Monday, June 20, 2011

the need to be thin

What is it that drives my need to be thin? It's something that I sometimes struggle to answer myself. But now as I sit here with my stomach cramping from not eating all day, staring at my bowl of pad thai and wishing to not take another bite but also wishing to eat it all without needing to worry. It's a very odd place to be, and I'm sure I don't like it. I wish that I could never have another stomach cramp and that I could not be tempted by any food. I wish that I could just get by without any food at all and that I could have the pounds just melt off me. I hate having fat on me.

Yes I know that lots of people tell me that women should have curves. The problem is, I don't like curves. I don't want to be sexy, I want to be thin. I don't want to look womanly and desirable to men, I don't want any of that stuff that girls are supposed to want. I want to look thin. I don't know why this is so important to me but the fact of the matter is that at every moment of every day, whether I'm awake of dreaming, all I can think about is being thinner. It's always there, at the back of my mind and every time I see a thin woman I die inside of jealousy. I just want to crawl into a corner of shame and despair because I am not that thin. I envy the women who are naturally that thin, I really do.

But with all the stomach cramps and all the light headedness and the fatigue and the headaches and the muscle spasms, I am getting thinner. Thinner and weaker, but sure enough I am getting smaller. It's hard to describe why I would feel that this is a worthy trade off. But the rush I get from people telling me that I look thinner is second to none.

And as I look down at my pad thai now and realise that I've eaten 2/3 of it, I feel sick to my stomach. I still have stomach cramps but all I want to do now is to vomit it all back up again. I wish I hadn't eaten. I wish I could've sipped on 10 calorie soup and just ride out the pain. I am disappointed that I've eaten but at the same time I know that I needed it. All rational thinking has disappeared in me. This has almost become my one and only, second only to work and at time I'm not even sure if it is second to work.

Sometimes it's hard to face my own weight loss. To me it's never enough. While I still have fat on my body I want to lose weight. I hate the fact that when I bend over or sit my stomach pouches out. I hate that I can grab handfuls of fat around my body. I hate that I can't get my hands around my waist. I hate that I have to stretch up to see my ribs. I hate that I have to lie in a certain position to feel my hip bones. I hate that I can't see my spinous processes. All these things should be visible as is. And right now, none of them are. While I have made progress, I am still painfully far away from having all these things and I am deadly jealous of all women who have it naturally.

I am trying so very hard to get what I feel is the perfect body and I feel like I'm going nowhere. I have wanted a gap between my things all my life and time and time again it feels like I get so close but just out of reach and then I gain weight again. I can't express what I wouldn't give for that gap. I would give up holidays for the next few years, holidays and weekends and work on call nights all the time. Actually if I worked that hard and didn't get I'd probably get that gap.

It's also hard trying to lose weight over the winter. Actually, since the weather got colder my weight loss has all but vanished. If I could continue at the rate at which I lost it over the summer I would be very close to my goal weight by the end of winter. But it's not to be. But for the present time I am happy to not be gaining weight. For as long as I can remember I've gained weight over the winter and failed to lose it that summer so I'm pleased about the not gaining part. Mind you, winter has just begun so I've got to keep this up for a long time yet. Or at least hope to lose some weight.

Lots of people don't understand why I'm doing this. They said I looked fine before and yet compliment me when I've lost weight. So obviously I didn't look fine before if I'm looking now that I'm thinner. It's hard to know what people really think these days. I'm convinced that they lie to me to keep me feeling good about the way I look when in reality they think I could do with losing a few more pounds.

Friday, June 10, 2011

size 0

Size 0 is the dream right? I don't live in the US so I very rarely see size 0 only any tags and so I don't know how small or large a size 0 is. I think I really need to see more size 0 clothes before I can make any judgements but today I found a pair of size 0 banana republic pants in an op shop. Given that they are stretchy fabric and a little tight on me, I fit them!!!

I really don't think a size 0 can be that big. But it is still a huge ego boost to fit into a size 0. Right now I am dying to get my hands on more size 0 clothes and use them as trial clothes and motivation to get down to that size. I can't be a size 0 right now, I'm much too fat. I think those pants were some sort of anomaly. But I do want to be a size 0. I will be a size 0!!! But I need to know what a size 0 is first!!!!!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

fat and ugly

Fat and ugly.
Fat and ugly.
Fat and ugly.
Fat and ugly.
Fat and ugly.

So I was totally full of it a few weeks ago when I was all like, I wanna be at 49kg before I start my job with Prof. That job started a week ago. Then I was all like, if I fail that, I want to be 52kg when I start and then 49kg by the end of it. Well at the start of last week I was 53.5kg. So yup. EPIC FAIL.

