walking slow circles around "progress".

"Don't tear me down for all I need."

And yet again I have managed another lengthy absence without meaning to. I really wish I had more to say to you all. I wish I had come on here to be like, so I've lost 8kg and now I weigh 50kg and am starting to get a thigh gap and my collarbones and ribs stick out. 

But no. I weigh 56kg. Which given the time off that I've had is frankly pathetic. 2kg is all I've managed to shift. Pathetic! All I have to do is drink water and that goes up. I pee and it comes down. I am so not satisfied. All my fat is still there as it ever was, I never really restrict enough for it to be burned away, I never really work out enough for muscle to show through. So basically my fluctuations in weight are based on how often I go to the loo. And that makes me want to give up. 

In short, I have to be honest and say that I've not been trying. I will have these piercing moments of motivation, usually in the middle of the night, where I say I will get up and go for a run and then do yoga and then go to work and then hit the gym and eat 500cal the whole day. And that never happens. I end up crawling out of bed to work, back into bed and 1500-2000cal goes in in the meantime. 

Moving hospitals, having a boyfriend, it's all lulled me into this sense of complete apathy where both stress me out in different ways and result in me being stressed out completely that I just make myself numb and feel nothing. 

I can't even begin to talk about work. It sucks. And I'm bored so I eat. The end. 

I don't want to begin to talk about the boyfriend. There are so many layers of fucked-upness in my head. But what is clear is that he is a nice, stable, caring guy and I am generating all the problems in our relationship. With my demands that stem from insecurity blah blah blah. And my selfishness which means that I have no idea what he likes but he knows exactly what to do for me. Basically I struck gold and he lucked out. I'm just waiting for him to leave me. 

And I swore I would never be one of those girls, but I am so scared of him leaving me that I've started using sex as...a tool to keep him. He's not dumb. He'll notice that soon. I have nothing to offer him, and that is not a position I ever imagined myself in. 

But the upside to all this is that I'm currently on nights which makes restricting somewhat easier. I can eat a bit of my one meal a day and then not eat again for 24 hours, slowly weaning myself off the constant eating that I have been doing. Maybe one day in the coming month I will fast. Maybe when my boyfriend goes on his 6 week business trip I will fast for 6 weeks. Maybe he won't be my boyfriend when that happens. 

Everything is just total resignation right now. 

so what sort of lingerie did you get?

"That kind of life just ain't for us. We crave a different kind of buzz."

Everything feels messy and a bit out of control at the moment. I will admit right now that I have been completely and utterly off the wagon for the past...I don't even know how long. I honestly, honestly haven't thought about how I am going to lose weight for at least a week. Which I am feeling so very guilty about. All of a sudden I am aware of it, and it is all a bit too late! My fault, totally my own fault. 

So now it has to be all hands on deck...or something to that effect. Be all and end all is that I have to start working out seriously. I've got lots of catching up. At least I have managed to not gain anything. Still sitting extremely flatly on 58kg. I want to be under 55kg by Valentine's day. That's 2 weeks away. I feel like I've somehow got my work cut out for me, even though it seems perfectly plausible. My plan is to have net -300cal per day, with the exception of Chinese New Year which will be like, +5000cal. I'll see what I can do. Will try to eat lots of the salad and less...roast duck. 

So much talk about food dictates a trip to the grocery store. Everything in my house feels so very...high calorie. I despair at the fact that I cannot have a full meal for only 20 calories. That would be ideal. Or you know, have a piece of fried chicken for 20cal. I love fried chicken!!!! I just walked past a KFC today and I almost melted to the ground because of the smell. It was amazing. All I wanted to do was to walk in and eat all the chicken in there. 

But then I grab a few handfuls of belly fat and realise that that is not a feasible thing to do. The best I can hope for at this stage is to lose a little bit in 2 weeks. Long term investment anyone?

Feels weird...the whole boyfriend thing. It feels pretty good, but hey, the motivation changes. Now I have this huge fear that he is going to leave me for being fat. So I have to lose weight to keep him. 

Does that even make sense???

I told him that I got some new lingerie and he is sooo looking forward to taking me away for the weekend. I just don't know how I am going to feel attractive in it. I look so bloody fat. 

We're never done with killing time, can I kill it with you?

"I'm glad that we stopped kissing the tar on the highway, and I like you. We move in the tree streets, I'd like it if you stayed."

Another small absence, and I have so much to say!

