Friday, July 6, 2012

thank you and goodbye

Hello there my lovely followers!





I write to you for the last time. After a week of long and careful thought I've decided that I need to delete this blog and end my blogging days. So in a few days, I will delete this blog and I will not be starting a new one. 

Now I don't think any of you will know this, because I've been deleting these comments as soon as I see them, but recently I've had quite a number of abusive comments left here. All of them take offence to everything I say and the fact that I am a medical student is just more cannon fodder. I've had this plenty of times in the past, and I've dealt with it every time, but this time, there are so many of them, and they are so upsetting that I just don't feel like it's worth it anymore. 

If this blog isn't a safe place for me to express how I feel, what I think and for me to feel less alone in this, then it has no purpose at all. I've found myself getting more and more depressed as the abuse mounts up and I've felt increasingly suicidal. It makes me sad to realise that this blog, once a place of comfort and support for me, is now a driving force that propels me closer and closer to suicide. So I feel that the best thing to do is to just delete this blog, remove that force, and carry on the best I can by myself. 

I don't feel any need to say what those comments contained, and I don't feel any need to respond to any of them. All I will say is that I wish I had never seen them. 

I'm writing this post to say a big thank you to all my lovely followers who have been with me through the years. I've shared my heart and soul with you and you have lifted me up when I was down and wiped away the tears that no one else saw. At times I've felt so close to all of you. 

It was always my intention to say goodbye to you lovely people before I killed myself. And while I do not plan to kill myself immediately after I delete my blog, that day is certainly coming and I don't want to go without saying goodbye. I think this blog kept me alive for so much longer than I would have otherwise lasted. The support I feel here is amazing. Now there is something that has taken that feel away. 

Thank you, thank you and thank you again for following me, helping me, keeping me company. I will think of you all until the day I die. 

I love you all dearly and I wish you all the very best for your futures. I hope you get everything that you have ever hoped and dreamed of and more. 

Yours ever,

- Judith Marie

4 comments:

  1. ....goodbye, Jude.
    i love you.
    i don't have the words to express it. don't even know if you're gonna delete this, but at least i got to say something.
    you're amazing.
    your support, love, and compassion. i hate to think that you might kill yourself one day. i just hate to. but i am not there to stand in your way. if i can. i wanted to.
    i would wonder what you'd do. how you're doing. so many days. every day.
    i hope you get everything. you are everything.
    you're amazing, Jude.
    you're amazing and you diagnosed my cold. ;)
    -sigh-
    i wish i can be there to hold you. remember. i don't know if you believe in afterlife, or heaven, but i believe that you are heavenly, with the heaviness on that word. you are one of the most beautiful souls i have ever met.
    i'm just sad to see it's all over.
    i don't know what to say. or if saying something can help you sing that last final note.
    songs are beautiful. they're played and then, at the end, there's always just that single note that chimes, that ends it perfectly.
    i don't know how to play that note.
    so hopefully, this will stick. the words. the places. phrases.
    love.
    the hope.
    i love you, Jude.
    there's just no stronger word that that, and even those words are too weak.
    you are loved.
    you are beautiful.
    you are sweet.
    considerate.
    amazing.
    you are everything to everyone.
    and if you need me, need any one of us, you'll know where to find us.
    <3
    love,
    sincerely,
    yours,
    Sammy.

    PS. i've dreamed of hope. so hope for me. even if it's just for a bit. there's a world of sunshine that i wish that i can stuff your heads with. my dream weight is to feel light, but the light, the sunshine, it pools for me. yearns for all of us. i can hold on, but only for a little wish.
    and i wish i can take you with me.
    xo

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  2. Email me though k? I will miss you terribly. I'm sorry those assholes are continuing to pester you. xo

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  3. Sammy's comment almost made me cry. I think she put everyone's thoughts about this absolutely perfectly. Stay strong beautiful <3

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  4. Hi! I've just found your blog, and I'm so super intrigued!
    Don't allow people to inhibit your freedom of gorgeous speech.
    I've worked like hell to make my blog work.
    I shall always hate fat, and I appreciate that you do, too.
    Hoping that I can read more before you are deleted!!!

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