And I am still fat and ugly. I don't even know what to think. I've failed so hard it disgusts me. I do try to keep optimistic about things because I know that when I get stressed I tend to eat lots and I know that being stressed leads to weight retention as well. It's not easy finding the silver lining in this situation. I guess I've got to try to hold onto the fact that I am shifting weight again and so I can lose more, even if I'm not losing as much as I'd like to.

I'm also aware that I'm approaching my lowest ever weight which is 52kg. Another reason I'm looking forward to this is because last time I weighed 52kg, there was a small gap between my thighs. I don't have a gap between my thighs right now, but I can feel that I'm close because right now my thighs are just touching, there is no disgusting roll of fat squashed up there, they just sort of touch. So another 1.5kg weight loss should definitely give me some sort of gap there, no matter how thin the gap is, I'll take it. We all have to start somewhere after all.

Maybe once I get a gap between my thighs I'll be motivated to lose weight faster. I don't know if it's possible for me to lose around 5kg in 3 weeks. It doesn't sound like much but given the trouble I've had lately I don't have much confidence. I think I need to start working out to shift the weight but I'm a bit dubious about that. One reason is because working out isn't part of my normal routine and I'm very much a creature of habit. Another reason is that I'm scared that once I work out I will have a bigger appetite and I will only lose weight if I don't eat any more and start burning more calories so I've got to make sure I can control my cravings.

Still, I am having to face the fact that at some point in time working out will have to become part of daily routine if I'm going to get thinner.

Right now, living at home makes it hard to fast. I have to eat dinner, although I'm thinking of ways to come home late this coming week so I can skip dinner too and like, proper liquid fast. If only for a few days. Then, after this when I move to yet another city for 6 weeks I will do some serious liquid fasting and hopefully just drop the weight. I want to be able to wear a pair of pants and still have an obvious gap between my thighs. When I get there, I will post a picture of myself on here, because that is definitely something to be proud of.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

measures of success

For over a month now I've been thinking that I haven't lost any weight. Because the scales have barely shifted and yet I feel like I've been getting smaller. And I've been getting progressively confused.

Then I remembered that a while ago I took some measurements of myself for comparison later. They were taken on 20th April so just under a month and a half ago. Those measurements were 87-73-88 (all in centimetres) and now I remeasured myself and I'm now 81-65-81cm.

A size 0 is 76-56-81 just to give some perspective. So I'm getting closer, only problem is I'm quite rectangular in shape and I don't really have a waist so I don't know if my waist will ever be that small.

It's nice to know that even though the scales haven't moved much, I am getting smaller. I'm starting to see my abs a bit clearer so I'm going to work out more in hopes that that will melt the fat a bit more. I'm going for lose the fat first then I can work on losing the muscle.


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

an interrogation. (and the best feeling in the world)

The best feeling in the world is when someone notices the weight loss. I really can't think of anything better. I love it when someone says that they think I've lost weight, or better, that I've lost a lot of weight. I experienced this the other day at work. Prof CNM said to me that he noticed I'd lost weight, and quite a lot of weight at that. At this point my heart is pounding and pounding and leaping out of my chest. I'm already getting the adrenalin rush from someone noticing my weight loss.

What's more, he's really concerned about it. He says that one in four women that he knows are anorexic and tells me to be careful because it's so easy for young women to tip into anorexia.

Now, I should say that I don't think I'm anorexic. I still eat quite a lot, albeit one meal a day. It feels like too much. I also don't exercise. I think that for me to be anorexic, I would have to eat no meals a day and exercise extensively. Mind you, I don't really remember the criteria for anorexia anymore, I should look it up in the DSM-IV but I can't be bothered. What I'm saying is that I don't think I'm anorexic. I probably have body image issues but not anorexia. I may yet develop it, I hope I do so that I lose more weight.

I don't know if that's denial right there or if I'm talking sense. At any rate, he was asking me how much weight I'd lost and why I was losing weight. He said that I didn't need to lose weight, that I shouldn't lose any more. He said that when he met me over the summer, I looked fine then and that's when I was 10kg heavier. I came home and looked at myself in the full length mirror and I still look very fat so I don't really understand what he's going on about. For about half a day (between the time we had this talk and when I looked in the mirror) I walked around thinking that some great miracle might have occurred and that I had actually lost enough weight to look thin.

He's the first person to notice that I've lost weight and actually be concerned about that. It actually flatters me because nobody cares enough about me to be concerned about me ever. It's a nice feeling to have someone concerned about me. Even though I would do absolutely anything in the world for Prof CNM but if anything, his reaction has motivated me to lose more weight.

But after this month I shan't be seeing Prof CNM much more so I have time to lose more weight. We'll see how things go.