So firstly my weight appears to be rather stagnant at 58kg. Incredibly so. I blame it on my stupidly irregular periods. I had a hungry week, while on night shift, and so completely didn't notice. Ate like a fucking pig on nights. Only had 2 meals a day but seriously, those were like 3000cal meals. So much food! And I was hungry throughout the nights too. *sigh*

Now that my period is here, hopefully I can get back on track. Hate having my period but at least it coinciding with a cold means I can have a sick day from work and have a Jadelle inserted. 

I'm going to be vigilant like mad when I do because weight gain is a very common side effect. But what stands still stands, if you don't eat too much, can't gain weight. It apparently makes people hungry? I should know the feedback mechanisms. I'm hoping for it to go smoothly, I don't really have a choice, the amount of unprotected sex I've been having is really too much for me to not do something about it. (and when I got this period, I was like, yesssss, not pregnant!)

Any of you ladies have one? Any effect on your appetite/weight? I can always get it taken out if I get too fat on it. Will be on MyFitnessPal like a freak!

Things with online dating guy are going well, as you might have deduced by now. I shouldn't call him that anymore since neither of us have our profiles anymore. A few days ago I decided that I didn't care what he thought this was, things seem to be going well and so I was just going to remove my profile and stop having that lingering thought driving me mad. 

But just before I did, I was awful and had to check if he'd been active or not. And to my absolute surprise, his profile was gone! I was so pleased, and not to mention completely sheepish at thinking that he might still be playing the field. 

We went away together for the weekend. Which is how we ended up having all that unprotected sex. It was so much. It was almost 2 much. I mean, honestly guys, and I'm not exaggerating...4 hours, then 4 hours sleep. Then another 3 hours. I mean, WTF is that. It's a real testament to his fitness because after that I was exhausted, and he was still okay! I lay there like a dead fish while he got up and made us tea. 

He really doesn't have a thing for condoms, and I'm not about to not sleep with him for that. But there ain't no way, not on any level, am I okay with potentially getting pregnant. Hence the Jadelle. 

When we were at the hot springs together, he was joking about meeting my incredibly shy and scared flatmate. "Wouldn't it be funny if I met her and then suddenly gave her a big hug and a kiss?" 

Well, the longest relationship she has had was a year, and at the end of that year the furthest they had got was a goodbye hug. Not even a kiss on the cheek. 

"She might find you later and say, Judith, your boyfriend tried to rape me!" 

I laughed. And a split second later did a double take. Did he just call himself my boyfriend? Is he my boyfriend? 

Well this is certainly a first. Can't honestly say that I've had a boyfriend before. In fact, I most certainly have never had a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend guys!!!! 

reverse thinspiration that looks like me

"Because I'm breaking the habit tonight."

- I don't know how I started looking at lots of reverse thinspo today. But I aside from the usual extreme reverse thinspo pics, I came across a whole series of pictures that reminds me of how my body looks and it makes me feel like dying. I feel so fucking sick. I already ate some noodles for dinner and man I really want to puke it all back. I'm texting online dating guy and fuck it, it makes me want to puke. Today my intake has been:

-2 coffees with trim milk 124cal

-1 cup of instant noodles 460cal

-1 pear 38cal

-1 cup of strawberries 49cal

-half a low fat yoghurt 42cal

That is 713cal total intake. It feels like too much. It's like I've got a gastric band and the food isn't going down. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. It's too much. 

Later I am going to the gym to work it off:

-30mins running on treadmill at level 10 -286cal

-20mins elliptical -171cal

-triceps pull down and biceps curl and some squats and lunges

Net intake 256cal. 

super-romance-honeymoon island

"I sometimes believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!" 

Weight: indeterminate. AKA I am too scared to weigh myself because for the past 3 days I've been like, not restricting on any level. And I've been revolutionising myself and my habits. I banned myself from checking that fucking stupid dating site. Can't handle it. Was driving me mad. 

I've decided that I just have to take things at face value. If it walks/talks/looks like a duck then it's a fucking duck. Couldn't really go through life being that suspicious, it was killing me. If he ends up being a fucker, then I will find out when I find out instead of denying myself good times for potentially no reason at all. 

But now that I am back at work and settled back into my routine, I am setting up a new routine for myself to lose weight:

Breakfast: cup of black coffee

Lunch: fat free yoghurt, piece of fruit, salad

Dinner: difficult to set food item, but my calorie limit will be 300cal. I will fill up with tea and coke/sprite zero if I still feel hungry. 

