walking slow circles around "progress".

"Don't tear me down for all I need."

And yet again I have managed another lengthy absence without meaning to. I really wish I had more to say to you all. I wish I had come on here to be like, so I've lost 8kg and now I weigh 50kg and am starting to get a thigh gap and my collarbones and ribs stick out. 

But no. I weigh 56kg. Which given the time off that I've had is frankly pathetic. 2kg is all I've managed to shift. Pathetic! All I have to do is drink water and that goes up. I pee and it comes down. I am so not satisfied. All my fat is still there as it ever was, I never really restrict enough for it to be burned away, I never really work out enough for muscle to show through. So basically my fluctuations in weight are based on how often I go to the loo. And that makes me want to give up. 

In short, I have to be honest and say that I've not been trying. I will have these piercing moments of motivation, usually in the middle of the night, where I say I will get up and go for a run and then do yoga and then go to work and then hit the gym and eat 500cal the whole day. And that never happens. I end up crawling out of bed to work, back into bed and 1500-2000cal goes in in the meantime. 

Moving hospitals, having a boyfriend, it's all lulled me into this sense of complete apathy where both stress me out in different ways and result in me being stressed out completely that I just make myself numb and feel nothing. 

I can't even begin to talk about work. It sucks. And I'm bored so I eat. The end. 

I don't want to begin to talk about the boyfriend. There are so many layers of fucked-upness in my head. But what is clear is that he is a nice, stable, caring guy and I am generating all the problems in our relationship. With my demands that stem from insecurity blah blah blah. And my selfishness which means that I have no idea what he likes but he knows exactly what to do for me. Basically I struck gold and he lucked out. I'm just waiting for him to leave me. 

And I swore I would never be one of those girls, but I am so scared of him leaving me that I've started using sex as...a tool to keep him. He's not dumb. He'll notice that soon. I have nothing to offer him, and that is not a position I ever imagined myself in. 

But the upside to all this is that I'm currently on nights which makes restricting somewhat easier. I can eat a bit of my one meal a day and then not eat again for 24 hours, slowly weaning myself off the constant eating that I have been doing. Maybe one day in the coming month I will fast. Maybe when my boyfriend goes on his 6 week business trip I will fast for 6 weeks. Maybe he won't be my boyfriend when that happens. 

Everything is just total resignation right now. 

knowledge is power

"We give and take a little more, the eternal game of tug and war. Power and control."

The endless pit that is my stomach rumbles shamelessly and the noise seems to echo through my ears. I'm convinced that the whole room can hear it. Ramming my fist into my abdomen in a vain attempt to curb the sound, I stubbornly continue to flick through my stack of x-rays. It's a test and a woman stands over my shoulder, listening to my every word. It is the final test, in many ways I am already qualified. 

The words spill from my mouth in such rapid succession that my fellow clinicians look concerned. I'm so mechanical in this, I barely know what I'm saying myself, my voice sounds like a far away drone and in my state, the words mean nothing. "PA erect chest x-ray of an elderly female patient of good penetration and minimal rotation. There are no obvious bony defects or soft tissue swellings. Gross cardiomegaly is present with increased interstitial markings, blunting of both costophrenic angles and septal lines. There is peribronchial cuffing in both lungs as well as upper lobe diversion. All of this is consistent with congestive heart failure."

The woman behind me nods and moves onto the person next to me. I release a breath that I didn't know I was holding. I'm done. Next time I walk into a hospital, I won't be a student anymore. Fully qualified, holding lives in my hands. I think back to the first lecture I ever had at medical school. The opening line of this lecture was "as doctors, you will all kill patients. Hopefully none of you will do it deliberately. This is something you have to accept now or you will have a hard time." I don't know if I've ever come to terms with this. It scares me to the bone. 

I try not to think about it. Try to get on with what I need to do. 

"Oh my gosh, you're so thin!" But I'm not. Most of the other girls have lost much more weight than me. In England, I got down to almost 50kg. Then I got back up to 57kg. I think I'm hovering around 54kg to 55kg now. I have lost a bit of weight since I got home and away from that recovery house. I can feel that I'm thinner, but nowhere near as thin as I was when I was in England. Not as thin as I was when I was in control of my own food. 

But this just goes to show that I can do it. I can lose a lot of weight very quickly. I can also put it back on very quickly, but I can lose it, and that's a relief to know. A little discipline is all I need. And it does come off. I had the faintest of thigh gaps for a while there. So it's possible. Now all I have to do is to get back there as fast as I can. 

