Sunday, January 30, 2011

until further notice

So I'm off away from home and back to the other city where I'm working. It was such a nice long weekend, nice to sleep more than 4hours a night for a change, nice to sleep at all really because we had a cyclone tear through the city (which is bad) but that means it's been uncharacteristically cold for the summer which means it's been cold enough for me to actually get some decent sleep! So nice to feel refreshed for a change!

For the past month and a half study and work and my personal life going to pot means I've been sleeping about 4 hours a night, if that so I'm thoroughly exhausted. Yesterday I had an amazing but tiring ballet class. My calves, butt and abs are aching today. I should mention here and now that I am by no means a ballet dancer. This is a very basic intro class albiet a private lesson. So my brilliant teacher IB was forcing me into these very tight and very controlled poses that involved isolation of muscle groups and very consciously relaxing other muscles groups, it was difficult. I have such respect for anyone who dances ballet. It takes extraordinary strength and dedication.

I'm loving living away from home, the only eating a small dinner and nothing else thing is going great! Hey, it I can keep up the 2lbs weight loss a week thing I'm going to be over the moon. Only thing is my stupid internet provider hasn't connected us yet (it's been 2 weeks) and they say it'll be another 5-10 days. Bitches! So it means that while I'm down there for the next 4 days I won't be able to post (especially because I can't post this at the uni computer labs in case someone reads it).

But with my resolve in learning ballet properly and eating one small meal a day and my cans and cans of energy drink (100cals a can ladies, but it does keep me going all day) I'm sure I'll get through! Wish me luck and hopefully when we next talk I'll be another 2lbs lighter!

Friday, January 28, 2011


Well so my first day back at home was not exactly a good one. Not only have my parents thoroughly gutted my room so that it no longer looks like I live there but I have also been binging. I've had 3 fried chicken nibbles and a cup of coffee today and I'm feeling like a huge pig of pigs.

Now the room thing might not sound like such a big deal but you must understand that my room is my safe place. It's a private place, just for me (and MH, my best friend), every now and then my parents intrude to wake me up but nothing else. So for me to come back and find that they have gone through, touched all my private things and moved everything out of order, it means that my room is no longer my safe place, it's worse than being homeless.

I feel so violated.

Jones hasn't contacted me yet. So yup, he's dead to me. I reckon I've been too hurt to face him so whatever.

Here is some thinspiration that I've been using to kick myself and keep myself focussed, hope it helps someone else!

I tried on an old shirt today, one I haven't worn for a long time. A few months ago it was so tight that I couldn't button it over my chest. Now it's so loose that I couldn't possibly wear it out. I'm so proud! I'm 15lbs lighter than my heaviest weight, slowly getting there!!!!!!!!

my voice just echoes off these walls

Okay so having moved to another city (back now for weekend), we have no internet at home. We signed up with the stupid internet provider 2 weeks ago and every time we call them they tell us it's 5-10 days until we will be connected. So we call up again today, which is when they promised to have it up, and they tell us there was a problem with our order and now we have to start all over again and it'll be another 5-10 days till we have internet. Thus my absence. My humblest apologies girls and I promise to whip this internet provider's ass until we have internet.

Not having internet is so very crippling that it's almost sad how much we depend on it.

So that being said, I have a lot to say and I'm also very tired so I shall be succinct, after all, brevity is the soul of wit.

Firstly, I have been on almost a liquid fast all week. Lost 2lbs!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAY!!!! PROGRESS!!!! I say almost because I've been eating dinner. This is because dinner is a communal thing at my flat (annoying!) and my flatmates would notice if I didn't eat it. They are already concerned about me not having breakfast and lunch so I would really turn heads if I went on a proper liquid fast. But that probably also explains why I'm so lethargic...I ate a lot today, a binge if you will, because I knew I had to drive for a long time this afternoon to get home so I thought I'd need the energy, backfired though, because it just made me sleepy.

Started work again, which is exhausting but it is good to be back, but now I feel like I have no time to do the stuff I wanted and after effectively having no holiday, I'm burnt out already.

I just got an invitation to go to a prizegiving for a prize that I desperately want but have almost no hope of getting. This year it is being awarded to a girl called KD. Now, KD is the epitome of perfection. She is amazingly beautiful, she is tall and model thin, she is intelligent and tops every subject at uni, she does about 5 extra-curricular activities and has a gorgeous boyfriend. She is everything I want to be and more. But you see, this prize is in a particular academic field that I'm very interested in, so for her to get it...well, when I found out she was getting it, I just wanted to cry.

