Friday, September 30, 2011

eating disorder bracelets and thoughts

"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

And I open with one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite authors. I'm not sure if that is the correct way of describing The Bard, but whatever, you get the point, big props to that guy.

Sorry for the absence, it's exam season and this hell pit will be over in just over 3 weeks and so in 3 weeks time my usual posts and weight loss attempts with reinstate themselves in this blog. Meanwhile I'm in a rather contemplative mood and since I've given up dieting for exam season and made studying my number one priority a few things have happened:

1. I've gained 5 pounds because, as it turns out, I will cook and eat as a form of procrastination and also as a way of coping with stress.
2. Because of the weight gain and stress I'm more and more tempted by self harm again.
3. It's now almost summer and once again my arm is not the most ideal location even though I like it the most.
4. I have discovered the art of scarification and am seriously considering it
5. Faced with these exams I'm coming to the realisation that I will be released into the workforce soon and am thinking about my future.

And I guess in saying all that, I'm trying to say that I'm evolving somewhat as a person. And I'm thinking more and more about why I want to be thin and what I'm willing to do and to sacrifice to be thin. I'm thinking about where my future is headed and that is intrinsically linked with my weight and my self harming. I was reading something online recently about the eating disorder bracelets and I'm out to make myself some.

Pink=EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified)
Black or Orange=Self Harm
If white is added to any of the colours it signifies recovery.

For me, I am making myself a pink and black bracelet. Or a pink bracelet and a black one, haven't decided yet. Pink for EDNOS as I do not fulfill full criteria for Ana or Mia but certainly have features of some sort of eating disorder. And black for self harm, because I don't like the colour orange.

I've come a long way since the time this blog started. I'm much more secure in my identity as someone with an eating disorder and self harmer. I'm almost proud of it. It's a part of me that will never go away. I will never feel thin enough, I will always feel some urge to cut myself. And I've noticed it's not just cutting myself, I will scratch my legs until they bleed and pick at scabs, especially ones around my ankles (from all the high heels!) and I will dig my fingernails into myself. It's so much a part of who I am. And I don't want those parts of me to go away. They set me apart from other people, they give me a sense of identity. In a strange way, they provide me with a safe sort of happiness, a sort of happiness that I know I can have if I lose weight or hurt myself. It's a guarded happiness that I can give myself at any time, independent of all other aspects of my life.

It's something that someone who has never dabbled in self harm or an eating disorder could possibly understand. I realise that to a "normal" person, these things probably seem totally ludicrous, yet here I am saying that they are almost integral to my existence. I don't know if I was born to this fate or if I have simply passed a point of no return. I don't know how others would react if they found out about this aspect of my life; would they reject me, would they show disgust, would they feel pity or would they understand?

Someone I respect very much once told me that there are two things are the root of all things: love and fear. And how right she is. I can hark on and on about my life but the be all and end all is that I want to end my life because I cannot feel love. If I am to look at things objectively, even I will admit that I am treated extremely well by almost everyone in my life. My family and friends clearly care about me a great deal, as do TS and J and SPM and other colleagues, I am sure. And where the professor comes in, well, for all my fear and all the insecurities, the fact remains that everyone I know tells me that he likes me, treats me better than any student and he has told me himself that he doesn't treat me like a student. Yet for some reason, despite the lunches and coffees and pet names, I cannot get it into my head that he feels anything but disdain for me.

There are moments when the care that these people exhibit is so great that it is enough to confuse my brain. When all logic and all reason and every cue is telling me that this person loves me, and the feeling is so strong that it makes parts of me scream, absolutely scream, hoping that maybe this time I will believe it. And those parts of me do believe it, but there is always something there, some sneering voice that tells me it's all a lie. And these are the parts of me that can dissect the situation and turn everything around. The abnormal gestures of love become normalised into mannerisms and habit and no more meaningful than a hello an acquaintance might mutter in passing. Or worse it becomes pity, or a gesture made to please someone else. Why can't I just believe it?

God knows I would be so very happy if I could just take things at face value. Is that why I always present myself as painfully honest and blunt? I would hate for someone to be confused about how I feel about them. I try to make it very clear.