I'm hoping that the above diet will be 600calories a day max. 800cal a day if I have a bad day. 

On top of that, I will go to the gym every day except for days when I am working till 10pm. At the gym I will do weights, because I want to build a bit of muscle to bring up my basal metabolic rate and to stop myself breaking down muscle if my body swings into starvation mode. Then I will run for 30mins, do 2km on a rowing machine and 20mins on an elliptical.

The above workout should hopefully be around 400cal. So I'm hoping that my net intake every day will be around 300-500cal. 

Let's see if I can't lose weight with that! 

Now my motivation at this point is online dating guy. And something that happened on our last date. Warning, at this point I will launch into incredibly flowery prose, I am about to give Mills and Boon a run for their money. In a very roundabout way, I will eventually come to the point! But if you don't want to read it, you can probably skip the first couple of paragraphs. 

He texts me as he's driving back from being away for a week. "Hey, what are you up to this weekend? Want to spend some time with me?" After our last date when we had dinner, walked around in each others arms and kissed, I didn't really know what to expect but I said yes. After all, I didn't have anything planned. 

"Shall we take the ferry out to the Island? We can check out the wineries."

I have never been one to say no to wineries! So we arranged a time to meet at the ferry terminal. By the time I arrive he's already got out tickets. He's also got a bag with togs, towels, sunscreen, water, maps, you name it, he's got it. And I just stood there, dumbfounded. Well I'd brought my visa card and my phone. Felt like I was not at all prepared. When we arrived I made a beeline for the surf shop. 

This can drag out a bit so I shall be brief. We had lunch at a restaurant by the beach, sipping cocktails. We then went and lay down at the beach. He pulled me into his arms and we just lay there, giggling to ourselves. Then he tilts my chin up and kisses me and after making out for a good while I feel like omg, when did I become queen of PDA. After wondering around hand in hand, we end up at a vineyard where we sipped a very nice pinot noir under the shade of an olive tree. It's the same story again, we are lying on the grass, and he pulls me down on top of him and we just lie there talking bullshit and making out. We must have been there for hours. Lying in the shade, looking up at the clouds, he was aimlessly tracing random shapes on my shoulder with his finger. 

At the beach I squeeze into my bikini. My boobs look great, but that's about it. And I feel like a wobbly blob as I walk towards the water. The wind is picking up the waves are HUGE but I can't wait to get in the water to hide all my flab. When I get in the water I realise how strong the waves actually are. I can't stand up by myself so I hang onto him to keep myself upright. He holds onto my hand and pulls me into his chest and wraps his arms around me and we kiss as the waves break around us. Then, to my horror, he picks me up. He's swinging me around and kissing me before I can protest. "You don't weigh much at all!" and he continues to carry me deeper into the sea. 

We have fish and chips and wine by the beach and as we walk back to the ferry, he stops me in the middle of the road several times for kisses. And at the beach by the ferry terminal, we lie down in each other's arms and watch the sun go down. There is a jazz band playing at the bar a while away and the music wafts down to us. When it is dark he starts to kiss me, he's pulling me very close, squeezing me tightly, things are getting a bit hot and heavy and he groans when he sees the ferry arrive. 

I can't really stop thinking about him. I don't know what to think anymore. I think what I need to do is just pretend that I am definitely the only girl that he is seeing. And just enjoy what his happening. I feel like I'm somewhat scarred from wearing that bikini. I would definitely feel much more secure in our relationship if I looked thinner. But since I like him so much I am going to use him as motivation. 

Every time I eat, I am going to picture myself in that bikini, all that fat poking out. And how bad I felt when he saw me. And then I will tell myself that I can't eat. I can't possibly eat when I still look like this in a bikini. 

Maybe if I'm thin, he'll want me. Maybe if I'm thin, he'll like me as much as I like him. 

not since 2 became the new 4 and 6 became the new 14.

"I've got thick skin and an elastic heart."

First things first. HAPPY 2014 EVERYONE!!! I know we've been up and down for a while now but hey, I am going to start this year with a positive frame of mind. I can totally do this. I can totally lose this weight. 

And from that lead, my first weigh in of 2014:

From a starting weight of a disgusting 62.8kg, my weight is now 57.2kg!!!!

It's nowhere near an end point, but, I'm going down and that is what is important! I lost nearly 2kgs in the past 4 or 5 days. If I think of it that way, it's not nearly as fast as I would like, but I'll take it. And for today, dieting is on hold. It's New Years, I'm Asian, and I'm cooking and eating dumplings. 

