Tuesday, January 31, 2012

debts to be paid

So. Just when it was all going so well. One day ruined it all. 
In all honesty, I probably didn't do that much damage in a day. I'm still vegan, all I did was eat an amazing amount of vegetables but I was so full. So disgusting and full. It's been a long time since I was that full. 

This is how I've changed over time. Now I feel disgusting when I'm full. I feel like a failure. I don't feel right unless I feel empty and hungry. I hate the feeling of having anything in my bowels. I hate the feeling of knowing that I ate something. I just hate it all. I just want to be empty and light, floating on a cloud, beautiful and thin. 

Bones and bones and bones. 
Delicate and fragile.
Yet strong. Starve on. I can do something they can't do.

What is size? Does it even matter? It's not enough anymore. It's not enough for numbers to tell me that I'm small. So what if I lost weight? It doesn't matter because I still feel as fat and ugly as I did when I was at my heaviest. I'm only happy when I'm empty. Only then can I step on the scales and pray to the clouds above that the number is lower than last time. 

After several upbeat posts, I'm afraid I have to lumber you girls with another downer. I was planning for this post to be upbeat as well but I got some bad news about a paragraph into writing it. And since reading that email from the professor, I've decided not to sleep tonight and to numb myself as best I can. 

My hands shake. Partly because I've been working hard at the gym. 
Partly because of the shock. 
I can't feel my heartbeat anymore. 
The kiss of the cold metal on my skin. The redness tells me I'm still alive. 
I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. 

I've worked hard. I've worked hard for my papers. To be taken off one of them is almost too much to bear. Yes, it's not my fault that the machine kept breaking. Yes, it would be better for me to have more time to focus on this year instead of working in the weekends. Yes, my name will still be on the paper. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 

But to ask me to not work on it anymore. 
Why would he do this to me? 
I can't believe that it's because he's concerned about me being too busy. I would have happily worked myself to death for that paper. 
To call it a "crushing blow" isn't sufficient. It's not a crushing blow. 

It's confirmation. I didn't win the Ophthalmology prize because I wasn't smart enough or good enough to get the marks for it. 
I got taken off the paper because I didn't work hard enough to stay on. 
I'm just not enough for this career. I think it's time for me to just face the facts and start looking for another area for me to specialise in. 
What's the point in clinging onto hope with my teeth and nails if I know it's all futile? 

I want to curl into a ball and die. I'm pretty sure I'm halfway there already. 
What is the point in food? 
What is the point in eating when all this is going on? 
I wish I could cry. 

Red tears are for when real tears aren't enough. 

And now for something completely different! 
I hate to leave you girls on such a low note. I try to be upbeat, after all, one of the points of this blog is to perhaps inspire readers to continue with their efforts. 

A friend and I went to Abercrombie and Fitch today. It's one of the only American stores in this country and so I think of it as a good way to gauge my size. Most of the time I don't know what size 0 means. I have no idea how big it is, or how big it is compared with how I am right now. I also don't like converting NZ sizes to UK or US sizes because each website tells me something slightly different and I find it safer to just try on actual US sized clothing instead of trying to rationalise my way into it. 

Long story short, I tried on some stuff at Abercrombie and Fitch...I ended up buying a pair of XS yoga pants. And I almost bought a pair of shorts. That were a size 0. In all honesty, those shorts fit me, but would look a lot better if I lost another 5-10lbs. It's still nice to know that I can fit a size 0, even if it is with some squashing. 

Hopefully that gives some of you a better idea of what size I am. Thank you to Christina, loveylou and strive4perfection for your lovely comments on my last blog post! 

Sunday, January 29, 2012

I'm on call...to be there.

Spent the weekend on call. Exhausted beyond belief. Seeing patients freaks me out. Being on call makes me realise that in November, I will be the only doctor on call and when someone crashes and start to die, it will be up to me and me alone to do something about it. I'm going to kill so many people. 

I so don't feel ready to be a doctor. Unfortunately. I want to be good at it. But right now, I'm just not. 

