so what sort of lingerie did you get?

"That kind of life just ain't for us. We crave a different kind of buzz."

Everything feels messy and a bit out of control at the moment. I will admit right now that I have been completely and utterly off the wagon for the past...I don't even know how long. I honestly, honestly haven't thought about how I am going to lose weight for at least a week. Which I am feeling so very guilty about. All of a sudden I am aware of it, and it is all a bit too late! My fault, totally my own fault. 

So now it has to be all hands on deck...or something to that effect. Be all and end all is that I have to start working out seriously. I've got lots of catching up. At least I have managed to not gain anything. Still sitting extremely flatly on 58kg. I want to be under 55kg by Valentine's day. That's 2 weeks away. I feel like I've somehow got my work cut out for me, even though it seems perfectly plausible. My plan is to have net -300cal per day, with the exception of Chinese New Year which will be like, +5000cal. I'll see what I can do. Will try to eat lots of the salad and less...roast duck. 

So much talk about food dictates a trip to the grocery store. Everything in my house feels so very...high calorie. I despair at the fact that I cannot have a full meal for only 20 calories. That would be ideal. Or you know, have a piece of fried chicken for 20cal. I love fried chicken!!!! I just walked past a KFC today and I almost melted to the ground because of the smell. It was amazing. All I wanted to do was to walk in and eat all the chicken in there. 

But then I grab a few handfuls of belly fat and realise that that is not a feasible thing to do. The best I can hope for at this stage is to lose a little bit in 2 weeks. Long term investment anyone?

Feels weird...the whole boyfriend thing. It feels pretty good, but hey, the motivation changes. Now I have this huge fear that he is going to leave me for being fat. So I have to lose weight to keep him. 

Does that even make sense???

I told him that I got some new lingerie and he is sooo looking forward to taking me away for the weekend. I just don't know how I am going to feel attractive in it. I look so bloody fat. 

We're never done with killing time, can I kill it with you?

"I'm glad that we stopped kissing the tar on the highway, and I like you. We move in the tree streets, I'd like it if you stayed."

Another small absence, and I have so much to say!

So firstly my weight appears to be rather stagnant at 58kg. Incredibly so. I blame it on my stupidly irregular periods. I had a hungry week, while on night shift, and so completely didn't notice. Ate like a fucking pig on nights. Only had 2 meals a day but seriously, those were like 3000cal meals. So much food! And I was hungry throughout the nights too. *sigh*

Now that my period is here, hopefully I can get back on track. Hate having my period but at least it coinciding with a cold means I can have a sick day from work and have a Jadelle inserted. 

I'm going to be vigilant like mad when I do because weight gain is a very common side effect. But what stands still stands, if you don't eat too much, can't gain weight. It apparently makes people hungry? I should know the feedback mechanisms. I'm hoping for it to go smoothly, I don't really have a choice, the amount of unprotected sex I've been having is really too much for me to not do something about it. (and when I got this period, I was like, yesssss, not pregnant!)

Any of you ladies have one? Any effect on your appetite/weight? I can always get it taken out if I get too fat on it. Will be on MyFitnessPal like a freak!

Things with online dating guy are going well, as you might have deduced by now. I shouldn't call him that anymore since neither of us have our profiles anymore. A few days ago I decided that I didn't care what he thought this was, things seem to be going well and so I was just going to remove my profile and stop having that lingering thought driving me mad. 

But just before I did, I was awful and had to check if he'd been active or not. And to my absolute surprise, his profile was gone! I was so pleased, and not to mention completely sheepish at thinking that he might still be playing the field. 

We went away together for the weekend. Which is how we ended up having all that unprotected sex. It was so much. It was almost 2 much. I mean, honestly guys, and I'm not exaggerating...4 hours, then 4 hours sleep. Then another 3 hours. I mean, WTF is that. It's a real testament to his fitness because after that I was exhausted, and he was still okay! I lay there like a dead fish while he got up and made us tea. 

He really doesn't have a thing for condoms, and I'm not about to not sleep with him for that. But there ain't no way, not on any level, am I okay with potentially getting pregnant. Hence the Jadelle. 

When we were at the hot springs together, he was joking about meeting my incredibly shy and scared flatmate. "Wouldn't it be funny if I met her and then suddenly gave her a big hug and a kiss?" 

Well, the longest relationship she has had was a year, and at the end of that year the furthest they had got was a goodbye hug. Not even a kiss on the cheek. 

"She might find you later and say, Judith, your boyfriend tried to rape me!" 

I laughed. And a split second later did a double take. Did he just call himself my boyfriend? Is he my boyfriend? 

Well this is certainly a first. Can't honestly say that I've had a boyfriend before. In fact, I most certainly have never had a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend guys!!!! 

super-romance-honeymoon island

"I sometimes believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!" 