Not that I missed out, she is in the year above me so next year is my chance to get it, but it still hurts, seeing how smart and perfect she is, I know that I have no hope to getting it. But that department loves me, and they mean the world to me, and they would be so disappointed in me if I didn't get it. They would hate me and turn me out. That can't happen, but I am also not capable of getting that prize. I'm stuck. I'm so depressed right now, after finally realising the calibre of person that prize entails, I know I'm not capable of it. I'm not good enough for it. Not smart enough nor skilled enough in that area for it.

Jones is now back in the country. He came back almost a full day ago and I haven't heard from him since. The thing is, I have been so unspeakably hurt by his absolute silence since he left a month ago. I feel so abandoned and uncared for, the one person who I actually trusted and let in has now turned on me and won't contact me. It makes me feel like utter crap. I don't want to ever see him again. All I have to say to him is, you have hurt me more than you'll ever be able to comprehend so now you are dead to me.

I'm not even considering what I'll do if he starts communicating again. To me, that is so very unlikely that I haven't prepared for that possibility.

So right now, I feel abandoned, unloved, unworthy, stupid, ugly, fat, like a failure in every aspect of my life. I just want to cry and cut and cry some more and cut some more and eventually cry and bleed myself to sleep.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

the perfect instrument

I have been searching for the past hour for what I call "the perfect instrument". I've had an awful bloody day and binged several times and I've weighed myself and not lost any weight. Crap is not a strong enough word for how I'm feeling. Neither is shit. Now at times like these I need a little light relief and so as per usual I got my scalpel out then I had the idea of actually having some sort of crude design instead of just hacking away like I normally do.

Anyway, I ended up drawing some lines (because I can only cut in lines with blades, I'm not a fan of scratching away for various designs), 5 lines, 4 parallel to each other and the 5th line going through all 4 lines diagonally like a tally. But my scalpel isn't really shaped right to do that sort of cutting (so I've just ordered some more scalpel blades of a more appropriate shape online) and now I am on the hunt of something that will cut like that. But with an added dimension, I want these to scar. Scalpel blades give me immense control over direction and depth but they do not tend to scar. They leave a thin red line after the scab has fallen off and that eventually fades. I want a white scar after this and now I don't know what to cut with.

Scissors will definitely give me the scar I want but they offer much less control and so I don't think I'll be able to keep to the lines. I don't really know, I think my best bet is to just use the scissors really. The holy grail right now is that perfect instrument that will give me a nice scar without sacrificing my dexterity and control over the blade.

Jones has been back in Holland from Barcelona for 3 days now and I've heard no word from him. Frankly, I've given up but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to think that he really doesn't care about me. I've been so busy lately that I haven't really thought about him much but today I got a whole lotta work heaped on me and this all at a time when I'm moving out of home for the first time, and going to live in a different city and about to start some serious training in the hospital. I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed to say the least but worst of all, I'm losing all perspective so I can no longer tell if I have any right to feel so stressed and overwhelmed or if I'm just being a whiney little bitch.

So, all in all, a shit end to a shit day. I've given up all hope on Jones and I'm not going to contact him until he contacts me first. I'm now going to grab the sharpest, biggest pair of scissors I can find. If they don't scar up enough then I'll just do it again later on, when I've had a look at the scar and evaluated if it needs redoing.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

unlocking my wardrobe one dress at a time

It's hot, humid and sticky, in general it's pretty gross where I am. The heat of summer coupled with cyclones is seriously no fun. Nor is driving around in a cyclone in my little hatchback, feeling it sway from side to side. I haven't slept more than 3 hours per night for the past 5 nights at the very least and I haven't had a decent night's sleep (that's more than 6 hours for me) since the New Year. I'm pretty tired and so to stay motivated to exercise while I'm tired, sleepy, hot, humid, sticky and hungry is not easy. Now, at the end of a short work out I feel like I'm going to collapse.

Still, life isn't all doom and gloom right now. Prof CNM told me yesterday that he was very pleased with the work that I'd been doing so far. I was deliriously happy (yes, my life is that sad), I'd had no idea how he felt about me, as far as I knew he was secretly thinking that I was some useless tosser! So at least work is going okay at the moment.

