Wednesday, April 27, 2011
The week has just sped by. I can't believe my last post was on Monday and tomorrow it'll be Friday. Time just seems to woosh by without me really noticing.
Yesterday I had my first fasting day in a long time. It was great! If I didn't have the stress of having to find an excuse to get out of meals, I would have enjoyed it a whole lot more than I did. But it was nice to just fast for once and now count calories.
I find not eating at all a whole lot easier than counting out 300cal or however many I'm having that day. That's how lazy I am.
I'm looking forward to doing a good fast sometime soon. I love how the first day is hunger, then after a while there isn't any more hunger, but a bit of dizziness. Then by day 4 or 5 that passes too and that's when I feel great. Like, I can feel the weight coming off. I haven't done a week long liquid fast for a while. I think in the next 2 weeks I need to get used to fasting again so when I do my 2 week long liquid fast I'll be okay. As long as I don't pass out I don't really care.
I'm procrastinating on here right now. I have to face my boss tomorrow morning at 9.30am and I have to present him with work that I was supposed to do over the past 3 months but didn't. So. Somehow tonight, over the next 16 hours I have to pull 3 months worth of work out of my ass. So. So. So. I guess it's pretty safe to assume that I won't be sleeping tonight. I hope that I'll at least look tired tomorrow so that when he does yell at me, he won't yell at me for long.
I'm trying to make myself as organised as possible and to try to get as much of a handle on this paper as I can, but it's not easy since the last time I really knew was literally 3 months ago. I always fall on my face around Prof CNM so it's almost like, trying to circumvent the inevitable.
I saw him yesterday. I was really just saying hello, but we ended up talking about the project and he is PISSED OFF. It's taking too long, the numbers just aren't right and I can provide no explanation for why they are not. I'm scared he'll kick me off the paper. I'm scared he'll trash the paper and it won't be published. I'm scared about a lot of things. But I have to face it. Lucky for me I'm going out with friends after that and we plan to have a bitchy therapy session. And I'll need it.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Well, it's Monday night already and the long weekend flew by somehow without me noticing. I'm shitting myself because I haven't done any work and my boss is going to kill me. I'm scared of my boss but frustrated because I have 2 projects on the go and nobody is telling me anything about them and I want to do work but I can't because I'm always waiting, waiting, waiting on other people to get back to me. But that's all part of life right.
I'm annoyed with my family. I hate being at home. I want to go back to the flat. I think when I move back to this city for good, I'm going to have to move out of home or I'll go crazy. And all the food back at home! Living by myself it was so easy not to eat because I never had any food in the house. But this house is full of junk.
All in all I'm frustrated and annoyed. Nothing is going right and I just want it all to be over. I have a hundred and one things to think about and they are all swirling around my head and I can't get anything done because of it. I think I need to see someone. I need to talk to TS, I really do.
I don't think I've ever mentioned TS before in this blog. It's weird because he is such a big part of my life (and what I mean by that is that he occupies a whole lot of my thoughts). Everything I've said about SPM and Prof CNM and my job, that's all got TS in the background. He was my supervisor at a summer job at the university the summer before last and he got me the current job that I'm working on. I spent an awfully long time trying to maintain a very professional relationship with TS but as work progressed, then as work finished and we stayed in touch, then as he got me a job and I started work etc etc etc...so over time, it became clear that we were friends now.
Which makes me feel bad in some ways because I like to remain strictly professional. When I say friends, I don't mean the normal sorta relationship between friends, well, it can hardly be normal given the age gap. Me being a person who has a non-functional and abusive father and him being a kind guy with no children, he's really more of a father figure to me. I don't know if he thinks of himself in that way, but I sure think of him in that way.
And in my current depressed, irritable and dysfunctional state, following all the stressors of death, work and study, I want nothing more than a parent. But dad being dad, isn't capable of being a parent and mum is busy looking after dad and grandparents and has no time or space in her head for me. In many ways I feel like I have nobody but TS. But I don't see him often and I don't want to bother him.
The other layer to this whole thing is that I'm scared that if I talk to TS and all he says is that I should get a shrink because he doesn't want to talk to me about these things, I'm going to be crushed. I don't want to risk that. If I lose TS then I will have nobody left in this world and at this point in time I can't take that. I don't want to be rejected again.
I tell other people that I don't want my relationship with TS to get any closer for reasons of professionalism. Professional doesn't mean ass to me in this situation. If we became closer it would be more and more like having a functioning dad and hell, that'd be great. I'm scared of being rejected by another father figure. I don't even know how to vibe this thing out. I have no idea what TS thinks of me. As far as I know, I'm another name in a long, long list of students that he's supervised.
But still, I love his hugs when I see him. I love how he calls me "petal" and how he always notices my shoes or nail polish or my dress. I love how he always welcomes me into his office and pulls up a chair for me. I love how my short visits always turn into an hour or more. I love how worried he was about me when I told him I wasn't doing so well since my friend died. I love how he always knows what to say to me, and how he can tell when I'm upset even if I'm trying to hide it.