And now I see that I will never get what I want. Nothing will ever be enough. Love is not enough. Because I have love, I have a vast abundance of love, I have love from people who do not dish it out freely, if at all, to others. I think this is what I want to control. So many people say that eating disorders stem from a need for control. And I've always thought that this didn't apply to me because well, my life is in control. But now I see, this is where my life is chaotic. I am constantly bombarded by the affection of people and yet I can't interpret it correctly.

I don't particularly care about the motivations to be honest. It's just a bit interesting is all. For the moment, in my mind, if I am thin then I will feel loved. If I am fat then I am totally unworthy of it. That's all I need to know.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

stomach flu and jeans

The problem with trying to describe what size I am is that NZ sizing is a wee bit different from the rest of the world... here is what the mighty internet had to say about what NZ sizes correspond to:

NZ sizing roughly corresponds to UK sizing, so a NZ10 is a UK10, US8 and EU36.
Recently I've been a size 6 or size 8 NZ, depending on brand.

Today, I squeezed myself into a pair of size 6 jeans. NEVER in my life did I think I could fit into size 6 jeans. But I guess that fits with US4 which is the size of clothes I get online. It makes me feel a bit sad because there was one crazy period of my life when I thought that I was a US0 because my measurements fit with some ones I read online.

But mind you, when I say that I squeezed myself into that pair of jeans, I mean SQUEEZED. I was sort of falling around my room struggling to button it up but once I managed it, well, things didn't really improve. I can walk in them, but sitting isn't the most comfortable thing in the world.

As you can probably tell, I went to get some trial clothes today. I've always had this pair of trial pants, they are made of pink canvas and are beautiful but strangely, they zip up at the back, right over the bum crack. And this zip, it doesn't work very well at all. For the longest time ever I thought that I couldn't zip them up because I was too fat but recently it has become very apparent that the pants fit me very well, I just couldn't do the zip up because the zip just doesn't go up anyway.

So I bought my size 6 jeans today and a singlet as trial clothes. They do fit, as in, I can squeeze into them but they don't look good. I think another 10lbs or so and they should fit nicely. So I should be able to fit them reasonable soon so as to not make me lose motivation. Looking forward to looking thin in those jeans!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

rules and regulations

Since I'm about to enter exam season (well, technically I already am in exam season but I'm also procrastinating desperately) and I know that this is when I put on lots of weight because I tend to cook and eat as procrastination. So I'm going to set up some rules for myself to follow through this period of time, and hopefully carry it onwards. I will only allow myself to break these rules under one condition and that is if I am ever eating with the professor in which case I will eat as much as I can or he will kick my ass. And when I say "kick my ass" I mean "fire my ass".

Here are the rules I can think of. Please, please comment with any tricks that you might use and find really useful. I'm willing to take absolutely everything on board to reach my ultimate goal weight.

1. No eating after 5pm
2. No carbs
3. No junk food, no fried food
4. 2 glasses of water/coke zero with every meal
5. No sugar in coffee
6. Never eat until I feel full, only eat until I'm 50% full max and fill the rest up with water
7. No purging. I know that purging will fix a lot of my problems, but it will be damn hard to hide in a flat full of friends.
8. Only eat out when it is unavoidable
9. No more than 300cal per day but if I must, then I will exercise off all the estimated excess
10. Whenever I feel tempted to eat, I will subtract 7 from 100 and keep going and then ask Ana if I need it. The answer is always no.
11. Getting to my goal weight is most important
12. I will carry the size of my new stomach everywhere. If I am going to eat in an uncontrolled environment eg. not at home, I will hold onto the capsule to remind myself of how big my stomach actually is

Sunday, September 11, 2011

everyday in every way...

...I'm getting smaller and smaller.

That is a picture I took of myself. Granted, I'm lying down in a bit of a weird position but it just goes to show that if I contort myself a bit, I can see my hip bones!!!

But of course, there are always problems and even from that weird view you can see that I have a fair bit of tummy fat that still has yet to go. I want that to be a lovely dip, I don't want anything to stick up at all. Still, trying to be positive, I have to say that it is progress and that I will take what I can get. It's a start and now I can sort of feel that I can do this.

I think I've reached a stage where every time I stumble, whether it be with my weight loss or with my training, it makes me more and more determined to do better, if only to prove other people wrong.

I've planned my meals for the week, packed them all into little containers, I know that each one contains 45calories worth of baby spinach and tuna. Add to that one 45cal mandarin and allowing myself 200cal for drinks (most of that is the milk in my coffee) and that makes for a successful day. I do try to over-estimate as much as I can so that I never run the risk of underestimating how much I eat.