Tune out the hunger, it means nothing. Tune out the headaches. It means nothing. It's so simple when you boil it right down. At the be all and end all of any conversation, when I don't eat, I lose weight. So if I want to lose weight, all I have to do is not eat. It's very, very simple. 

sugars, I'm going down!

Skinny...all the voices screaming....skinny. 

Well, I've been back here for all of one day and I'm already extremely glad that I'm back. I have so missed the support and the communication and being able to let my ED voice scream as much as it wants to. 

Wanted to let you all know that I am now 51.5kg. Going down! Going in the right direction! Faster than I had ever hoped for! 51.5kg!!!!!! I'm only 1.5kg away from 50kg which is a weight I've never been at before. In fact, what I weigh now is the lowest I've ever been. I have never been this low before and babes, I'm so not stopping here.

I couldn't sleep last night. Part of it was because of the 2 day hangover I have inflicted upon myself after drinking my own body weight in whiskey in Scotland over the weekend. The other part of it was because I was up for hours, feeling my bones. I have never been able to feel so many ribs. And even though none of my bones really stick out, I know they are closer to sticking out. 

One step closer! I'm going to keep this up, this is too good to let go. I haven't felt so happy for such a long time. Nothing, NOTHING compares to the joy of losing another pound, another kilo. 

I'm still not convinced I see much of a difference. But I have no full length mirror. Oh, and another thing. The bottom of my thighs no longer touch each other. It's not a massive step, because what really counts is when the top of your thighs don't touch. But for me, this is a sign that things are going well. The bottom of my thighs don't touch, even when my knees are touching. I'm loving this. 

For the first time in a long time I believe that I will get there one day. And now I see that when I start work at the end of this year, the weight loss will just continue. 

I love you all so much! And hold onto it, just hold on. Because even though things might seem terrible, joy will come with the promise of another pound off. I was once so down in the dumps, but now that I'm losing weight again, I'm so happy. I'm not even trying to hide it. I want people to see that I've lost weight. 

If nobody notices my weight loss when I get home, I will be seriously disappointed. But I have another 4 weeks to make it more obvious. And I will. 

skinny and the negative plus

"Skinny..." all my voices singing..."skinny..."

She's aloof. She bites her tongue but when she does speak, her voice is too loud, too judgmental, scathing, loathing. And when she looks at people, she looks down her nose. I would hate her, I would hate everything about her but I'm forced to respect her because she is so thin. Her thigh gap makes me drool with jealousy and longing. 

She has long, thin, gazelle legs. And a pretty, thin face. She's everything I want to be, minus the attitude. She's my thinspiration. I want to look like her. I want to be that pretty. I want to be that thin. I want all that. She looks good in everything. She looks like a guy could easily lift her. 

She makes me feel awful. Ugly. Unattractive. Invisible. 

And so I run. I run till I feel like I'm going to faint but I only manage to work off 300cal at the gym. My intake for the day is 500cal. So my net intake is 200cal. Which makes me feel like shit. 

I've failed. I always want to have a negative calorie balance. To be in a positive balance makes me feel terribly insecure. It makes me feel like I'm not going to lose any weight at all. And I just have to lose weight this week. I am going to be distraught if I don't lose any weight. After all this effort, I just need to see some results. I want to be lower than 120lbs. Surely that's not too much to ask. 

thinspiration: tattoo

Quite a few of you have said that you like tattooed thinspo. I've been thinking of posting a purely thinspo post for a while now, so here are some beautiful tattooed girls to keep us all movtivated! 

didn't want a day without you but somehow I've lived through another one

And the heart she feared frozen still beats and marches on. 

Each night I sit and listen to the old brag of my heart. I am. I am. I am. The dullness echoes through me and once again it is the only thing to fill me. How can I feel so empty when I am chock full of food. It seems ironic. The more I eat, the more empty I feel. The more I starve, the more full I get. 

Like a tsunami tide that chills to the very core of me, it bursts forth from the pits of my stomach and sweeps through to my extremities and it makes me hyperextend everything. Then it becomes so cold that it all starts to burn and I coil into a ball. Coil into a ball and savour the warmth. 

Pain and nuture mixing together, mingling into a cacophony of sensation, a weird LSD trip of a soundtrack to the flood of images flickering behind my eyes. Ribs showing, hip bones sticking out, a waist small enough to wrap my hands around, a gap between the thighs, slender gazelle legs, collarbones as sharp as razor blades and concavities everywhere. 

I don't want the touch or love of another person. I don't want the success of a medical career. I don't want anything anymore. Just thinness. That's all I want. Surely it's not too much to ask for. 