For some reason the weight loss is going much slower than the rate at which I'm going down dress sizes. Not that I'm complaining about this, I'd rather have this than nothing at all, don't get me wrong, but the thing is, my scales don't say I've lost weight yet I continue to keep fitting clothes that were too small for me.

My wardrobe is possibly one of the most important things in my life and for such a long time I've not been able to wear what I like because I've not fit into my clothes or I've had to buy new, larger clothes to hide my growing weight. Now that I'm dropping weight again I can actually wear quite a lot of the stuff I used to be able to wear. I'm still quite a long way from fitting into the stuff I could wear when I was my lowest weight, and it just shows me how much I didn't appreciate how small I was when I was that weight. When I get to my goal weight of 49kg I will celebrate with a new dress! More incentive, I always want a new dress!

Short today, I've got to drive to another city this after and back, all in the name of moving out of home! (Even if it's only for 10 months, it's still awesome)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

a particularly green streak

Well today was the first day back at uni and I guess it had it's ups and downs. On the up side the lectures were great, interesting and actually relatively okay to understand, it was great to see my friends again and I got quite a lot of my year sorted.

However. The big black mark all over today was a particular ex-friend who shall henceforth be refered to as SL. She and I used to be buddies, we're quite different and she was always very interested in my taste in fashion and make up and always asking to go shopping with me. I'm always happy to have a shopping buddy so that was all good. Then all of a sudden, with no warning, she hated everything I stood for. She called my clothes slutty (they're not, my style is strictly corporate and my outfits are almost without fail a pencil skirt with a shirt) and she thought make up was stupid and a waste of time. It was like she had the exact opposite view of what she had before and this literally happened overnight.

Anyway, we travel in the same social circles so we have been faux friends since then and after she got a boyfriend she sort of just dropped off my radar. I really only see her in between hospital rotations when we are doing on campus learning weeks. But when I saw her today, she had lost weight. I mean, she's always been thinner than me, but now, she's lost more weight and even I admit that she's looking great. Apparently it's all the belly dancing that she's been doing and the guys are all marvelling at her abs.

I can't tell you how much this makes sick with envy. For some reason I feel like she's my rival (even though we are in no way competing for any of the same things) but the fact that she's looking so great just drives me up the wall. I feel kinda worthless because if someone like her can lose weight then so can I.

I've now signed up for private ballet lessons once a week. They are freakishly expensive but I think that if I take private lessons then this will have several good effects:
1. I will feel obliged to practice ballet lots because the lessons cost me an arm and a leg.
2. Private lessons mean I get more attention to problem areas and can improve faster to do more complex dances.
3. Paying buckets of money for these lessons mean I will have no money for food. I get $160 a week to live off on, I am expecting to pay $100 a week for rent/bills etc and I am paying $60 an hour for these lessons so I will literally have no money for food. I will of course have to eat, but I have savings so I shall probably buy a little food each week and live off that.
4. Ballet and no food is a double pronged approach to weight loss.
5. I'm hoping that with my day choc a block with work, ballet and other forms of exercise I will be forced to stop procrastinating and start studying for my qualification exams and working on my paper.

I'm hoping that with this regime I will be a trim ballerina by the end of the year, or at least, much slimmer and more graceful with any luck.
I can't stand the fact that SL is thinner than me. I mean, she was always prettier, but I MUST BE THINNER! I don't care what it takes at this stage, I will be stick thin and thinner than her.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

professional incompetence

No, that title doesn't herald some post about me doing something terrible in the hospital. That part of my life is still officially on holiday, at least, it is until tomorrow.

But what happened last night left me so outraged and drained of energy that I couldn't possibly behave properly. I just left and ran myself a hot bath and sat in it and bitched to one of my best friends about it. That probably all just meant nothing to anybody so I'll try to explain what happened even though it's still sort of a blur to me.

So I was sitting at my desk, working and trying to sort stuff out for when uni starts on Monday and my parents call me into their room. That only ever means that we are having a "meeting" where they discuss the things I'm not doing well enough and list the things that I needed to improve on. Needless to say that I hate these meetings but this one caught me off guard completely.

The opening statement was from dad and, it was (and I believe this is verbatim) "you are short, that's a disability, and you are unattractive and the only way a man will want to be with you is if he sees the value in you. You are rude and not polite enough and you need to get more valuable assests so that a man will want you." Firstly, I am not that short. I am 160cm tall and I have never found my height a problem. Secondly, height is inherited so if my parents have a problem with my height then it's all their fault.