This is what it looks like, cut up into many little pieces, which seriously, seriously slows down how fast I eat and how much I eat.

I weigh in at 122.5lbs today. Half a pound up from last week, but I'll take it. I'm rather surprised I haven't gained more weight to be honest but I'm not going to argue that point. My goal this week is to get under 120lbs, and I haven't been under that much for a very long time. I find it easier to set myself these little goals.

I still don't understand how I lost so much weight so quickly. Given that one pound is 3500cal, I'm sure I'm not undereating by that much, and I'm surely not exercising at all...I don't know. We shall see what happens this week. last week might have been just lucky.

P.S. Let me just say that I totally love it when you guys are so supportive of me! Love your comments!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

a new stomach

I was watching a show today called "Embarrassing Fat Bodies" and it's all guessed it...embarrassing fat bodies. Great reverse thinspo by the way.

One of the women on the show underwent hypnosis to trick her into believing she'd had a gastric band even though she hadn't. Part of the procedure was the therapist putting a golf ball into her hand and saying, this is the size of your new stomach and this gave me an idea.

The photo there shows me holding up a little container. It's one of the capsules inside Kinder Surprise that holds the toy. I've decided that I am going to carry this with me at all times and when I eat, I will hold it and tell myself that it is the size of my new stomach.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to fast mostly, but when I do feel the urge to eat, I will only eat what can fit inside that capsule and that will be the limit of what I eat. That way, even if I am a total lose and eat 6 times a day, I will only eat a tiny amount.

After the surprise huge weight loss of last week, I am so very nervous about not being able to keep it up next week. I'm not asking for another 7lbs, that would really be too good to be true, I'm asking for 2 or 3lbs.

I can't wait to be 100lbs. I think that being thin, and actually feeling thin must be the best feeling in the world. To feel so light and free, what wouldn't I give to feel that.

I'm starting to have a real issue with food. Normally, I think about restricting all day and I might feel guilty about eating but when I am eating, I am enjoying it. Now, today, when I ate, all I could think was carbs carbs carbs, fat fat fat fat ugly cow. I can't really look at food, it all looks bad. I went out with a good friend of mine today to get a coffee and we had doughnuts, our favourite ones at this cute little cafe. I normally wouldn't think twice about eating a doughnut or two plus something savoury, but today, I got partway through my doughnut and felt so bad I was actually about to sick it all up. But she's a psychologist and I wasn't about to risk doing something like that in front of her so I just stopped eating. I said I was feeling a bit sick and didn't finish my doughnut. Which is something new for me. I never used to leave food unfinished.

With these new methods, I hope to keep losing weight next week and reach 100lbs as fast as I can!

Thursday, September 8, 2011


Well it's the small victories that keep us all going. I'm home now and I have checked on my home scales, yup, I've lost almost 3kg this week! I'm frankly amazed. I hope I can lose another 3kg next week, I'll be close to my goal weight soon!

I started cutting my food into little pieces today. I never thought it would make me eat less, I thought it was just a symptom of anorexia. But I thought I'd give it a go and I must say, I totally see how it works. I had 3 chicken nuggets and a piece of turnip on my plate and I spent about half an hour cutting it all up. By that time, it looked so unappetizing that I only ate a few little pieces and chucked the rest out. And for some reason, it is so hard to eat when I'm only eating one tiny piece at a time. It made me want to throw up afterwards which was hard because I swore blind I would never purge and only restrict. I have never hated eating more in my life.

But on the downside, my father has told me that he thinks I should weigh 100lbs. He's always thought that I am too fat. Even though I know he's always thought I am too fat and that I need to lose weight or I will never be able to attract a man, I never thought he'd actually tell me how much I should weigh. It affects me in a way that I can't quite explain. Like, now I totally have no hope.

This may sound stupid, but I always thought that I might on day feel pretty and loved and wanted. I always hoped that once I was skinny enough, I would be able to feel those things. But knowing that my own father thinks I should weigh 100lbs, and knowing my dad, I know he thinks 100lbs is the maximum amount I should weigh, it just feels like that little spark of hope in me has died.