Do I really want to destroy his image of me? The confident, competent, witty, hard working, composed girl who once work for him. Do I want to replace that with a broken down, damaged, abandoned, weak and powerless girl who just wants a daddy and is starving herself to be thin?
Wow. Turns out I had a lot to say about TS.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Omg. I don't deserve to have you guys! I really don't. I don't deserve to have this blog or any followers, I don't deserve all the thinspo on my computer, I don't deserve the tons of clothing in my room.
I've been eating continually for 2 weeks now. And I just got on the scale and HOLY SHIT OMFG 57KG!!!!!!!!!!! Megafacepalm!!!!!! Self bitchslap is more like it. I can't believe it. When I was so high and mighty about getting below 55kg, which is a big milestone for me, and when I worked so hard for so long and lost weight every week, even when I was sick-now, I've gained almost fricken 3kg back! In only 2 weeks!!!! I'm disgusted. I'm also in complete shock.
I knew I had gained some weight, I feel lots fatter but never would I have guessed that I had gained that much. What's worse is that I'm now home where beady little eyes watch me all day and force food down my throat. Dammit! I want to go on an immediate fast but it's bloody Easter weekend home with the family and I know for sure that without fail the next 3 days will be crammed with feasts because that is all my family ever does on holiday.
Right now I'm scared. I'm really scared. If I can put on 3kg so fast then what's to stop me putting it all back on. I can't let that happen. I would just kill myself. I can't gain any more weight. I hate myself for losing control so wildly and throwing away all my hard work. I've decided that when I go back to uni in a week I will be on a liquid fast (I'll still be living at home so I'll have to eat a tiny bit of dinner yuck) and that's for 2 weeks. Then when I go away for 2 weeks I will be on a complete liquid fast THE ENTIRE TIME. fuck this. A 2 week long liquid fast should do something to aid weight loss surely.
I need to go hard now because after that 2 week long liquid fast is when I MUST weigh in at 49kg. So as of today, I have 8kg to lose. Shit. That's a lot of weight. That's 8kg in 5 weeks. 3 of those weeks I will be under intense pressure to eat, I will have to somehow get real good at disguising the amount that I eat. Any tips??????? I'm so used to just not eating and not being questioned that I don't know how to make it look like I'm eating when I'm not.
Omg, I'm looking at the task that faces me in the weight loss and my work over the next 5 weeks and I am shitting myself, I'm so scared I won't be able to do it.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
In the words of "Creep" by Radiohead and it describes e-x-a-c-t-l-y how I feel in general. Exactly. I could never have put it better myself. At the end of the day, all the diets, the exercise, the clothes, the make up and hair, it's all in pursuit of perfection.
I'm so flawed it feels like I'll never get there but each step closer to it is an improvement and I've got to take what I can get. I can't wait to be thin. I wish I could wake up one day and be thin. Or not wake up at all.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Everything in my life comes down to two things. Control and Fear. Every action, every thought, everything can be boiled down to one or both of those things. With the exception of work. Which is why I love work. The one place in the world where I can get away from the hauntings of my head and feel like that I might be doing some sort of good in this world.
I've been spiraling out of control since my friend killed herself. As a friend and a classmate who I'm going through this journey with, it was really quite some blow. Not just that, but all the deaths I've witnessed over the past year and a half (which is a whole lotta death) came back to haunt me because at the time they happened I had nobody to talk to and so never really processed any of it.
And, as it has been all my life, spiraling out of control inevitably comes hand in hand with lots of eating. And I've been eating non-stop for about a week. I've gained a kilo. I can feel the fat piling on. I can see that I'm fatter. I hate it. I feel disgusting. Not only is everything in my life a misery, but I'm also gaining weight. Awful. After I worked so hard to lose it all as well.
I feel bloody awful. I will lose the weight. I will lose it. I will lose it. I will lose it. I will be thin.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Well my comrades in arms I have a real hankering to vent some anger. A real hankering!
Some of you might have been directed to this blog via communitylivejournal where I wrote a little note about wanting Ana buddies and added a link to this blog. Now, my entry went something along the lines of telling you all that I wanted to offer my support to anyone who wanted it and anyone who might be struggling to dedicate themselves to Ana, because let's face it, Ana is demanding and it is definitely not always a walk in the park.
It can be a difficult life with a lot of hard work but like all things that involve hard work, there is a reward at the end. If you run and run and run and train all your life, you might win a gold medal at the Olympics. If we starve and exercise, we will lose weight. It's simple.