Thanks for all the comments on my last blog post. I'm so glad you enjoyed a more upbeat entry. After a week of being vegan, I'm still loving it. My parents hate it because I can't eat anything they cook. But I'm feeling much more healthy. I have to cook all my own food and it actually tastes better. 

Plus, being vegan, I can get away with eating a reasonable amount and actually only taking in 400cal total. On top of that I go to the gym and work off about 300cal. A net intake of 100cal a day. Which is amazing. I must say, I do fatigue much faster at the gym. Much faster. I could normally do about 400-500cal at the gym but I can barely manage 300cal, I'm so tired. Still, it's pretty good progress. 

I weighed in at 122lbs at the start of my vegan venture. 7 days in, I've weighed myself again and I'm 118lbs. I'm also stunned at the rate of weight loss. 4lbs a week is more than I had hoped for. And if I can be vegan and be on call for 3 days in a row and survive, then I can be vegan every week. 

This means I'm only 3lbs from my next goal weight. I can barely believe that at all. Hopefully by the end of next week I will be at my next goal weight. 

During the course of this week I could feel that I was getting thinner. It's an amazing feeling, actually noticing the weight come off. The pants I wore at the start of the week were loose by the end of the week. The denim shorts I wore are so loose that they are falling down. 

It's a really odd place to be. On one hand, I can tell that I'm shrinking and that makes me unbelievably happy. But on the other hand, I don't feel any thinner and I'm just noticing more spots that need more fat off. So I guess I am going in the right direction, but I'm not there yet. As of now, at 118lbs, I am 28lbs from my ultimate goal weight. Well, the upper end of my ultimate goal weight. 28lbs seems so far away. I'm not sure if I can do it. But I know I'm trying!

I love you all my lovely skinnies! Stay strong, think thin and together we will be beautiful!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

queen of all vegans!!!!

I'M THE QUEEN OF ALL THE VEGANS!!! Mighty words from someone who has been vegan for 3 days. But really, the odd bit of temptation aside, it is SO EASY. I guess it helps that I'm Asian. Quite a lot of Asian dishes can easily modified to be vegan. 

It's also cut my grocery bill in half. I bought a whole lot of fruit and vege for not much money at all! I think I ended up with at least 4 times the amount of food for about half the price. It does mean I have to cook a lot more, but I'm rather enjoying the cooking. I do love cooking after all. 

My intake was around 900cal today. Which sounds awful. But it was because I finished work early and so came home for lunch. Then I went to the gym and came home and had dinner. To be honest, I didn't need to eat that much dinner. I'm so SO SO STUFFED FULL right now. 

Intake of just over 900cal and I burned 400cal at the gym today so that's roughly a net intake of 500cal. Which is awesome. I don't normally eat lunch and today's lunch was almost exactly 400cal so yeah, that figure should improve. 

If my net daily intake is around 200cal, then I should lose weight. It should also raise my BMR so I guess what I'm saying is that it will all help the general effort. 

Although, I must say, running at a net 500cal per day is pretty good. And that's just raw intake and output. With no BMR included. If I include BMR then I'm definitely running with a negative intake which makes me SO HAPPY! Still, I fatigue really easily so it's a big mental battle to keep working out but I have a good workout playlist and there are some pretty thin girls at my gym who I use for thinspiration and some fat ones that I use for reverse thinspiration. 

Still, I have respect for fat girls at the gym. Because at least they're doing something about their weight. 

Working out is much better than laxies or vomiting. It gives me much more of a high. And the real bonus is that it raises my BMR so I burn more calories when I'm doing nothing. Which is always, always, always a plus. I'm so proud of what I've been doing, I wish I could tell the professor. But I can't because somehow I don't think he'll be that happy about it. Oh well. For the first time in a long time I really do feel like I'm on the right track. 

Thank you to strive4perfection, Christina and loveylou for your lovely, lovely comments. You girls made my day! 

Sunday, January 22, 2012

vegan ventures. and breaking and entering

So today will be day one of my 2 week vegan venture. I've stocked up on fruits and vegetables and I'm ready to make a real effort. Not just eat everything carb and everything fried. I will be good and be proper healthy vegan. 