Weight: indeterminate. AKA I am too scared to weigh myself because for the past 3 days I've been like, not restricting on any level. And I've been revolutionising myself and my habits. I banned myself from checking that fucking stupid dating site. Can't handle it. Was driving me mad. 

I've decided that I just have to take things at face value. If it walks/talks/looks like a duck then it's a fucking duck. Couldn't really go through life being that suspicious, it was killing me. If he ends up being a fucker, then I will find out when I find out instead of denying myself good times for potentially no reason at all. 

But now that I am back at work and settled back into my routine, I am setting up a new routine for myself to lose weight:

Breakfast: cup of black coffee

Lunch: fat free yoghurt, piece of fruit, salad

Dinner: difficult to set food item, but my calorie limit will be 300cal. I will fill up with tea and coke/sprite zero if I still feel hungry. 

I'm hoping that the above diet will be 600calories a day max. 800cal a day if I have a bad day. 

On top of that, I will go to the gym every day except for days when I am working till 10pm. At the gym I will do weights, because I want to build a bit of muscle to bring up my basal metabolic rate and to stop myself breaking down muscle if my body swings into starvation mode. Then I will run for 30mins, do 2km on a rowing machine and 20mins on an elliptical.

The above workout should hopefully be around 400cal. So I'm hoping that my net intake every day will be around 300-500cal. 

Let's see if I can't lose weight with that! 

Now my motivation at this point is online dating guy. And something that happened on our last date. Warning, at this point I will launch into incredibly flowery prose, I am about to give Mills and Boon a run for their money. In a very roundabout way, I will eventually come to the point! But if you don't want to read it, you can probably skip the first couple of paragraphs. 

He texts me as he's driving back from being away for a week. "Hey, what are you up to this weekend? Want to spend some time with me?" After our last date when we had dinner, walked around in each others arms and kissed, I didn't really know what to expect but I said yes. After all, I didn't have anything planned. 

"Shall we take the ferry out to the Island? We can check out the wineries."

I have never been one to say no to wineries! So we arranged a time to meet at the ferry terminal. By the time I arrive he's already got out tickets. He's also got a bag with togs, towels, sunscreen, water, maps, you name it, he's got it. And I just stood there, dumbfounded. Well I'd brought my visa card and my phone. Felt like I was not at all prepared. When we arrived I made a beeline for the surf shop. 

This can drag out a bit so I shall be brief. We had lunch at a restaurant by the beach, sipping cocktails. We then went and lay down at the beach. He pulled me into his arms and we just lay there, giggling to ourselves. Then he tilts my chin up and kisses me and after making out for a good while I feel like omg, when did I become queen of PDA. After wondering around hand in hand, we end up at a vineyard where we sipped a very nice pinot noir under the shade of an olive tree. It's the same story again, we are lying on the grass, and he pulls me down on top of him and we just lie there talking bullshit and making out. We must have been there for hours. Lying in the shade, looking up at the clouds, he was aimlessly tracing random shapes on my shoulder with his finger. 

At the beach I squeeze into my bikini. My boobs look great, but that's about it. And I feel like a wobbly blob as I walk towards the water. The wind is picking up the waves are HUGE but I can't wait to get in the water to hide all my flab. When I get in the water I realise how strong the waves actually are. I can't stand up by myself so I hang onto him to keep myself upright. He holds onto my hand and pulls me into his chest and wraps his arms around me and we kiss as the waves break around us. Then, to my horror, he picks me up. He's swinging me around and kissing me before I can protest. "You don't weigh much at all!" and he continues to carry me deeper into the sea. 

We have fish and chips and wine by the beach and as we walk back to the ferry, he stops me in the middle of the road several times for kisses. And at the beach by the ferry terminal, we lie down in each other's arms and watch the sun go down. There is a jazz band playing at the bar a while away and the music wafts down to us. When it is dark he starts to kiss me, he's pulling me very close, squeezing me tightly, things are getting a bit hot and heavy and he groans when he sees the ferry arrive. 

I can't really stop thinking about him. I don't know what to think anymore. I think what I need to do is just pretend that I am definitely the only girl that he is seeing. And just enjoy what his happening. I feel like I'm somewhat scarred from wearing that bikini. I would definitely feel much more secure in our relationship if I looked thinner. But since I like him so much I am going to use him as motivation. 

Every time I eat, I am going to picture myself in that bikini, all that fat poking out. And how bad I felt when he saw me. And then I will tell myself that I can't eat. I can't possibly eat when I still look like this in a bikini. 

Maybe if I'm thin, he'll want me. Maybe if I'm thin, he'll like me as much as I like him. 

underneath we're not so tough and love is not enough.

