orange.

I've come a long way since the time this blog started. I'm much more secure in my identity as someone with an eating disorder and self harmer. I'm almost proud of it. It's a part of me that will never go away. I will never feel thin enough, I will always feel some urge to cut myself. And I've noticed it's not just cutting myself, I will scratch my legs until they bleed and pick at scabs, especially ones around my ankles (from all the high heels!) and I will dig my fingernails into myself. It's so much a part of who I am. And I don't want those parts of me to go away. They set me apart from other people, they give me a sense of identity. In a strange way, they provide me with a safe sort of happiness, a sort of happiness that I know I can have if I lose weight or hurt myself. It's a guarded happiness that I can give myself at any time, independent of all other aspects of my life.

It's something that someone who has never dabbled in self harm or an eating disorder could possibly understand. I realise that to a "normal" person, these things probably seem totally ludicrous, yet here I am saying that they are almost integral to my existence. I don't know if I was born to this fate or if I have simply passed a point of no return. I don't know how others would react if they found out about this aspect of my life; would they reject me, would they show disgust, would they feel pity or would they understand?

Someone I respect very much once told me that there are two things are the root of all things: love and fear. And how right she is. I can hark on and on about my life but the be all and end all is that I want to end my life because I cannot feel love. If I am to look at things objectively, even I will admit that I am treated extremely well by almost everyone in my life. My family and friends clearly care about me a great deal, as do TS and J and SPM and other colleagues, I am sure. And where the professor comes in, well, for all my fear and all the insecurities, the fact remains that everyone I know tells me that he likes me, treats me better than any student and he has told me himself that he doesn't treat me like a student. Yet for some reason, despite the lunches and coffees and pet names, I cannot get it into my head that he feels anything but disdain for me.

There are moments when the care that these people exhibit is so great that it is enough to confuse my brain. When all logic and all reason and every cue is telling me that this person loves me, and the feeling is so strong that it makes parts of me scream, absolutely scream, hoping that maybe this time I will believe it. And those parts of me do believe it, but there is always something there, some sneering voice that tells me it's all a lie. And these are the parts of me that can dissect the situation and turn everything around. The abnormal gestures of love become normalised into mannerisms and habit and no more meaningful than a hello an acquaintance might mutter in passing. Or worse it becomes pity, or a gesture made to please someone else. Why can't I just believe it?

God knows I would be so very happy if I could just take things at face value. Is that why I always present myself as painfully honest and blunt? I would hate for someone to be confused about how I feel about them. I try to make it very clear.

And now I see that I will never get what I want. Nothing will ever be enough. Love is not enough. Because I have love, I have a vast abundance of love, I have love from people who do not dish it out freely, if at all, to others. I think this is what I want to control. So many people say that eating disorders stem from a need for control. And I've always thought that this didn't apply to me because well, my life is in control. But now I see, this is where my life is chaotic. I am constantly bombarded by the affection of people and yet I can't interpret it correctly.

I don't particularly care about the motivations to be honest. It's just a bit interesting is all. For the moment, in my mind, if I am thin then I will feel loved. If I am fat then I am totally unworthy of it. That's all I need to know.

stomach flu and jeans

The problem with trying to describe what size I am is that NZ sizing is a wee bit different from the rest of the world... here is what the mighty internet had to say about what NZ sizes correspond to:

NZ sizing roughly corresponds to UK sizing, so a NZ10 is a UK10, US8 and EU36.

Recently I've been a size 6 or size 8 NZ, depending on brand.

Today, I squeezed myself into a pair of size 6 jeans. NEVER in my life did I think I could fit into size 6 jeans. But I guess that fits with US4 which is the size of clothes I get online. It makes me feel a bit sad because there was one crazy period of my life when I thought that I was a US0 because my measurements fit with some ones I read online.

But mind you, when I say that I squeezed myself into that pair of jeans, I mean SQUEEZED. I was sort of falling around my room struggling to button it up but once I managed it, well, things didn't really improve. I can walk in them, but sitting isn't the most comfortable thing in the world.

As you can probably tell, I went to get some trial clothes today. I've always had this pair of trial pants, they are made of pink canvas and are beautiful but strangely, they zip up at the back, right over the bum crack. And this zip, it doesn't work very well at all. For the longest time ever I thought that I couldn't zip them up because I was too fat but recently it has become very apparent that the pants fit me very well, I just couldn't do the zip up because the zip just doesn't go up anyway.

So I bought my size 6 jeans today and a singlet as trial clothes. They do fit, as in, I can squeeze into them but they don't look good. I think another 10lbs or so and they should fit nicely. So I should be able to fit them reasonable soon so as to not make me lose motivation. Looking forward to looking thin in those jeans!

rules and regulations

Since I'm about to enter exam season (well, technically I already am in exam season but I'm also procrastinating desperately) and I know that this is when I put on lots of weight because I tend to cook and eat as procrastination. So I'm going to set up some rules for myself to follow through this period of time, and hopefully carry it onwards. I will only allow myself to break these rules under one condition and that is if I am ever eating with the professor in which case I will eat as much as I can or he will kick my ass. And when I say "kick my ass" I mean "fire my ass".

Here are the rules I can think of. Please, please comment with any tricks that you might use and find really useful. I'm willing to take absolutely everything on board to reach my ultimate goal weight.

1. No eating after 5pm

2. No carbs

3. No junk food, no fried food

4. 2 glasses of water/coke zero with every meal

5. No sugar in coffee

6. Never eat until I feel full, only eat until I'm 50% full max and fill the rest up with water

7. No purging. I know that purging will fix a lot of my problems, but it will be damn hard to hide in a flat full of friends.

8. Only eat out when it is unavoidable

9. No more than 300cal per day but if I must, then I will exercise off all the estimated excess

10. Whenever I feel tempted to eat, I will subtract 7 from 100 and keep going and then ask Ana if I need it. The answer is always no.

11. Getting to my goal weight is most important

12. I will carry the size of my new stomach everywhere. If I am going to eat in an uncontrolled environment eg. not at home, I will hold onto the capsule to remind myself of how big my stomach actually is