I hate myself for wanting food. I hate myself when I feel faint. I just want to lock myself in a room with a set of scales and a computer and be by myself to get thin. Wallow in my own bell jar. 

Then I think of the professor. And the warmth that I find in his embrace. The safety I find in his voice. The joy I find in his company. Is it enough? 

No. Love is not enough. 

too fat for words

The 100 Day Challenge

Stuff taking a break. It's too hard to take a break when all I can think about is losing weight and being so freaking fat. 

I was reading a blog called "Too Fat For Words" and she was talking about this 100 day challenge. 100 days to get to a set of goals. This is just what I need to keep myself motivated. It's a nice way of staying focused. I'm going to Bristol in 20 weeks. That's 140 days. And I do not want to look this fat and ugly when I go. This is awful. I will be lovely and thin for Bristol. 

So if I start on Monday, then I will have about 39 days to spare at the end of the challenge to squeeze a little bit more weight off and get myself sorted itinerary wise. Meanwhile, for the next 100 days, I can focus on my weight and finally do something that I can be proud of.

These are my goals:

1. I currently weigh 125lbs. I want to weigh 90lbs when I leave. I must lose 35lbs.

2. Finish that goddamn paper that I've been working on as long as I can remember

3. Be able to do the splits on both legs. 

4. Book hotels for the week before I start work in Bristol. 

5. GAP BETWEEN MY THIGHS EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!!!! 

6. Fit into size 6 jeans. (NZ size 6. This is the smallest size you can buy here without getting children's sizes.)

At 90lbs I want:

1. To be able to see 4 ribs without stretching up or sucking in.

2. To be able to see my spine easily when I bend over. 

3. To have my hip bones stick out.

4. For there to be an almighty gap between my thighs. 

5. To be able to see my arm muscles. 

6. Concave stomach. 

And I will do this in 100 days. In just over 14 weeks. That's 2.5lbs each week. I will do this. I will do this. 

ana driven thoughts

midnight in the city, bleary eyed and clouded mind. the fat on my body, I can feel it expanding. I know that I am getting fatter. I can feel the real me, buried under layer after layer after layer of disgusting, putrid fat. I hate it. I hate feeling it. I hate how I can pinch a layer of fat between my fingers. I hate how I can't see my bones. 


it is the witching hour and I can't sleep. My fat is keeping me awake. it's all I can think about. 


my mind is so awake. but my body is crying out for some form of rest. there is so much for me to think about, how can I possibly rest? 


binge. binge. binge. binge. that has been the theme of this week. I think my boobs are bigger. they are already DD. yes, that is how fat I am. fucking fat. some part of me says "I just need to be fat for a while." but I hate the fat. I don't feel cuter, cuddlier or healthier. I feel disgusting. 


I spend hours of each day watching diet and anorexia shows on youtube. and I can feel my grip on reality slipping more. I think that those girls in the anorexia documentaries, the ones in the inpatient centres, the ones with BMIs of 15 and 16, I think they are fat. they look fat to me. not all the bones are visible. and this makes me realise that I am fatter than ever. and it disgusts me. 


I would love to look like one of them. and when I do, I shall plan to lose more. more and more and more. I want to lose more weight. I am desperate. there is so much fat. 


purging. the magic word. I would give anything for the ability to purge. then I would spend the rest of my life locked inside, binging and purging and binging and purging. I would never keep anything down. 


midnight in the city. it's quiet. it's dark. it's cold. and all I can think about are laxatives. right now, I would kill for a packet of laxatives. I knew I did the whole laxie thing a while back and forced myself to stop. but now I want nothing more. 


there is nothing more upsetting in this world than gaining weight. 


winter is coming. it's getting colder. long sleeves are coming. finally I can cut my arms again. 


there is nothing more pure than the feeling of being empty. there is nothing that makes me feel more accomplished than restricting and fasting. there is nothing more triumphant than being the thinnest of all your friends. there is nothing more beautiful than a gap between the thighs. there is nothing uglier than fat, fat, fat everywhere. 


there is nothing in this world that I want more than to be thin and boney. there is nothing I need more in this world than Ana. 

holiday thinspo!!!!

The holiday season is a difficult time for everyone. And I'm currently binging my face off in Singapore but I set this post to post itself when I'm on holiday. To remind you all that there is a common goal that we are all shooting for and to work hard for it! 

When I ate that little strawberry tart, one of the girls said "a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips" and I almost spat it out again. I would have if I wasn't in front of everyone. 

My favourite motto: I only feel beautiful when I'm hungry. 

Enjoy the thinspo ladies! Work hard, see you all when I get back!