Let me explain it this way: if my father, who is the one man on this earth who is actually obligated to love me and is supposed to be the one man who loves and cares about me the most thinks that I will be just acceptable at 100lbs, then when I'm 100lbs I might be acceptable to him, but still far from acceptable to anyone else. This means that when I am 100lbs, I will still be fat and ugly and frankly, I can't see an end to this. There may not be a weight where I am beautiful and lovable. But I refuse to be fat. I've said before that I can't do anything about my ugliness but I sure as hell can do something about my weight.

I'm going to be thin or die trying.

Here is how I want to look:

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

the voice within

Hi everyone, just to start this post off with a little note to say that I will be posting some THINSPIRATION this weekend when I have more time to sort out the hundreds of photos that I have. Nothing like a little bit of pick me up to keep up the motivation levels.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't understand weight loss at all, no matter how much I try to understand the science behind it. Last night I had a REALLY BIG MEAL. And all week I've been eating between 300-500cal per day. But last night's meal was seriously huge, it was a binge, there is no other word for it, and yet, when I weighed myself this morning, I'd lost another pound.

So all in all, I've lost 7lbs in 4 days, how is that even possible! I'm so shocked that I've lost so much so quickly that I don't really believe it. I feel like there must be something wrong with my scales. These are the new scales that weighed me in at 129lbs (58kg) on Sunday and now weigh me in at 122lbs (55.3kg) today.

I'm going to need to check this with my other set of scales at home when I go back tomorrow. They weighed me in at 56kg on Sunday so I'm going to see what that one says. Hopefully it reads 53kg to confirm that yes, I have lost quite a bit of weight. My worst fear is that I'm going to step on it and it won't budge at all and say that I've not lost any weight because then all this hope and happiness will be for nothing.

I just can't quite believe the numbers, I don't look or feel any thinner.

There is something about the voice within that comes back to bite me. Last night I was really, really happy. I was actually feeling less dizzy after eating so I felt better physically, I had just found out that Bristol Uni has said that yes, I can go there to do my elective in ophthalmology next year so I was REALLY excited! I don't really know what Bristol Uni means to any of you reading, but to a girl from New Zealand, it means a hell of a lot! To study overseas for 2 months is just amazing. I was also riding some sort of high from the 6lbs I'd lost up till that point. I was so happy. So happy that while I was lying in bed, I couldn't sleep.

I'm lying there, thinking about completing the application and being accepted and telling TS and thanking the professor for suggesting I apply there. Then suddenly, the voice starts talking again and all it says is "fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat..." and it doesn't take long for me to dissolve into a ball of tears on my bed.

There is something about that voice that keeps popping up and telling me things and I have to believe it, because if I can't believe the voice within, then I can't believe anything at all. But as well as I have done this week, I am still a fat pig and I have a long, long way to go.

Thank you for the comments and encouragement. You guys to read this and comment are those who remind me that I am not alone in this and that you understand me and keep me going when life isn't going according to plan. So thank you and thank you again!

Monday, September 5, 2011

the impossibility of plausibility

I don't even know if the title of this post makes sense. What I'm trying to express is that nothing is really making sense to me right now.

2 days into this diet, which by the way, turns out to not be a liquid fast, it's my favourite 300cal a day thing.

And so far it is working unbelievably well. I've lost 5lbs in 3 days. I don't think that's even possible but it's the same scale that I'm using.

I shall not complain and just be amazed that I could maybe lose that much so quickly.

Sunday, September 4, 2011


This will be one of those rare times when I try to organise the disorganised thoughts in my head that are causing me much grief because I can't understand what I am trying to think. I like to think that I have always been honest on this blog, and this blog (whether anyone reads it or not) has helped me a lot. Just posting on here makes me feel like I'm reaching out to a group of people who understand me and won't reject me and don't judge me.

Whenever somebody comments I feel so supported in what I am doing, and that was a feeling that I had never experienced prior to starting this blog.

Posting here helps me organise my thoughts and it has helped me come to some conclusions that I'm not sure I would've come to if I were just left to stew in my room.

Something that came to me today was what my motivations were exactly. I think somebody asked me that a few days ago and I've been thinking about it since then. I've also recently had it pointed out to me that if some people were to find out about what I am trying to do, or indeed, read this blog, I would be in some serious trouble. TS and the professor I'm sure would kick my ass.

But if I am risking losing the people in the world who mean the most to me, then what is it exactly that drives me to do what I am doing? And what am I shooting for? Because surely being thin by itself is not enough to compensate for losing just one of those people, let alone all of them?

