Saturday, May 28, 2011
...then sure enough it's worth fighting for. Yes, I've been watching Let's Dance for Comic Support. But I guess I've also learnt a huge lesson, and it's to not give up. That's probably one of the most obvious lessons of all time.
I mean, what kind of dumbass doesn't know "never give up"? Apparently I am that kind of dumbass. This is where I've been going wrong all the other times I've tried to lose weight. When I get stuck in a rut I can't get out of, I stop trying and just think I can't lose any more. Then when enough time passes I forget and put the weight back on over time. But those were just long plateaus. But now, it's like, I feel like the plateau has passed, I lost 3lbs in the past week and I'm starting to shift the weight again.
Hopefully I've actually passed it and then I can start to lose more weight again. I'm just so super hopeful right now. I'm hoping to lose more weight and now I know to hang in there if I get to another plateau.
I can see that I've lost some more weight, but it's still not enough, I know that I have a long way to go but I'm relieved that I'm actually moving again.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Hi Hi all. I feel that I should write a disclaimer right here and now that what is going to follow is a steady stream of unrelenting self pity and hate and depression and general misery about work. As the title of this post suggests, it's what has brought on an acute loss of appetite and motivation and general will to live. And I should tell you know that it's over something that you all might find insignificant and petty, and I recognise that. And I suppose on some level it is petty, but for me, this means the world so in a way, in the past hour my world has come crashing down.
I guess they say that every cloud has a silver lining and that's true. The silver lining to this is that I have absolutely no will to eat. At all. I can't bear the thought. How can I be chowing down on food when my career has been threatened. I don't know how many of you watch Big Bang Theory, but in one episode Sheldon says "she's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work and if I had another significant aspect of my life I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too!" That pretty much sums up how I go through life. I work, I sleep, not much else gets done. In fact, not much sleep or work gets done either, I don't really know where the time goes.
For those of you wondering what the eff I'm taking about, (and warning, here comes the petty bit) I got my marks for ophthalmology today. I did awfully on that test, as in truly badly. I knew I had no hope of getting that prize, I knew it wasn't going to happen but confirmation sure is a bitchslap to the face. My test mark was so bad that it dragged my overall mark down significantly. Now I've always been one of those people who says, marks don't mean anything. It's no reflection of how I will be as a doctor, it's not a measure of anything but it has to be done. And so I'm feeling like a right old hypocrite right now because I'm sick to my stomach (literally) about this.
It takes an awful lot to put me off eating. That's why I find restricting so difficult at times because I always feel like eating. I just control myself and tell myself not to eat. But that doesn't mean I don't want to. The only other time in my life when I've been off food was when I was sitting medical school entrance exams and nervous as all hell. So this is one hell of a blow. Even I'm surprised by how hard I'm taking it. But I suppose I'm taking it badly for several reasons.
I want to stand out to those people. I want them to remember me and like me and think of me as something quite special and intelligent. I want them to think I have a future in ophthalmology and that I'm going to be good at it. I want to rise through the ranks like some sort of emerging star and just be amazing. Does that sound stupid? I feel a bit stupid typing it out but I'm just being honest. This undermines all that. Now all that is there is fear, and a whole lotta fear at that.
I'm scared they'll dismiss me as someone who is interested but doesn't have what it takes. All the work I've done, all the stress and tears and blood, all of it will mean absolutely nothing if Prof and TS no longer feel I have what it takes. And then everything that I've ever wanted will become impossible and I will have nothing left. And my parents will be right again and I will have to face that. I fought so hard against them to do medicine and to do ophthalmology, and as a result they've rejected me. For me to lose ophthalmology proves their point, I'm not good enough for it.
If I lose TS, and the rest of that department I will have no support. They are the only ones who have not only supported my decision but encouraged me. I can't face a life without them. I'm so so scared right now.
What sort of failure am I? I'm fat and ugly. I can't even restrict properly, nor can I purge. I'm not shifting weight (even though, on one tiny bright note my clothes are definitely looser). And the one thing I care about in life, I'm not even remotely good at.
Every time I watch Phantom of the Opera, and it gets to the end, where Raoul is pleading with the Phantom, "I love her, does that mean nothing?" I've never understood that. I love her, does that mean nothing. And I used to think with much scoffing and much scorn that no, it doesn't mean anything, that's completely irrelevant. And then I would get pissed off. And now I feel like Raoul did then. I want to say to these people, I love ophthal, does that mean nothing? I love the eye, I love that job, I love you all. I've given up so much for it, does that mean nothing to you?