Now that opening statement already had me completely fuming but it went on. He went on and on about how I need a boyfriend and how I need to make myself a better person for him. I need to be tidier because in future I will be cleaning up after myself and my boyfriend. I need to be polite and obedient because every man wants a quiet, obedient wife. But right now I am rude and unladylike and I need to change that for a man to want me.

This was followed by some shit about how I shouldn't do what I want to do, I should only do what I "should do" to further myself in life. And how even if I don't like what it is that I "should do", I must force myself to love it.

This was then followed by them saying I wasn't allowed to go to Hong Kong with one of my best friends at the end of the year. Now, they gave 3 reasons for this. The first was that I'm going to Germany next year so why don't I just transit HK when I go to Germany and save the money on the flight tickets (which is a valid enough point, I have no problem with this point). The second point was that the decision to go to HK wasn't "family oriented enough" and that I should be going to HK with my family and not with my friends (I'm 21 for fuck's sake! not 15!). The third point is possibly the most ridiculous of all 3 and it was that oh, but if I wanted to go to HK with my boyfriend (yes, the boyfriend that I don't have) then that would be absolutely fine.

So my friend who I was going to go with, she shares my anger and she suggests that I lie about going to HK with a boyfriend but actually jet off with her. Which is good except for the part that I would have to front up with a male as a fake boyfriend. I'm wondering if any of my gay friends would be happy to play the part.

Now considering I have summarised the main points of that talk into a few incoherent paragraphs, would it surprise anyone to learn that this talk took almost 2 hours, during which time I managed to scratch off all of the nail polish I was wearing in a desperate attempt to stop myself punching both my parents and storming out. I am so looking forward to not living at home. I don't know if I can get away with not coming home on weekend but my golly do I want to just never come home again.

Friday, January 14, 2011

every temporary high

Firstly, let me say a big thank you to the girls following me! You guys mean so much to me, thank you a million times over and I hope that I don't fail you and I will fast my ass off to make sure I don't!

I'm writing with aching triceps today because I got these kettle bells for christmas and I have been doing triceps pulls on them. My triceps have always been tremendously weak but now is the time for doing exercise! I've decided that I'm going to do 500 crunches before I go to bed each night, I'm sure it all helps the general effort.
Hopefully when uni starts all over again I will be able to fit in a more rigid diet and exercise plan into my daily routine. I look forward to being in the hospital again, all that walking did me lots of good and sitting on my ass all summer certainly didn't. Besides, being in a hospital will provide me with ample distraction from food and on top of that, the hospital food is yuck and expensive. It sounds like everything is really going my way, or will start to go my way starting next week and I really hope that'll be the case!