Today I ate a whole lot for dinner and it came to under 600cal. And this included a pan fried potato patty thing. So much for not having fried stuff. 

According to MyFitnessPal, if everyday is like today, I will weigh 50kg in 5 weeks...almost my next goal weight! And I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow so hopefully things will go a bit faster than that. 

I'm hoping that a vegan diet will help me lose weight. It must do. If all I eat is one meal a day and only vegetables, then surely I will lose weight in 2 weeks. If I can keep this up, then I will be vegan all the week and eat meat only on weekends. That surely must help the weight loss bid. I don't know if it will help the exercise bid though. I'm already anaemic enough to make a difference to my work outs. 

I think I'm deficient in things. I wish I could order lab tests on myself and find out. I'm fatigued all the time. I have a constant headache and I get short of breath quite easily. Ugh. If the headaches just went away, I'd feel better. I don't want to start taking pain killers though. Maybe I will start cutting to deal with it. That usually clears my mind. 

So I'm quietly optimistic about my weight loss efforts. 

On a different note, my flat got broken into. Nothing was taken. Probably because we had nothing that was worth anything. But we live in a complex where everyone is a doctor. It's a beautiful, expensive complex of fully furnished apartments in a really dodgy neighbourhood. So in a way it's a sitting target. 

That was quite scary though. I got a call from one of my colleagues and neighbours at midnight when I was out of town saying that my front door was wide open. He got together some of his guy friends and walked through my place and locked it. Now we are extra vigilant in making sure every window is closed. 

Not nice that the flat was broken into, whether anything was taken or not. In the past week and a half, most of the flats in our complex have been robbed. It freaks me out. 

What also freaks me out is that the professor is asking to see me again. I don't think I've lost any weight for him to notice, but compared to the last time he saw me, I'm much more disordered. Last time I was fresh from Singapore, happy from my holiday, happy about all the food I'd eaten. But this time I'll be vegan, scared shitless of food and desperately unhappy about my weight. 

Still, last time I put on quite the performance. So I can probably do it again. 

As always, thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. Your thoughts really mean a lot to me, and they were all so laudatory and supportive! You girls are the best!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.

It's 5am. The world is quiet but for the endless pounding in my head. I binged last night, bad enough to give myself nausea. There is so much food in my system that my body can't process it fast enough. 

I know that I must sleep. It's going to be Monday morning ward round soon and I need to be awake for that. But in my head I'm there already. Patient lists fly across my mind, what needs to be done for each one to make them stable enough to shove out the door. Clear hospital beds. I see now that's why I don't like medicine and I prefer surgery. 

When a frail elderly woman sits in front of me, unable to cope and full of problems, I cannot bring myself to force her out just because she is considered "medically stable". Just because some bureaucrats who haven't spent half an hour at a medical school want to shorten hospital stays and clear beds. They teach us the art of medicine is almost all compassion. "It is the physician's love that heals the patient." Then they teach us to ignore it. 

Patient lists, patient names, discharge summaries race before my eyes and in an instant I've already lived the upcoming week. Then in my head, I'm going home for the weekend, home to my parents and my dog, home to where things will be okay. So different from how I felt about home before, but I am so lonely. So lonely that all I want is mum's embrace. 

Slowly, slowly but surely I am losing weight. It's only about a pound a week, sometimes less. But with around 800cal a day, that's as fast as I can lose it. So much for cutting down calories, it's not possible. Not possible without it becoming vastly dangerous. 

Even as I am now, 1000cal today and hugely PMSing, I have a day long headache. I'm shaking. I'm losing focus, I'm forgetful. Then when I'm admitting patients, when I'm ordering tests, when I'm looking up results, everything is a haze. 