To face the possibility of losing the career (which is one half of the two things that matter to me), and losing so many of the people who have filled the father gap in my world is too much.
I don't often seriously contemplate suicide but I am now. Not saying I'm going to do it, if I was I'd say goodbye to you girls first. But I'm saying that I'm thinking seriously. When you actually think about it, it's very, very easy. If I lose all the things that matter, what is there left to live for?
On some level, my patients. I want to help them, make life better for them. But how much longer can I stumble onwards, being hurt left right and centre, just hoping to maybe make a difference to someone?
Monday, May 23, 2011
Alas. The perils of being a female are starting to rear their ugly little heads and interfere. I don't know if anyone else notices, but when I'm about a week or two from getting my period, I get SUPER HUNGRY!!!!!!! I'M SO HUNGRY!!!!
And it's not even just the increased hunger. It's the awful, awful, awful cravings. Do you know what I want right now?
I want a cheeseburger, tiramisu cake, cheesecake, fish and chips, lots and lots of pizza, chicken nuggets, hash browns, a whole big English fry up, a hot dog, brandied roast chicken with loads of stuffing and gravy. And that's just the start.
Lucky I have this soup that is like 27cal per mug so I've just been having loads of that. 3 mugs today, and that's not very many calories. I also had dinner because I can't get out of dinner. But at least the soup is stopping me from getting in my car and going to McDonalds and ordering everything on their menu and scoffing it all.
Anyone have any tips for beating these sort of cravings? All I can think of is food!!!!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Hi all. So I'm starting to get confused. I'm looking at the scales and it says that I haven't lost an ounce of weight. Still flat at 54kg and not moving anywhere. But then I'm feeling thinner. My boots are looser. Some clothes that I was squeezing into at 54kg are now fitting much better and aren't so tight. And when I look in the mirror, my abs look more defined than before. So I don't know what's going on.
I want to drop weight like I did at the start of the year, a few pounds a week and I could see the difference. I've not lost weight for so long that I don't even know if I can anymore. I'm so discouraged right now, I don't understand, I'm looking forward to this week being over so I can go home again and have access to a gym. Dieting is much harder at home though, so I don't know. I'm hoping I'll be so busy that I can skip breakfast and lunch and then get to have a small dinner to keep the people at home happy then work out to work it all off.
But I've made plans like this before and not followed them. Which depresses me. I'm hoping to lose weight this week. Maybe I'll do some sit ups and push ups in my tiny little hostel room and hope that that helps the general effort.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
It turns out I'm in far deeper than I thought. I'd always believed that when somebody told me I was beautiful and I was sure that they weren't lying, I would not want to lose weight and I'd stay the way I was. Maybe it's not fair to say that I believed it, more like, there was a part of me that hoped that once I heard that then I wouldn't feel the need to shoot for what I feel is perfection.
Turns out that's not true.
Today I was having a frank discussion with a friend of mine about this. He's told me a lot about his life, he's recently got a girlfriend and not many people know and he's sharing a lot of that with me so we've been having semi-personal conversations. Then he expressed a concern that I'm not eating enough and the conversation evolved from there. He told me I don't need to feel bad about the way I look because he thinks I'm beautiful, he's always thought so and he knows there are other people who think so too. And he said it seriously, he told me off for laughing at that comment and he was actually very sincere about that sentiment. In short, I know he was telling the truth and that was what he actually believed.
Impact? None whatsoever.
It didn't invoke one shred of emotion within me. I didn't feel annoyed at him for saying it, but it didn't bring a flood of relief like I thought it would. I am unchanged from that conversation. I still want to lose weight. I still have the same goals. I am still upset that I can't lose the weight as fast as I would like to.
Having people think I'm beautiful and pretty is not enough. It is not what I want. I want people to think I'm thin. I don't care if they express that sentiment in the terms "skinny bitch" accompanied with a dirty look. That is more of a compliment to me than a sincere, 'the truth is, you're beautiful, I've always thought so."
Monday, May 16, 2011
It's hard to gauge if I've lost any weight because there are no scales here. But by general vibing it out, I don't feel like I've gained any weight. So at least that's a plus. I think I may have lost a small amount of weight, small but at this point in time, any weight loss is a plus for me. I wish it could be like the Biggest Loser and I could drop like 8lbs a week, that would be bliss. But mind you. they work out hard too. I don't have time to put in hours and hours at the gym.
The liquid fast is okay. Or rather, it would be okay if there were no other people around. My colleagues are making me at least one meal a day. And my new team, who I have been with for all of one day are already a bit suspicious.