Then I'm going to spent hours in the gym trying work off an indeterminate number of calories. 

The online dating guy continues to baffle me. I am currently operating under the guise that he is seeing multiple other girls. If that's the case then I am flattered to be the one that he chose to call at midnight. He had been texting me all night (while I was on duty at work!) and then called me at midnight, blind drunk. I'm surprised he was even operating a phone. 

I don't even want to begin to have a crack at what is going on. Just forget it. Focus on me. Focus on losing weight. He can do whatever he wants to do. If it fits in with me then cool, if not then too bad. 

This year will be about me babes. I'm going to become who I want to be. Thin. Very thin. Thin and gorgeous. Smart. Plays guitar. It'll happen. Watch this space!

my fitness pal

"Well this particular scenario feels like another all time low."

MyFitnessPal. I am so addicted to it. My username is JudithMarie24 if anyone wants to add me.

So my friends, here is my intake for today:

-1 cup of mac and cheese 250cal

-1/3 cup of cooked spinach 14cal

-1 serving of rice vermicelli 90cal

-1 can of sardines in tomato sauce 140cal

-1 cup of cherries 74cal

=568cal total intake

And my output:

-30mins of Tae Bo ....which apparently is -297cal. Seems far too efficient but then again, compared with how tired I feel, it sure feels like -297cal.

=net intake of 271 calories. 

And the magic sentence...if every day were like today, I would weigh 51.8kg in 5 weeks. Oh god, please let every day of the next 5 weeks be like today. 

And even though it is only 1pm, I have decided I will not eat any more today. I may do some more exercise later. If I get hungry, I will drink hot tea and cold water. No alcohol. No juice. No coffee. Maybe a can of coke zero if I'm really desperate. 

The thing about MyFitnessPal is that it totally freaks me out about my intake. I mean, 74cal in a cup of cherries! WTF! I thought I was having a nice low calorie snack! 

I didn't feel like I'd had a big lunch/ morning snack at all but 568 in total says otherwise! I should really trade the mac and cheese for 10 cups of salad or something like that. The spinach was a really nice surprise. Maybe I'll live off spinach for a while. 

My lack of appetite continues! And I'm so glad. I still can't eat. And after a few bites I begin to feel a bit nauseated. The lack of food is already starting to give me a bit of a hunger headache, I'm still waiting for myself to adjust to it. 

Thanks for the feedback about the guy I met online. It is nice to see that my sentiments are shared. The whole thing confuses me. I agree that men can be huge sleezeballs and I just have to be super careful about it all. And in a fit of ego I agree that I deserve better than someone who is still scouting for better options. But...unless he has amazing organisational capacity that I can't even begin to fathom, then he's being really quite sweet to me. 

He's currently on holiday in another part of the country with a big group of his friends. They planned the trip a year ago apparently. They've hired a series of beach houses, brought their boats. Lots of fishing, an outdoor spa, and relaxing and drinking. Sounds good, I'm seething with jealousy. 

He left the day after our last date. But he's been texting me good morning every day, good night every night and he updates me several times a day on what he's up to. He sends me pictures of everything. He says he wishes I were there too. Tells me to rest well on my days off, tells me I must be feeling tired on my long days. 

It makes me feel...really quite...chuffed. Mind you, it's entirely possible that he is very organised and is juggling this same act with goodness knows how many girls. If he is doing that, then I wish I had half of his logistical skill. It would come in really useful in my job! Still, it's nice to pretend that it might just be me. 

I should make a habit of thinking of him at mealtimes, then I might just not eat for the next five weeks and weigh less than 50kg at the end of it all. Less than 50kg seems like an impossibility. It seems like a dream. I haven't been less than 55kg for such a long time. 

The plan is to weigh myself in 2 days time. On New Year's morning. 

I HATE ONLINE DATING. SERIOUSLY WTF.

"And I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind."

HAPPY CHRISTMAS LADIES AND GENTS!!!! Hope you are all having a good holiday season, one way or another. 

So a couple of things have been happening. SERIOUSLY, I HATE ONLINE DATING. I have no idea why I did this! It's killing me!!!!! And really, it just shows how paranoid I am as a person. I am definitely losing my grip on life though, I don't know what to do about it. I just wish I had never done it, then I would be in the midst of this self inflicted mental torture. 