I'm so scared I'll miss those subtle signs, the subtle facial droop of an evolving stroke. The small difference between someone who has Alzheimer's and is talking rubbish and the one who is talking rubbish because they are psychotic, and the one who is talking rubbish because they are having a stroke and their brain connections are wrong. The chest pain of reflux and the chest pain of a heart attack. The myriad of tests to order for the elderly lady who keeps collapsing. I can't focus, I'm scared I will miss something, forget to order something, chart the wrong drug. If I do, someone will die. 

And so I fill myself up. I don't want to kill someone. But I refuse to eat enough. I'm going to the gym. I'm losing weight slowly but surely. Slowly, but it is enough for me to notice. Clothes are slightly looser, I'm buying tighter clothes. I'm going in the right direction. Safely. 

Safely, for the sake of my patients because they are the ones who give meaning to my life. But for now, I am sick, nauseated, bloated and miserable. Wanting to chuck it all in and just stay at home, starving myself and exercising. 

I want to. But I am a doctor first and foremost. And my patients come first and they should not have to pay for my incompetence and fatness. I can lose weight slowly, I will get there. But my patients come first. 

Monday, January 9, 2012

stick thin

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work I go. And work is work is work is work is work! Apart from feeling like I don't know jackshit about medicine, it's all going quite well. Medically. I won't bother you with the details of my clinical incompetence. 

The weight loss was also progressing. I got down to 121lbs last week. Still not quite as low as I was, but I'm at least losing the Singapore weight. It's very easy for me to not eat breakfast and lunch, however, all I want to do at dinner is binge. Maybe I will have to start spreading calories around. 

Bad news for today is that my team mates have started force feeding me. Today it was only a small apple, which isn't bad at all because I was planning to eat an apple anyway. But still, the registrar sat down and put it in front of me and said that she bought it for me and so I had to eat it. 

Then my house officer piped up and said that when she was a student, her team used to buy her lots of food and she gained weight. 

By the by: the hierarchy goes me (the student), house officer, registrar, consultant (the boss). And where I work, the doctors get free food so "buying" me food means spending some of their food allowance on me. 

The thing about all this is my house officer and registrar are both stick thin. And when I say stick thin, I mean STICK thin. They are SOOOOO thin. I feel that them forcing me to have food is a little bit hypocritical, although they both eat quite a fair amount of food. I think that when I start working, I might have lunch as my only meal so that people don't worry about me not eating at work. 

My calorie count for today is still below 600cal, and I'm about to go to the gym to take a class in muay thai boxing so that should burn off some calories. But I'm still unhappy about eating that apple and all the food that I had for dinner. The only good thing about this is that I can tell the professor that my team are force feeding me to make him worry even less. 

I hope to lose 2lbs this week. I don't have a scale here so I will weigh in on Friday and see how things went. Fingers crossed I'm losing weight again! 

Friday, January 6, 2012

...LIKE A BOSS!!!!!

Well girls! I've got some good news for you all! I'm so happy that I can tell you something nice for once. 

I have spent a lot of time worrying my ass off about what will happen when I see the professor. Last time I saw him he wanted to get me therapy for ED and for my cutting and depression. He wanted to monitor my weight to make sure I don't lose any more. He was so worried and I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to lose any more weight with him watching me. I was worried that if he was going to do all this and I did not comply, then I would not be able to keep my job and I was also scared he would report me to the medical council. 

I said that I would try to strike some sort of balance there and try to make him less worried and continue to lose weight without him worrying or wanting to monitor me. 


My skinny lovelies, your girl Judith Marie knows how to TURN IT ON when she needs to! Hell yeah! TRIUMPH IS MINE!!!!! I walked out of our encounter wanting to jump around and I drove through the rain really fast with my stereo on really loud....LIKE A BOSS!!! Celebrated by buying lots of too tight clothes that I will soon fit!!! 

When I saw the professor I totally turned it on. I was happy, cheerful, bubbly and really, really smiley. Since I only gained weight in Singapore, I didn't look any thinner and he was really, really pleased about that and seemed to think I'd turned a corner. He didn't ask about the cutting or depression or eating...I think he was really relieved by how I looked and acted that he didn't want to bring it up. 

