Wednesday, May 29, 2013

and my heart sunk into my arse.

"She's got ice on her lashes, white in her winter coat."

Well it would seem it's been a while since I was last on this blog. Hard to keep up with you all! I didn't intend on taking a break, but for a while my focus had shifted. For a while now I have been eating what I wanted, not weighing myself, shopping like I'm having a manic episode and looking fucking fabulous. 

Every day I still worried about my weight but fuck it my clothes fit and my clothes are fabulous. It would seem that if I'm wearing fabulous clothes, I feel that's all people see. I've gained so much weight that I can't ignore it anymore. I also have so little money that I can't ignore it anymore. So things haven't exactly been going well, even though this is the first time in at least a decade where I have been so relaxed about my weight. 

I'm in a wee bit of shit over my spending. My mother has just had a tizz at me. Fair enough too. I've spent $40,000 in the past 6 months, and as she says, that's a deposit on a house, or a new car. And I've got fuck all to show for it. Just a wardrobe full of designer clothing. Well, more like piles of designer clothing on my floor. As you can see from the photo, it's a rather large pile, and that's just the pile on the floor,  not including my 3 wardrobes and the spare room we have turned into a wardrobe for me. 

She's right. She's absolutely right. If I had saved, I could have bought myself a new car. Fuck. 

I guess I've got that sort of personality. I have to be obsessed with one thing or another. Once the Joe thing passed, I had nothing. And shopping and fashion overtook my entire life. I have nothing else to think about. Or rather, I fill my head with it so I don't have to think about how shit my life is. Anything for distraction. Anyway, my mother is right. This can't go on. I will have to stop shopping. Just fucking stop. But I need to start something else. And everything else I know is just as destructive. But maybe in a less obvious way. 

Since I last posted here, I've left orthopaedics, back in general medicine now. It fucking broke my heart. I miss my ortho boys every second of the day. Cried like mad the day I left, not proud of that. 

Changed my look a bit. This is the look that got me stopped by 5 random old men in one day who all told me how pretty I was. One even said that I looked like a perfect China doll. I didn't quite know how to take it. Shorter hair, cuter accessories. Sometimes I look like I've watched too many hours of Gossip Girl. 

Not all of Ortho was good. There was this registrar who I did a lot of night shifts with. His name is Richard. Nice guy in all respects, if only he could stop calling me fat and ugly. I know it's a joke, but still. I wonder what made him say it in the first place, I certainly didn't suggest him call me that. Kinda destroyed me a bit inside. 

I don't really know where I am going with this post. I guess I had a lot of random shit to rant about. But I'm back now, will try to catch up with all your blogs...and watch this space. The shopping addiction has to transform itself into something else. And it won't be good. 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

graduation perfection

"We barely remember what came before this precious moment, choosing to be here right now, hold on, stay inside..."

I've been traveling on this road for so long and now in a few short hours it will officially come to an end. I will graduate. 6 years for a bachelor degree seems far too long and I seem far too emotional for a ceremony that I didn't even want to go to. 

After the weekend from hell and shedding my first tears at work, I've been feeling too traumatised to be on the wards. But still somehow I've been dragging myself out of bed each morning to go to work. And now I get to graduate. 

I have the dress, I have the shoes, I have the MASSIVE black pearl pendant necklace, I have the eyelashes and the lipstick. And somehow, it feels worth it. Somehow, I am reminded of everything I have gone through. All the mistakes, all the literal blood, sweat and tears that I have shed and all the coffee and red bull that I have flooded my body with in order to get by. 

Somedays it's been shit. Absolute shit. And I spend my time fantasizing about perfection. Lounging around in bed with blankets, dressed in flannel pjs with a good book and a cup of coffee. And walking around in Jimmy Choo shoes, hanging with friends in Michael Kors and Rag and Bone and Alannah Hill and going out in a Temperley gown. Drowning in a world of designer gowns and shoes. On those days I feel like quitting my job and going into a world of fashion. 

Other days it's great. And I feel like a doctor, and that I do make a difference, and that I do help people. Sometimes, 6 years and hanging out at the doors of hell is worth it. 

I have been getting thinner. I don't know what I weigh, but clothes are looser. People are noticing. I've developed a habit where I can't finish a plate. I can't leave an empty plate anymore. I know my team watches me eat, my registrars look at each other when they see me pick at my food but I don't give a shit anymore. I look right back like, what. You got a problem with that? And then they don't say anything. 

Sometimes, everything just fades away. Joe and his fiancee, the professor and that failed paper, the fucking malicious nurses at work. It all just fades away. When I pull and pinch myself in the mirror and see that I'm thinner. That's all there is. I'm loving noticing the change. It just makes me want to step it up, to see a bigger change.