So this is what I'm doing (yes, I know how mental it is. I know it's paranoid. I know it's stalker-ish. I know it is just plain wrong): I'm signing into the online dating site, just to see if the guy I'm seeing is still using his account. And what do you know, he is like, permanently on there! His account is so bloody active, which makes me feel great. 

We've been on 3 dates now. And the last date, it was so nice. We had dinner by the beach, we went for a relaxing walk along the beach, holding hands, or with his arm around me. We stopped and kissed. It was honestly probably one of the nicest dates I've ever been on. 

I admit I was a bit smitten afterwards. But now I know for sure that he's been on there since our date and it makes me want to kick my own head in. I don't ever want to check again, but I also can't stop doing it. It's a real problem! And it's all in my head. 

Part me really wants to just flat out ask him, how many other girls are you seeing. Are you interested in me at all, or are you just courting a big group of us and seeing who comes up trumps? Fuck. 

There is only one good side effect in all of this. I can't eat. At all. 

By my home scales, before I met up with him 2 weeks ago, I weighed in at 62.8kg. Now I'm weighing in at 59kg. So you know, that's reasonable. I'm happy with that! I can feel the difference, but it's not enough for anyone to notice, it's not enough to show in the way clothes fit. It's just not enough. 

But given the way my weight has been going, I'm just glad it's finally going in the right direction. Basically, I'll take what I can get. 

Today I ate...chicken noodle soup, half a bowl of that for lunch. 2 flat whites. 3 bites of salad for dinner. That's it. I don't know how many calories that is...maybe...500-600. Maybe a bit less. Every time I think about him, I want to vomit. I hope this feeling lasts forever. 

aaaaaaand I'm back. And fat as a whale.

"If I could change, I would. Take back the pain, I would. Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would."

Hello ladies. It's me, I'm back. 

I know there has been a VERY long and unintended absence this time. I've missed you all dearly, very dearly. But I stay away on purpose and now I'm crawling back on bended knee, hoping you will welcome back with your open arms. I've been trying to catch up on your blogs, but wow, there is so much!

Let me explain that hodge-podge paragraph. 

I stayed away because I thought that while I was eating, I might as well try to kick the whole eating disorder thing. For a while I did. But now the old habits are creeping back and now I'm fat as a whale and I have a whole lotta work to do. 

First things first. The hot cop is history. 

Let me put it this way. If I can find time in my 80hour working week for him, and for him to be too busy to see me in his 40hour week then something is very wrong. And he gave me a whole lot of excuses that made me realise he's not over his ex, he's in love with her and needs to go to the other side of the world to rediscover himself to get over her. He couldn't stop talking about her. Yes, I miss him. Yes, I'm petrified I will never find anyone. Yes, I knew for a while it was never going to work. But it still feels very hollow. 

And for the past few months I have been solidly plugging that emptiness with food galore. 

I fit none of my old clothes. I'm at my heaviest weight. I feel like a piece of shit. 

The next thing is that I have moved out of home. And funnily enough, it is not helping my diet. I am going out and eating out so much. But I have told my flatmate that I am going on a liquid fast of undetermined length. She's not opposed to it, is not going to make me eat, and so hopefully this will kickstart things in a big way. 

I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. I just can't do it. There aren't enough words to describe how much I hate the way I have behaved, and continue to behave. 

I feel insecure. I am convinced that I will not find another guy. Which bothers me more than it should. I mean, up until I met the hot cop, I was convinced I was going to be forever alone and had accepted it. But it's like since I actually had a snippet of what it was like to be with someone, I somehow can't go back to that acceptance. 

I'm 24 now girls. I'm so so so so so not young anymore. I haven't met anyone, and I'm pretty sure I just need to get used to that. I certainly won't meet anyone at this weight. 

Ahhhhh fuck. How did I get to this, seriously, how. These should be the best years of my life but everything fucking sucks. 

And now I've reached the point where I need to be happy with something in my life, and the easiest thing is my weight. Like, I have so much extra fat, it shouldn't take too much to start to shift it. I need to do something. I can't stand being this miserable. 

I sincerely hope you've been keeping better than me babes. 

fat and wildly confused

"You've got your reputation and your good intent."

I'm halfway through my 2 weeks of WONDERFUL leave. I cannot say how good it is just to not be at the hospital. To be able to sleep late and sleep in. I wish I had some friends on holiday too, but hey, I will take whatever I can get. Been to Melbourne, shopped up a storm. Came back. Went skiing. Fell down lots but the weather was great and I had a lot of fun. 