When I look back at my life to date, I can pinpoint the moments that shaped who I am today. I remember every moment of intermediate school when I was teased every day for being a loser and rejected for being fat and never hung out with the cool kids.

But I was accepting of that. I was friends with the more eclectic kids in school and we had a small but nice posse. Then my best friend at the time, who I thought was perfect, but who I later realised was nothing but a whore and a loser, was always ditching me for other girls. So I learnt that these other girls were better and tried to emulate them.

To this day I have failed at that. I have never been the pretty one. I have never had a boyfriend, or even a guy who was interested in me. I am not sporty. I am not thin.

I remember the day my dad told me I was fat and ugly and unattractive and that no man would ever want me. I relive that moment every day. Every hour of every day at the very least. I think this moment sealed my fate a bit. If my dad thought so, then it must be true. Even though I know that this lacks all logic and is completely irrational, it is what I believe. If my own father can't love me and finds me fat and ugly, then how can any man think any differently?

And I would be totally set in this, but this year, people have started challenging that and it's thrown my whole world into turmoil. The very foundations of my psyche are being questioned by people who I adore, and not just questioned, but completely disregarded. I am no longer sure what is real. It's an odd sort of feeling, because on some level I hold onto that so deeply, and I can't possibly bring myself to believe anything else, but these people, dear TS and prof and SPM and J, people who I adore, people who have become my fictional family, I can neither disregard what they are saying, nor can I believe it and all I can do is let their comments hang in limbo and cling onto them in little spurts of hope only to crush them myself by conjuring up the voices of my past that have dominated my life to date.

What is it about losing weight and being thin that holds so much value?

It's almost as if I'm on autopilot. I don't know anything different. I have never not tried to lose weight, so I don't know how to stop trying to lose weight. It's programmed into me, this is what I must do. My fat ugly self is the common denominator in all the areas of my life in which I've failed, so to my mind, if I can fix that, then I will be better.

There is nothing I can do about being ugly. Even if I got facial reconstructive plastic surgery, I don't think I would emerge as a beauty. I was born ugly, and ugly I will stay. But I can do something about the fat. And it's become the thing that I've thrown all my attention on. When I was younger and still held the hope that I might one day get a boyfriend the one thing that held me back was that a guy would reject me on the basis of my weight so I never really ventured there.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry about that. At the time I was 12 and I promised myself I would not date until I was 16. I'm now nearly 22. I don't know whether ten years ago, I would've believed that ten years on, I would still very much be alone.

The father who couldn't show love coupled with the mother who had no time.

Mum, you spent so much time overseas. I know it wasn't your fault, it was your job and you had to do it to earn the money that fed and clothed me. But it wasn't very nice, growing up without you. Sometimes I really needed you to talk to. But you were either halfway round the world or so busy you didn't even have time to sleep. So I learnt to be lonely and I learnt to grow up without you. It also wasn't nice to grow up without you and with a dad who taught me that I am worthless. Sometimes all I wanted was to have you hold me and tell me that I was okay and that I wasn't ugly and fat and worthless but you were never there. Where were you?
Even if you were free, I didn't want to disturb the one hour of TV that you watched each week. You work so hard that you deserve a break. But why was it that you never had time for me? Even when I was so distressed and actually asked if I could talk to you, why was it that watching TV was more important? Why was I always waiting?
I miss you so much Mum, even when we are sitting in the same room, I miss you. You are never where I am. You never have time, in a way you are worse than dad, you don't even exist. You're the brilliant story that everyone talks about but I can't read.

Maybe that's why I play those stupid iPhone games and watch endless videos online. Because both those things are so effectively numbing that I don't feel any of the pain I normally do.

Maybe that's why I feel so attached to the professor, because even though he is ten times busier than mum, he noticed how distressed I was and offered help. Not that I would ever take it, but I don't think I'll ever forget what he said to me, that I can talk to him whenever I want to and that whatever I say will be confidential and that he's not just my boss, he will always be there for me as a doctor.

I do admit that the "doctor" part annoys me, because of course, I'd have loved it if he had said, "as a father". But he is already very careful around me. He is nice enough to me for there to potentially be other people who find it suspicious and it would be the end of the world if he got in trouble because of me. But that just meant so much to me, it is one of the only times in my life when I feel like somebody actually cared. Cared enough to notice, even when I didn't say anything.