One of the guys on the team, RM, is without a doubt one of the best looking men I have ever seen. I'm getting worried now because I seem to come across good looking men than most of my friends. But I suppose that the girls in relationships can't really rant about how hot other guys are. As you might have worked out by now if you've read some of my blog entries, I am hardly the most descriptive person in the world by any stretch of the imagination. It is for this reason that I will only mention the things that I noticed the most about him.
He has the most amazing eyes. I haven't looked at him enough to fully gauge the colour, but I'm going to say blue/grey. I cannot for the life of me hold eye contact with him for any measurable length of time. As soon as I see those eyes I have to look away. The sad thing is that he's so nice. My other colleague is much more talkative than me so he spends more time speaking to RM. I just sit there and every now and then I'll laugh or just say one thing. I don't know why I'm like this!
RM is super responsive and he'll like, immediately look at me whenever I make a sound. I must look bloody awful because when he noticed I wasn't eating and half falling asleep he asked me if I was okay. He has the most stylish glasses I've ever seen in my life and he's one of the only people who could pull off those glasses and not look a little bit weird.
He has a bit of a scruffy look going on, which I don't normally go for but there is something about him that really holds my attention. That's probably why I spend so much time and effort trying to not pay attention and I very much err on the side of looking like I'm ignoring him or snobbing him.
I can't wait for these 2 weeks to be over so I can stop being distracted by the gorgeous RM and those amazing eyes. I have lots of things to work on and I don't need distractions.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I don't know where the time's gone. Now I'm sitting in bed in some little hostel like accommodation in a strange little city where I will be placed for 2 weeks. I've remembered to pack half my wardrobe but conveniently forgotten my stethoscope so I have no idea how I'll do any work. Which is a great impression to make. I've also forgotten almost everything about this job so I'll look like a dumbass anyway.
But whatever, it's 2 weeks. I started my liquid fast last night. In retrospect I've realised that I've been going through my hungry time which inevitably means I'll get my period soon. It also means my skin is breaking out, which I don't appreciate at all. At all, at all. So to summarise all that, I look awful and I feel like a right royal idiot. Which is a great way to start any job, even if it is one I don't care for at all.
So far so good but I can't exactly say that an 18hour liquid fast means anything, I shall see how I feel at the end of today to gauge how well this week is going to go. I'm probably going to go home this weekend, even though I wasn't planning to and get some sort of exercise in. And I don't mean to be gross but I feel sort of constipated. I don't know how it works, it seems weird to me. Sometimes when I'm eating lots, I get constipated but when I'm barely eating anything, I seem to be able to go, a lot, everyday. It's weird.
But anyway, time for me to prepare for the day ahead. Which shouldn't take long considering I didn't bring anything. But I'll wash up in hopes that being clean makes me look better.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I'm too tired to be in a foul mood. If I had the energy I would be ranting and raving and screaming at my parents and crying loudly and all those things little kids do when they throw a temper tantrum.
On a good note, the one that seems to be going well is that because I'm so busy, I have adequate excuse not to eat. And it's hard being at home because my parents force me to eat, however little, so it's easiest when I'm not at home. Hence why I'm doing a 2 week liquid fast when I'm in another city for 2 weeks.
Today I had 2 flat whites with no sugar and a small bowl of noodles with a small piece of fish. The coffees are necessary, I had to eat the rest because of my parents. But given that I walked an hour through gale force winds and torrential rain, I think I had a good day overall.
As you might have guessed, I'm stretched a bit thin right now. I'm doing a project for uni (thus the late nights) and working 3 jobs (writing 3 papers) and this is all on top of my usual training. I'm tired. I'm really, really tired. Today, when my pen ran out, I went to buy a new one and the sales assistant said to me "you should try sleeping". I thought I looked okay! But apparently I don't.
Now, the reason I'm in a foul mood is because of my parents. Well, that wasn't a necessary sentence because it's always because of my parents. All I said when I got home was "I am tired" and they launch into scolding me for not doing enough exercise. They have a point. I don't do much exercise. But given the context of training, doing a big project in a week, working 3 jobs and working 7am to 7pm then coming home to do more work on my papers and project, I would like to think that I can be excused. To be frank, I don't think I deserve that scolding. My head is spinning with all the things I'm doing and I don't even have time for sleep. If I had the time I'm sleep 5 hours instead of 4 and skip the exercise.