If he had asked he'd have found out that I'm super upset about gaining weight in Singapore, that I've cut quite a few times since then, that I can't sleep because I'm always crying. And I'm more determined than ever to lose weight, especially with my qualification looming at the end of the year. 

But the point is, he didn't ask. I also told him about my flatmate, and how she's cooking lots and we're eating it. I made it sound like we were regular binging all the time. I didn't tell him my intake is around 800cal per day and I'm going to wean it down to 500cal then 300cal soon, introduce fasting days again and join the gym next week and go every day with my friend. 

God, I am so looking forward to progress again. Sammy, my love, you were so right in your advice to slowly wean down my calorie intake after the Great Singapore Binge of 2011. I really do crave food and it's really, really hard to do. 800cal might sound okay but I'm so suffering. I just want to binge all the time. But if I slowly decrease my intake, I should be back on track soon. 

I haven't felt this upbeat for a long time! Hiking my scales to my new home so that I can keep up to date all the time with my weight. I can't wait to work hard at work and work hard at my weight and get my life back on track. 

Can't wait to give you lovely girls posts with weight loss progress! Think skinny girls! 
With every bite, think: a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. 

We will thin and beautiful together!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

Christina, Domino, Jackie, be_thinspirational: you girls rock! Thank you for your lovely comments on my last post! So encouraging, you really made my day. 

Well I'm settled in to my new home and tomorrow is my first real day of work. It's going to be a shock to the system! I'm still jetlagged and I'm pretty darn sure I don't real a thing about general medicine. Some of my other colleagues who have already started in other cities have been thrown in the deep end so I'm really bracing myself for something quite harsh tomorrow. I think I will stay up and study lots. 

If I'm tired tomorrow, I can blame the jetlag. At least the studying will make me feel better, even if it doesn't actually make a difference. 

I binged again today. Well, it's a different sort of binge. There really isn't much food in the house and so each binge is quite small in comparison. I'm pretty sure I did about 800-1000cal today. It was all in one meal, so you know, big binge but all in all, not an absolutely disastrous intake. 

I'm struggling to recover from the Singapore binges so I'm counting today as progress. Hopefully by next week I will be able to start cutting down on my intake a bit more. I'm hoping to have a daily intake of maybe 300-500cal. This isn't hugely easy however. Somehow my flatmate and I have been sharing the cost of food. And so in some sort of deranged default setting, I've been eating half the food. 

I'm doing my vegan diet soon so that should hopefully put a stop to that! 

Do you remember me saying that moving out might be better for my mental health? Well, it's sort of been like one step forward, one step back. While I'm free from my parents, the prospect of facing them every weekend is a bit daunting. Also, my flatmate, who is one of my best friends, has come back from her summer in Africa changed. 

Very subtly so, but there is definitely a shift in her personality. I am totally and utterly guessing here, but I'd say that she fell in love with a guy in Africa. She's acting in a strange way, not quite her usual. And the things that she wants to do now are not what she would normally want to do. He calls her most nights and she texts him a lot. Considering that he's in Togo (somewhere in West Africa), the money that they are both burning through is amazing. Plus, she's paying him money to tutor children in Africa in order to supplement his income. 

The whole thing makes me feel very uncomfortable for some reason. Also, it makes me feel very lonely. She's normally so silly and fully of antics and keeps me entertained but now, this new her, it's just not the same. She's still a delight to flat with, but I feel much more lonely. Even though she is here, somehow it feels like she is in Africa with him. 

So now, I really feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. Also, I found out that 3 of my friends failed last year and are repeating it. This all makes me feel sad. Part of me can't wait to go back to see the professor. Part of me thinks that if I just hand all control over to him, everything will be okay. But all of me won't let me do that. 

Part of me wants to email him all this just so I don't feel so lonely. But I can't let myself do that either. I really didn't think I'd feel this alone. Even my parents would be welcome company right now. But in the words of Slipknot: If I'm alone I cannot hate. I don't deserve to have you. My smile was taken long ago, if I can change I hope I never know. 