I had a look at some thinspo last night. It helps to motivate me to exercise, whereas I find that reverse thinspo helps me curb my appetite. My sore spot is the fat on my thighs. I don't know why but I suppose most girls have one trouble area that they hate more than others. I hate my legs so much. I hate my thighs. I have really short legs anyway and short, fat legs must be one of the most unattractive things in the world.
Words cannot express how much I love those pictures. I lack the eloquency to say how happy I will feel when I look in a mirror and see a gap between my thighs. At one point in time I was very close to that, I was starting to get a gap when I was about 110lbs and then it all just spiralled away and now I am 125lbs (down from 134lbs though!) and there is no gap by anyone's standards. Still, I know I am capable of it and when I am 110lbs again I shall look forward to developing that gap even more.
I'm thinking of getting a tattoo at the top of my left thigh, just a small one that says "mea culpa" to remind myself that the fat there is only there because of my stupidity and only I can get rid of it. And once it is gone it will remind me of where I came from and not never let myself get that way.
But I must wait to get paid because I have no money, quite literally. I've been working all summer and haven't been paid once yet. At this rate I will have no money for food (which suits me fine) but I will also have no money to pay rent and I don't want to be homeless.
Jones is now in Barcelona. Before he left he sent me an incredibly detailed itinerary which absolutely sucks because now I know exactly where he will be every day. A few days ago he sent me a brief email to say that the reason I haven't heard from him isn't because of his chronic fatigue but because he's enjoying forgetting all about his life here and just being with his sister in Holland and not having to think about home. For some reason this made me very angry. I thought, I've been barely sleeping for the past 2 weeks worrying about you and all you can say to me is that you are enjoying forgetting about me? I'm probably interpreting this with a very biased mindset but still. It made me think, when I move out of home and start hospital work again, I will forget all about you.
Had a meeting with SPM today. He is the doctor I am writing the paper with for Prof CNM. SPM is one of the loveliest and one of the most overworked people I have ever clamped my eyes on. He happened to catch me on a day where I hadn't eaten anything. I was allowed 400 calories that day but hadn't eaten anything. It was 3pm and I thought that if I could make it through to 3pm then I could make it a fasting day. But it was not to be! SPM hadn't had lunch and was bent on us having some food together once I had said that I hadn't eaten all day. The only excuse I could pull out was that if I ate now, I would surely be sick (which was perfectly true) and after much banter and much unnecessary worry on SPM's part I agreed to compromise that I would have a cup of coffee. Even so I had to wave away his attempts to buy me muffins at the cafe. SPM is truly lovely, but he will also be trouble if he even gets a slight whiff of my weight loss attempts.
Still, today is a good day! I can finally fit into one of my dresses, one that I haven't been able to wear for years because I got too fat for it! Fitting it again really boosted my morale and I can't wait to be too thin to wear it. I have bought a pair of trial pants. They're pink (my fav colour so it'll motivate me more) and they're just that tiny bit too small for me. I find buying clothes just that tiny bit too small is great motivation because I don't have to wait too long to fit into them and when I do I can't wait to be too thin to wear them.
I'm starting to get back to my old size because I'm starting to fit most of my wardrobe again. It's a good start but hey, 49kg is the target and damned and blast I will get there. At one point in time, when I was my thinnest I was 50kg, and so I know I can get damned close. Knowing that it's something I'm capable of makes a big difference. I'm not sure if 37kg is feasible for me, but I know 49 certainly is so that's what I'll shoot for first!
Afterall, everything is one step at a time.

REVERSE Thinspiration

Look at this. How could any sane person find this attractive or fanciable? THIS is what food does to you. All the lumps and the bumps and the revolting enormity of her. This is not beautiful, this is as far away from beautiful as you could possibly be. What's more, the stupid person seems to be happy with herself.

How is any man supposed to lift that hippo? How can any guy get his arms around that to hug it? They can't. Because she's too fat.

But she is not alone in being fat. Oh no, she is only one of millions of millions of people. I am one of those fatties. But at least I am a fatty who is willing to die to change it. All I want is to be beautiful. To actually feel it, to believe it myself, not to listen to some liar people tell me so. Food makes me fat. Fat is ugly. So to be beautiful I must not be fat and to not be fat I must not eat food.

I will kill myself if I am every that disgusting and repulsive.

Reverse thinspo is the most effective thing in the world. Look at these disgusting pictures and then ask youself, do you still want food? Each bite takes me one step closer. Each bite I don't take is one step further away.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

the peace in fasting

I have never been one for fasting. I'm not good at it, it gives me big, big headaches and my tummy rumbles loud enough for everyone to hear. Up until now I have not been able to fast for longer than a day.

Today is my second day fasting.

It might sound like much but for me this is huge. I've always thought that I was too weak to fast and that there was no way I could go a whole day without giving in to temptation or without feeling so hungry that I would have had to eat. But fasting for 2 days just proves to myself that I am perfectly capable of having enough self control fast. And fast for 2 days at that! This is the start of a whole new life for me.

I have proven to myself that I have self control, that I am in control of what I eat and that I am in control of who I am going to be. This is the first time that I've ever felt that I am in control of my future.

After a day of fasting that empty feeling and the pain that went with it went away. That hollowness that used to bring unbearable pain and failure then becomes a feel of purity and a feeling of peace and a feeling of power and pride and achievement.

I love the feeling of being hungry. I love the feeling of starving. It reminds me that I am doing something that will bring me closer to my goal weight.

a different kind of ill

I'm writing this journal because I am sick. I am sick for many
reasons and my sickness takes on many forms and sometimes, the only
way for me to sit down, buckle up and do some real work is for me to

One aspect of my illness is Ana. I'm sure some of you know her well.
Doctors refer to her as Anorexia Nervosa, but to me she is a person
who I have known all my life. I didn't notice her much when I was
little, she was just the girl in the room who would give me
repulsive glares every now and then. When I became a teenager she
started talking to me. Now that I'm an adult, she's moved in with
me. My household is a recovery unit. Every minute of every hour of
every day my family are shoving food down my throat. This is why I'm
always been fat, even if others call me thin, I feel fat, and that's
all that really matters. Quod me nutruit, me destruit. I love her
and I hate her. She is killing me but I will surely die if she
leaves me.