So now I'm in a foul mood and I'm stuck in a house with people who smother me. I can't wait to get away from this house!!!!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Thank you my beloved Ruki and Tati for what you guys said about purging. You're right. You're both so right.
And Ruki, I do remember what I told you when you threw up your food and yes, I agree with what I said then, so I should follow my own advice eh?
Yes, I will fast tomorrow. I will definitely fast tomorrow. Well, I'm having a coffee but that's different. Coffee is as necessary as oxygen!!!!
I've been so bogged down by my yoyo weight and by the stress of work that I got a bit desperate and lost sight of what really mattered. It's infinitely better to control what goes in my mouth than to throw things up again. I won't start purging. I will fast and fast and exercise until I reach my goal weight!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
So many things tell me it's not good to purge, to not go down that way. And I can't. Because no matter how much I want to, I can't purge. I stand there in the bathroom and I just can't throw up. I'm so nervous I can't even stick a finger down my mouth to help. Sometimes though, the only thing that will help me is to purge (like now) but I just can't do it!
Do any of you girls have any tips for me? Like a, how to purge (for dummies)? I've only just eaten and I don't even know how soon afterwards I have to do it. I can feel that I've put on at least 1kg. Which sucks balls. I am going to liquid fast for most of next week and only eat dinner if I have to. But this sucks. I want to throw all this food up and I feel sooooo full up and bloated from my binge (stupid mother's day lunch) and I just want to get rid of it all so I can feel better.
I know it's the only thing that will make me feel better but I just don't know how to do it! I don't know what it's like but I'd hate for it to be some sort of massive struggle with lots of retching. I just want to stand there, bend over, have it all come out then be done with it. Is that even realistic? Or am I dreaming of some ideal world where purging is as easy as that?
Friday, May 6, 2011
Disclaimer: I should warn you all that as I write this post it is approaching midnight on Friday and it has been about 10 days since my last decent night's sleep. For ten days I've been barely getting 3 hours a night and have been solidly wired on caffeine and adrenaline since then.
So it's almost midnight and I've reached a point of exhaustion that's hard to describe. Every part of me is too tired to do anything, except my eyes which are still trying to stay open and my fingers which seem to magically type. My head has been hurting for so long I can't remember what it feels like to have a clear one. My mind is so full of things that I can't think straight on any level, I couldn't even remember to weigh myself tonight, although I remember now. Pity the scale is in the bedroom of my sleeping parents.
I've been struggling to breathe for 3 days now although I'm sure these are minor anxiety attacks where I'm only noticing the breathing but they feel like mild asthma attacks and I'm back with my inhaler (which might have expired by now). I find it hard to walk down stairs because I'm generally light headed but standing at the top of a flight of stairs and looking/walking down just makes things spin a little.
Now, I have a short, short, SHORT memory but I can't remember a night where I didn't cry myself to sleep (probably because I can't remember past last Wednesday) and I can't remember feeling quite so bad before.
Some of you might remember my long, LONG rants about Prof and how scared I was about how he might fire me. Well, he didn't. That's why I'm still busting my ass over this project. But when I saw him last Friday, all prepared to be fired, he wasn't mean at all. In fact, he's never been nicer to me.
Let me explain why I'm taking this so badly. Now, to any other person they would be happy. I'm not fired, he was nicer to me, nicer than he's ever been. He was understanding, even gentle if I feel like pushing the boundaries a bit. Why am I not pleased. The thing is, he used to tease me a lot (which he still does) and he used to be demanding and sarcastic and he would push me to breaking point. But that's because he believed I could do it and he wanted me to do well and succeed and all those things that go along with that. But now, he's given up on me. I can tell. He doesn't care anymore. He just wants me to finish this paper so that our association can end.
And this is a man who I have to work with for a month and who is assessing me and who is going to determine my future in this field. I'm so depressed. I'd rather he have yelled at me, then continued to push me.
I feel so good for nothing. I've dropped everything in my life for this project and TS went to so much trouble for me and I've just wasted it all. I've just, I only had one area to concentrate on and I couldn't even succeed in that. I did badly in the test so I won't win the prize that KD won and that I so badly want. Hell, Prof even said to me, and I believe this is verbatim, that I have failed the first hurdle.
I'm not smart, I'm not good at what I do, I disappoint everyone. I'm not a good person, this is why I only have a few friends and nobody else likes me. I can't succeed at work or in my studies, not even if I try my best. And I'm not even pretty. As if being pretty would be some sort of saving grace. But I'm so fat and ugly and I've been told more than once that nobody will want me because I'm fat and ugly.