Thank goodness I only have 2 days of work this week. I still haven't found a suitable gym. But I'm working on it. I already can't wait for the weekend because really, what happens this weekend is going to set the tone for how this year might progress. 

Monday, January 2, 2012

blood diamonds

Thank you to Zapfire, Jackie, Domino and Fiona for your comments on my last post. Thank you all for being so supportive of me, and for all your kind words. I appreciate them all and I love reading them. 

I look down at my finger and I see them sparkle like the sun on the sea. 3 dainty little diamonds sitting in a little platinum heart on a thin platinum band. I slide it off my pudgy finger. Such a beautiful thing deserves a more worthy bearer than me. Ungrateful little bitch. My ring cost more than any of the engagement rings of my married friends. I should be happy. Why aren't I happy? 

It means nothing to me. It symbolises the hollowness and ego boost that comes with any consumerist comfort. My father proudly paid for it but it makes me think of all the torment and all the tears and blood that I have spilt on his account. Blood diamonds, that's what they are. Tiffany&Co hearts might be a symbol of love but I don't feel loved at all. It's all a bit too little, too late. 

In a strange way it is better than any cut I could ever make on my body. It's a tauntingly, hauntingly beautiful reminder that I am not enough, that I am not worthy, that I am not beautiful. 

This house holds no sentiment for me. No place ever has. It's just a roof to sleep under, shared with people who all want something from me. It's all I've ever known. I do not feel safe here. I do not feel loved here. I do not feel I belong here. 

I used to want to make it work. I wanted to feel what every child should feel from their parents. I want to be loved unconditionally. Loved for all my faults and all my deficiencies. I used to want a happily ever after. I wanted a fresh start. To go back to zero and forget all the hurt and start new and be a proper family. 

That's not possible. They would never understand. They aren't capable of giving me what I want and what I need. The only option is to go. 

Some people tell me that the professor cares about me. If this is what it feels like to be cared for then it is nothing short of absolutely terrifying. I was hoping he'd forget all that I said to him. I was hoping to let it slide on by into the cold depths of my memory where I would file it under "near misses". But he wants to see me this weekend and I don't know what to do. I don't really have a choice. All I can try to do is damage control. 

Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Opening up is not easy and I don't want to do it. I have been so judged and held up to ridicule for being Asian and for being fat, for things that aren't exactly bad per se that I can't even imagine what evil I will be exposed to if I confess to what I have been doing. I might be kicked out of medical school. I might be told to take a year off and sort my shit out. 

She's got a ticket to ride and she don't care. I'll be humming this as I wait for my train if that is what it comes to. I don't care about doing something good and leaving behind reasons to be missed. I don't want people to miss me. I don't want people to remember me. Ideally, everyone would just get on with their lives and if I'm lucky enough I will be scattered into the ocean that I love so much. 

But the professor doesn't know any of this. If he did, I'd probably be under psychiatric hold right now. 

Perk up fat bitch. Perk up and say that you are okay. That things will work out this year. Happy and healthy, that's what you are, tell him that's what you are. 

He keeps telling me, in every email, that he wishes me a happy and healthy 2012. It's a very deliberate thing. Happy and healthy, two things that he definitely doesn't think I am. Is it possible to suddenly become happy and healthy in a week? Can I even negotiate new terms? I have a feeling this matter is a very non-negotiable one to him. 

But how will he check up on me? Seeing me once a week isn't going to stop me losing weight. I dare not imagine what threats he might make to force me into compliance. 

This wonderful little world of control that I've meticulously built for myself is crumbling. The professor is blowing away my castle in the clouds. I don't want to let go. 

What am I afraid of? Is it losing my job? Is it the professor? Is it gaining weight? Or is it simply the uncertainty. 

List of things to do this week:
Move out of home to my new city where I will be training this year.
Join the gym. 
Start a new diet and exercise plan. 
Lose some freaking weight! 
See the professor. 

I wish you lovely ladies all a wonderful 2012. I hope it is everything that you want it to be and more. In the words of the professor, full of happiness and health. I love you all.