Another aspect of my illness is what some people would
call "lovesickness". I don't call it that. It's the most awful thing
I have ever experienced. It has turned me from an ambitious, hard
working, perfectly functional human being and destroyed me into a
snivelling husk of a person who can't sleep, can't focus, can't
work, can't exercise, can't go a day without randomly bursting into
tears. Because of it, my job is at risk, things that I have worked
hard all my life to get are at risk and yet I don't have the ability
to do anything except sit back and watch it slide away from me.

The boy in question is someone I've known for more than a decade. He
is my best friend. He knows me better than I know myself. He is also
currently in Holland, visiting his sister for a month. I miss him
like all hell. But he also rejected me, so it's a strange sort
of "missing him" because on the one hand I want my best friend back
so I can cry to him about all this. On the other hand, I never want
to see him again.

At the centre of the final aspect of my illness is a scalpel. I
say "illness" but it's something that I like and I enjoy and I
wouldn't ever give up for the world even though the world thinks I
have given it up. Why a scalpel? because they slice through skin
beautifully and leave the nicest looking scars. Sometimes, to get
away from the tension, I need to let myself bleed a little. It works
very well but since the general consensus is that this not good, I
decided to list it as part of my illness.

In between all that sick, slot moving out of home, the second to
last year of medical school, a pending due date for a paper and a
demanding professor. Somewhere in amongst all that there is me.
Bouncing around from one thing to another. Trying to keep it

His name is of no consequence but from here on in he shall be referred to as Jones. For the past year not a day has passed without us
contacting each other in some way. Now he is in Holland and I
haven't heard from him in 2 weeks. I feel like I slowly dying. It's
a horrible way to live, checking my email every few minutes, hoping
for a message from Jones, dreading a message from Prof CNM. I just want
to know that he is okay, that his chronic fatigue isn't flaring up,
that he's having a good time. And, somewhere hidden in the space in
between his words, I want to know that he hasn't forgotten about me.
I say that he rejected me. But what he really said was that he
wanted to think about it. To me, this is as good as a no. Since he
is going to be away for a month in total, by the time he gets back I
will have convinced myself it is a no and have finished my mourning.

But he is still my best friend. We totally geek out together, being
a geek is great fun. I miss him. I told him I fancied him on
Christmas Eve. He left for Holland on Dec 27th. I need to have a
good long conversation with him when he gets back but I don't know
if he'll want to see me.

Since we are best friends, I know all the girls that he has fancied
and thinking back, he definitely has a type. Pale skin, part Asian,
long dark hair, super skinny. I'm none of those things. Well, I am
Asian. I have short dark hair, I am tanned and I am fat, fat, fat.
Really, it's no wonder I don't tickle his fancy. I always knew he
was too good for me, still, doesn't hurt to shoot for the moon every
now and then.

I can hear my stomach growling right now. I can also feel the
emptiness. I have already had 4 cups of tea and a cup of miso soup
today in an effort to curb my appetite and it has been working.
Besides the miso soup (15 cal) I haven't had anything to eat. But I
have resolved to have lunch because I have a meeting with Prof CNM
and SPM (the doctor I'm writing the paper with) and so I can't be
thinking about food.

I dread feeling hungry. Being hungry gives me a headache. But at the
same time, hunger pains and tummy growling is such a feeling of
bliss because it constantly reminds me that I am empty, empty,
empty. Being empty gives me such a feeling of accomplishment. It
means that I had enough self control to steer away from food and
step closer to my goal.

My goal weight right now is 49kg. Why 49kg? I know that this is an
awfully heavy weight, and my ultimate goal weight is 37kg. But I
have to take everything in steps and I have latched onto 49 as a
good number. I'm currently 60kg so that's 11kg away. Perfectly
feasible. 49kg is because I read that one of my favourite characters
is 49kg. I have no idea how there can even be stats on anime
characters but there sure are! Height and weight included. It's
really odd and hilarious at the same time, but my favourite
character is 49kg, and 165cm tall. I'm 160cm tall so I figure 49kg
should be a reasonable first goal. Then 45kg. Then 37kg but like I
said, one step at a time!

So anyway, quite enough for now.