Cared enough to actually dig a bit deeper. To ask, "how are you" and then ask, "yes, but are you well" when I answer "fine thanks". I'm sure the professor is like that to everyone, but nobody but the professor is like that to me.

But given all that, I would risk all that to be thin. Because being thin is the one thing that offers me a glimmer of hope of being loved. If I'm fat, I am unlovable. Of course I will risk anything to be eligible for love. Who wouldn't.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

hunger point 29lbs in 7 weeks

Have you ever watched a movie called "Hunger Point"?

It's one of the saddest things I've ever watched. And so true. It's odd in the way that it shows what happens to those who are left behind. It's made me think about a lot of things. There are some things that I've never thought about before. I can't honestly say that I've ever contemplated what happens to those who are left behind. I can't say that I've ever really contemplated actually dying from anorexia even though I know it happens to 10% of anorexics.

[Does anyone even read this? I put quite some effort into these posts...I have been trying to write this particular post for 3 days now and I have rewritten it soooo many times because the words just aren't coming and I'm trying to put a feeling into coherent words. That being said, I'm probably usually incoherent.]

Let me start with some concrete stuff.

I bought myself a new scale today. I've decided that this is the scale with which I will always measure myself and gauge my weight loss. As of today I am 58kg or 129lbs so I am disgustingly fat.

I want to be at 100lbs by the start of the summer. I traditionally lose weight over the summer so maybe I can get down to 90lbs? Not sure since Christmas will probably hinder that considerably.

29lbs in 7 weeks, or 49lbs. So I need to lose 0.6lbs per day in order to keep that up. I don't even know if that's possible. That's more than 4lbs a week, I don't think I've ever lost weight that fast before. But all I can do is try. I'm starting a liquid fast now. I'm going to go for 5 days because I have to go home in the weekend and I will have to eat something, so I will have to break my fast. But maybe if I step up the exercise in the weekend I can compensate for that.

I'm sick and tired of not shifting any weight at all. And having it very slowly creeping up. I can feel the fat depositing on my body and it makes me sad and ashamed. But at least I know it's wrong and now with my new scale I'm going to keep a good eye on it and stop and reverse what I've done.

I think the last time I weighed 100lbs was when I was 11 years old, so yeah, that will be a nice weight to get back to. I can't wait to know what it feels like to be 100lbs, it's so far away that I can't even imagine it. It's a sort of thinness that I can't even dream of because I don't feel like I can ever achieve it.

But of all my achievements, nothing measures up to losing weight. Nothing compares to the feeling of stepping on a scale and finding out that I've lost weight. There is no greater high than having someone tell me that I look thinner and that I've lost weight. Nothing feels as nice as a man putting his hand on my back and feeling that the length of his hand is the same as how wide my waist is. There is something so safe and secure in that feeling. I think that anybody else would argue that I have lots of achievements to be proud of but none of them can measure up to this one, this is the one that I want the most.

I want a gap between my thighs, I have wanted on as long as I can remember. I want to be able to see my hip bones stick out. I want to be able to see my spine in the mirror. Nothing looks as beautiful as that.

By that same token, nothing feels as bad as being fat. I stand in front of the mirror every day and tell myself how disgusting I am. I love clothes and everything looks shit on me. All I can see are lumps of fat and areas of my body that are covered in fat and are hideous and should be hidden. The worst feeling is that I know this fat is holding me back from my real potential. It's holding me back from doing all the things I want to do, it's holding me back from people liking me, it's holding me back from being a good person in general. How can I be what I want to be when I'm covered in fat?

No, it's not even that. Everything I want to be, I already am, but it's hidden under a layer of fat. I'm trying to uncover myself so that people can see I'm not worthless and useless and stupid. Maybe once I'm thin I'll be able to see what some people can already see in me. Maybe then I'll be happy. Even if I'm not, at least I'll be thin, which will be one step better than what I am right now.

So there is the plan. Maybe I will just fast for 5 days a week for the next 7 weeks. I'll see how it goes. I might even give the dreaded ABC diet a go. Seeing as many people have found great success on this diet, it might be worth another go.

There is totally something else that I want to say but as I have failed for many days to put it into words, I don't exactly hold any hope I might be able to do it now. No doubt it will come to me in the dead of the night.