And I'm Asian. I've experienced enough racism in my life to know what a burden being an Asian is. I wish I wasn't. It's one of the reasons I'm so not pretty. I hate my eyelids, my nose. I hate being rejected by people because I'm Asian. Especially patients. Plus, so many Asian girls are tiny thin but I'm this big lumbering monster who is not only fat and ugly but stupid and mean.
I haven't an ounce of self esteem which is why on a superficial level I know that people like my few friends and TS like me but I can't even begin to understand or appreciate it on a deeper level and I end up feeling like I'm alone and abandoned even though logically I know there are people who like me. I wish I could believe that they care about me, even just a little bit. Because right now I feel like if my fat ass fell of this earth nobody would give two hoots.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Nothing works as well as retail therapy. When I need a pick me up, nothing brings the buzz back as well as a new dress or top or shoes. (I have short legs so buying pants and skirts are a little less appealing.)
Today Prof depressed the living daylights out of me. It's just the little comments that he makes, and I know (or I hope) that he's joking and I laugh it off but I do take it personally. Little things like, how he didn't know he would be supervising me for 4 weeks (which is by the way the entire reason I'm trying to get down to 49kg) and then jokes that he thought he had gotten rid of me. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm some sort of retard and that he just has to hang in there until I've finished the paper and then never see me again.
Words can't describe how depressed I am right now.
So. Retail therapy it is! Since I'm broke I do the whole op-shop thing. I bought a new dress that is really cute yet could pass for professional. And it fits me well in every way except one. It is super tight across my chest. For a wee while now I've thought that my boobs are too big. (Most of my girlfriends would call me mental for thinking that.) I hate it when there is a top/dress that fits me perfectly except it won't button/zip up past my boobs. I would look smaller than I do now if my boobs were smaller. I wish they were smaller!
But hopefully, as I lose more weight they will shrink a bit. I don't want them to disappear totally but I do want them to get smaller so I can get into my clothes better!
Mind you, I want everything to get smaller. I just want to get smaller in general.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Well today was my first lecture day for a long time. I haven't seen most of my class for about 3 months and I've not seen one of my best friends BB for a month and a half.
And I wore my new coat, which is a size 6 (where I'm from this is the smallest size you can get in most stores but it is nowhere near as small as US size 0. I think it's closer to US size 4 which isn't that small) and a few people sent comments my way. Several complimented my coat. Which I appreciate because a) it is a very nice coat and it's new and b) it cost me $239, which, for a poor student who is barely making ends meet is a lot of money.
But a few people also said to me that I looked like I'd lost weight! One girl said to me that she thought I'd lost a lot of weight. And BB said to me that I was quite dramatically thinner. And it's BB comment that means so much because I flat with her normally so she's seen me at the worst of times when I'm not trying to hide all my fat so she knows how fat I was to start with. She kinda looked surprised and grabbed my waist to see how small I'd gotten.
Now I must admit that what would mean the most to me is if TS ever noticed that I was getting smaller. He noticed that I was tired and I can't tell you how much that meant. But he hasn't noticed that I've lost weight yet. But mind you, I plan to be at 49kg sometime in the near future. I wrote a while ago that I was back up at 57kg but now I've gotten back to 54.5kg again. Which took time and effort but at least I'm back. Now I'm going to keep going and get down to 49kg. I just have to do it in time. I still feel that 6kg is a lot of weight to lose, and I'm really unsure of if I can do it in the next 4 weeks. I'm really, really not sure. I know that I can get down to 52kg or even 51kg in that time but 49kg, that's a lot to ask for. I'm seriously hoping that 2 weeks of liquid fasting will help me a whole lot.
In my head, I'm going to lose 4kg in those 2 weeks and 2kg in these next 2 weeks. I don't know if this is realistic at all. And I will be so disappointed if I don't make it.
But I was always the person to make back up plans till my head hurt so I've got one now. My plan is, if I don't get down to 49kg in 4 weeks, I will probably be around 52-51kg. In which case I will be 47-48kg by the end of the 4 weeks that I will spend working for Prof CNM.
Does that makes sense? I hope to be 49kg by the time I start working for him and if all went according to plan I'd be about 45kg by the time I finished with him a month later. But If that doesn't work then I will also accept 51-52kg by the time I start working for him and being 47kg by the time I finish working for him.
I want results fast, but I also know that this is a long term commitment and there is really no point in me killing myself over something like this when I know for sure that I will get there in the end. I will one day be skinny and remain thin for the rest of my life. So it really doesn't matter if it takes me a few extra weeks to get there.