And at this point I should offer a sincere apology for 1. being so absent of late and 2. being such a good for nothing fatass. And I mean that. F-A-T A-S-S. 

I am too scared to weigh myself because damn, I ate like a pig pig pig pig in Melbourne, and fuck it, my clothes feel fucking tight. I can't believe I'm not willingly starving myself. I must be stress eating. Swear to God this is stress eating. The hot cop is stressing me out.

This whole thing with the cop is fucking with my head so much that I almost want to just chuck in the towel so I don't have to deal with it. The only reason I haven't done that yet is because it is so obviously the coward's way out. Giving up something that could be great just because I'm scared to deal with old demons. 

But they are seriously fucking with my head. Old demons that I never thought I would need to hear again, old demons that I thought I had buried a long, long time ago. 

(I've had this blog going for a while now, and I don't know how many of you have been with me from the very start, so apologies if I am repeating myself here.)

It's no secret that my parents and I have almost never seen eye to eye. But things were a lot worse when I was younger. I started cutting when I was about 13 or 14 years old. That was around the time thing started going wrong with dad. I can't even remember what I did, but he was always mad at me. I was never good enough. No matter how hard I studied, I was always too dumb for him, no matter what I did, I was too fat. 

Every day he would tell me that I had to study more. I needed my brains, I needed to be smart because I needed an asset. He told me that I was so fat and ugly and utterly unattractive that no man could ever want me. He told me that everyday from about the ages of 13 to 18. Wow. Didn't realise until now that it was 5 years! 

At any rate, his point was that because I was so physically repulsive, I had to be smart to get a good job so that I could support myself. Because obviously I would end up alone and hideous. Or, if I became rich enough, some man might eventually want me for my money. On some level, I believe it was a twisted joke and just his unique way of trying to motivate me to study, but it has since become my reality. 

To this day, and probably forever more, I believe that I am so hideously unattractive that no man could ever want me. It is part of me, I have come to accept it, and years ago I made peace with the fact that I will never be in a relationship. That was just a part of life that wasn't meant for me, and that is okay. 

I didn't really think about it again for a long time. But now there is the hot cop. And my brain is hard out short circuiting all of a sudden. He is by no means perfect (but who is), but he is a really, really good guy. Why the fuck does he want to spend time with me? Since we started seeing each other, I have been trying to find the loophole. He wants to be with me because...he has a short, fat, boring Asian girl fetish?...he was desperately in love with his ex and I was an easy rebound?...he is actually evil and will abuse me because I deserve it?...there must be a loophole! 

I can't reconcile that a great guy like him would want me for just me. And so I'm always on guard, and I'm always non-commital because fuck it, even though this is nothing, I will still be upset when it ends. And the more emotionally involved I am, the more unstable I will be afterwards. It's all self preservation. 

Nothing makes sense to me anymore. A fundamental part of my being is being questioned and I'm hating it. 

If no man could ever want me, then what the fuck does he want with me? 

And the answer isn't even sex. If we were having crazy monkey sex every night and he was booty calling me all the time I would be like, okay, I get it. I'm the rebound girl and he just wants sex. And that would be fine. I am absolutely okay with being thought of as nothing but convenience. I would just wait patiently for him to find a girl he likes and then leave me. 

But it isn't that! Why can't it just be that simple! The whole sex thing is making everything worse. I wish he was using me for sex, but he's not. I never tell him when it hurts but I must have the worst poker face in the world because he always seems to know when it does. And he'll stop, cuddle me, tell me that it'll be okay and that with time, it'll get less sore and I'll enjoy it. At this point my terrible poker face will betray the fact that I feel guilty for him stopping. To which his response is always that we'll go slow, he knows I'm not ready to do any more, and that he really doesn't want to hurt me.

After a survey of my girlfriends, I've come to the conclusion that the above reaction, stopping mid-sex to do that is just unheard of. So much so that he's probably an alien. 

He's not even getting sex out of this, so what the hell is he getting out of it! I mean, I don't have the time to properly spend time with him. I live with domineering parents so I can never stay the night at his place, no matter how much he wants me to. I work so much that I'm always tired. I can't even properly fuck him. Why the fuck does he still want to see me? 

"Well, you're not a virgin anymore."

"Baby be the class clown, I'll be the beauty queen in tears."