Day 1 of proper holiday stuff and I'm already feeling the stress. I wish I could just be content with general surgery, then life would be a hell of a lot easier. But no. I have to go chasing the unobtainable (again) and stress myself to the max (again) and surround myself with triggers (again). Ah the curse of history repeating itself, but I must like it on some level or I wouldn't keep doing it.

I've just realised that my opening sentence sounds a bit strange. I should say that the reason the holidays stress me out is because I'm working, and I have to contact the professor about a 4 week project that has now dragged out a full year. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. At least it puts me off my food, every cloud has a silver lining after all.

Now that the summer is on it's way the high pace stage of my weight loss plan kicks into action. I'm thinking that I will diet and will work on skipping lunch and dinner and just having some salad and an egg for breakfast. I'm also thinking of daily 8km runs and yoga and taebo. That should kick some sort of shape into the gelatinous mess that I am right now. I'm 121lbs and I feel like such a big ugly slob.

I have no idea how I tolerated being 143lbs for so long. I must have looked an absolute fright at 143lbs, I must have, because I feel an absolute fright right now and I'm 22lbs lighter than I was then. I hope that by the time I get to 100lbs I don't feel quite so heavy anymore. But you never know. I don't feel any better about myself now than I did when I was 143lbs, on a logical, rational level I know that I should feel some sense of pride for the weight that I've lost but on a much deeper emotional level I feel even more disgusting.

The more weight I lose, the more I want to lose. Maybe it's because with every pound I shed I uncover a small block of potential. As the fat drips off, some sort of light is shining through and it offers me something to hold onto.

But I know now what the light at the end of the tunnel is.

I feel as though I am stuck in a railway tunnel, stumbling across the sleepers, bruising my shins on the rails, grasping at the darkness and finding nothing. The cold, wet solitude of my silent prison stings my skin and the cold, wet solitude of my soul pours down my face as tears that nobody will ever see. But still I crack a smile, it's almost a gruesome sneer, it's satirical broken smile, a sort of Hail Mary to a world that has shunned me and forced me here.

I wish you could see what you have done, are you still proud of yourself?

And in my world of darkness and seemingly infinite horizontal space, I am fit to burst. The air is filled with promises that I can't keep, undeserved faith and words I can never live up to. And the pressure continues, a lonely little girl who just wants a hug, it's not too much to ask for, but it is too much to expect from people who have no hugs left to give. Maybe if I was smaller I would fit in their arms better. Maybe if I was smaller, someone might have the energy to pick me up and tell me that I don't have to walk anymore. Maybe if I was smaller someone would want to feed me the love that I've been deprived of.

But I live in the present, not in a world of ifs and buts. And at present all I know for certain is that there is no one else here and no one wants to hold me. It is so cold. No one to kiss me except the scalpel blades that I hoard. A sharp metallic kiss that is second to none in this world. And for a moment, if I close my eyes and be very still, I can pretend that the warm blood seeping out of my arms and legs and abdomen is the warm embrace of a soul who cared enough to stop and see.

And this is the cruelty of my reality. When I saw J and TS and SPM today, for the first time in a long time, I realised that I've been living in some sort of dream world. It's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder and now it is clear to me that as much as I might yearn for it, they will never think of me as their pet. No matter how much I might care for the professor, he will never be my father. They will never be my family. They do hold some true affection for me, but it runs no deeper than what would be considered normal for one to feel for a student. It was a dream, nothing more.

To die, to sleep; to sleep, perchance to dream...For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause.

And the realisation of this was quite momentous for me, it really was the death of all hope. I had been holding onto some rose tinted notion that these people might somehow be able to reach down through the earth and find me falling around in my tunnel and pull me up to green pastures and circulating air. But no, I shall be left here to stew and rot in my own sour air and continue on in the darkness, not knowing if I'm walking forwards or backwards or towards anything in particular.

In a way I'm grateful to have this moment. It means that I don't have to waste more time clinging tooth and nail onto false hope. And now, more clearly than ever, I'm starting to see the light at the end of my tunnel. And it is my salvation and it will end my suffering and it will be the end of all things. And one day I know I will be too tired to carry on but then I shall summon all the strength left in every single muscle fibre in my body and run into the light, meet my train head on and I will be bathed in light and sound. Blinded by white, that passenger train will impart its impulse unto my mortal flesh and the energy will course through my body, right to the heart of me and I will fly. Fly through the air and die on the very ground that I've trodden my whole life.

The light at the end of the tunnel is my passenger train and it will make me fly and it will take me away from this world into the next, or into further darkness. And so I can see the end of all things for me. I know that at some point, all this will cease to be worth the effort and when I decide that, I will be consumed with power and with that overwhelming power, I will choose to leave this world.

There is nothing in this world that can save me. Love is not enough.