So a lot has happened since I last posted here. An awful lot. And I've learnt a lot about myself. I've been out with my cop many, many times. And the odd thing is, he's not my boyfriend. Definitely not. I have absolutely no idea what is happening between us at all. All I know is that when I'm with him, things seem to be easy. And when I'm with him, I forget about everything. 

Yes, I have my moments filled with self doubt when we're not together but those are largely my issues, as opposed to issues with us. I'm already feeling guilty about things. I don't exactly have time for him. I'm ALWAYS at work, and this is making me realise just how much I work. I work a lot. He works on average 40 hours a week in various shifts. I work on average 65 hours. His longest shift is 9 hours. The longest shift I've ever worked is 16 hours. I'm starting to understand why I'm always tired. 

The other day I had a terrible day at work. Was supposed to meet up with him afterwards but I ended up finishing 3 hours late, crying and in tears. It had been the shittiest day on record ever. I text him, saying that I was gross, had had a shit day, was super late, and he really probably shouldn't see me. I mean, I had changed into scrubs because everything was so shit. People were dying, people were being transferred to ICU, it was just thoroughly shit. After all, by the time I was finished with work, he was due to start his night shift in 2 hours.

He ended up just saying I should come over. And so I did, I was too numb to do anything else really. I sort of stood forlornly on his doorstep for a few seconds and as soon as he opened the door, he just wrapped his arms around me, maneuvered me into his room and we flopped onto his bed. For an hour we just lay there like that, he had wrapped himself around me and was talking about random things and I really did just completely forget about work. 

The night before we had tried to have sex. And I say "tried" because we had to stop because I was so bleedy and paining. I mean, I knew it was going to be like that, I think I freaked him out a bit by being bleedy. I didn't mind the bleeding, but it was so damn painful. He said he didn't want to hurt me, and that we'd take things slow because it was my first time, and that I'd start to enjoy it with time. "Well, you're not a virgin anymore." He tells me as he puts his arm around me and just cuddles me for a while. 

I don't exactly know how I feel about that. But we've gone out a few times since then. And I certainly hope to be in his pants again before I jet away to Melbourne on holiday.

Now ladies, I need some advice - I've never been in a relationship before and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing and how things are going...any comments/advice/heckling is welcome. 

Thank you in advance!

getting skinny, getting skinny bitches!

"Take a chance you stupid ho, take a chance coz you might grow."

Well that's certainly what I'm saying to myself. Take a chance. I'm trying to psych myself out for my first circuit training class tomorrow. I can already see the silver platter with my arse on it. And I'm pretty damn sure it'll get handed to me a minute into the class. Why am I going? Because the hot copper will not stop asking. 

I don't get it, I don't understand why he keeps asking me to the gym. And I know it will not stop so I just have to suck it in (literally) and just go. Well fuck. I might look a fool but if I can keep it up, I'll get thin. I'm going to be so hot and sweaty, it'll be gross. Why the hell would he want to see that?

I've lost a good 6lbs since I met him because I have absolutely no appetite at all. Can't bloody eat, can't bloody sleep, can't bloody work. And that's without me trying to lose weight at all. I'm now at 118lbs, the lowest that I can remember being for a very long time. If I add the gym into that mix, well. Who knows what might happen. I want to get to 110lbs soon, and then I'm going to pick up ballet again and make a good go at going en pointe this time round. 

Trying to psych myself out by looking at celeb fitspo and thinspo. They must hard out work out to look that good. And frankly, if I go through any of the above transformations then it will all be worth it, even if he dumps me on the spot at the gym for being such an unfit slob. 

There. I said it. What I'm really afraid of. I've spent my whole life feeling like an ugly, good for nothing piece of crap. Truly believing that no man would ever want me. I spend most days feeling fat and ugly and preoccupied with using all my energy to look presentable. And now somebody has appeared to have picked me up, and not just somebody, a fucking gorgeous cop who seems to have his life sorted. He is very quickly becoming the conduit for all my greatest fears. 

I'm already scared to death that I'm too fat for him. Now I'm fucking scared I'll be too unfit for him. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm already scared that he's going to dump me for not being good enough. 

And I really don't want to lose him just yet. Just last night, when he was on duty and having his dinner break, he came to my house, picked me up, drove me to the beach where we sat in his patrol car, looking out at the city lights. And so we made out again. I'm really starting to like this whole making out thing. 

Right now it's too late to change anything. All I can do is go tomorrow and do my best. And hope that it's enough. I hate feeling so inadequate.