I personally do not see anything wrong with wanting to offer anyone help. I realise that the vast majority of civilisation views Ana as an illness and reviles it etc etc etc and I know that by putting my thoughts on the internet as a public forum thing, I will attract people who agree with me and those who do not. My logic is that if someone wants to lose weight, Ana or not, I will support them. I, like most of you, understand the pain of being the fat kid and that is something no one can fully appreciate unless they have been in the same situation.
That isolation and derision is more than ample motivation to want to turn your life around and that is what I decided to do. If anyone who ever reads this or contacts me is suffering under the pressure of Ana and wants to kick the mental illness and wants to recover I will never hesitate to direct them to help and I will happily support them through that process. My goal with this blog is to express what I am going through for anyone who cares to read it (and I daresay that some of you enjoy reading my blog), it is also partly selfish because I need a forum to express myself without worrying friends and family, it is also to support ANYONE who wants my help, whether it be to lose weight or to get on the road to recovery.
So let me say this. Everything I do is by my own personal choice. If someone wants my help it is their choice to do that. If someone wants to read my blog it is their choice to do that. If someone disagrees with me and Ana and everything on this blog, that is their personal decision and I respect that.
Now, today I got the following response to my communitylivejournal entry.
Dedicate? Shame on you! "Ana" is not dedication it is a mental illness! Would you also help someone "dedicate" themselves to bipolar disorder?
I don't have to explain why I am upset by this. It angers and upsets me on many, many levels and to save you all from me pulling out my psychiatry textbook and delving into the intricacies of bipolar disorder vs anorexia nervosa (expect, believe me they are VERY different mental illnesses), let me get to the crux of the matter.
The internet is a public forum and because we have the luxury of freedom of speech, we can express ourselves as I have been doing this entire post. I don't judge others based on what they say online or indeed, what they say or do in person because I have not lived their lives, I don't know their motivations and based on past experience, it is wrong to judge anyone until you can appreciate all that because at the be all and end all of things, people do things out of fear or for love.
Also, since my entry was on an Ana-Mia buddy site, I can only assume that the writer of the comment didn't just stumble across it, she sought out the site and posted comments there (I assume I'm not the only one who received such a comment) with the intention of attacking us. I find that malicious. But I am sure that blonde_punk1 has her own motivations. Maybe she has lost a loved one to Ana and is angered by it. I don't know. I respect that she doesn't agree with it, hell, she has the majority of the world on her side.
But what I feel is that there was no need for her to write anything like that. Especially "shame on you". That hurt me. It hurt me a lot. This life isn't easy. I've had a hard week. I've got to go to a funeral for a friend who committed suicide. And this is one aspect of my life that is very important to me and this is the only forum of support that I have. [by the way, thank you guys for all the support you give me here!] It's a very personal aspect and maybe it's because I'm sensitive or over sensitive but I felt attacked after I read that comment.
As you might have guessed by me ranting this very long blog entry. So I'm going to go cry for a bit in a corner because due to my own personal weaknesses I'm feeling attacked and sad that a stranger would be so judgmental.
To the girl behind the comment, I know the ins and outs of mental illness. I've studied it, I've worked in inpatient psychiatric units, I've sat exams on it. I also know the ins and outs of my life and I will be the first to admit that over the years I have been damaged and if I didn't have the history that I have, I might not feel the constant need to be thin and lose weight. Until you have lived my life and heard the things I've had to hear and see the things I've had to see, don't tell me to be ashamed. Don't condemn me by saying "shame on you". You don't understand how alone and vulnerable and deeply traumatising it can be to be in this position. I do, and I get through one more day in this world by relying on the support of Ana buddies and this blog. All I am doing is trying to reach out to people who are hurt and vulnerable and alone to let them know that they are not alone, that I am going through the same thing and that together maybe we can make it through another day. Is that so wrong?????
Friday, April 15, 2011
Were you the fat kid at school? I was. Maybe I wasn't the fattest kid in the class but I have always been the fattest kid in my group of friends. Some might look at it like I somehow managed to have some skinny as friends, which might be true. But it doesn't really matter. I hate always being the fat kid. Even at 21 years old I am the fat kid.
I am the fattest person in my flat. My best guy friends are all thinner than me, some of them are taller than me and they weigh less than me. That is just so unbearably humiliating. So I can't date a guy until I know for absolute certain that I weigh less than them. I can't stand the fact that a large proportion of guys the same age as me are lighter than me. It's just ridiculous.
I hate being the fat kid. It sucks knowing that I'll definitely be the one out of my friends that people won't look at as we walk down the street and I won't be the one the guy wants to talk to when he approaches us at the bar. But somehow it's worse than being invisible, it's knowing that when I am looked at, it's only with disgust.
Maybe that's why I get so attached to men who seem to really think that I look pretty. Even if those men are my professors and the prettiness is in my clothes as opposed to me.
One day I will be thin and beautiful and when people look at me they will think that I am so very thin.
Being thin is more important than being pretty. I would be much more flattered by someone telling me that I'm too thin than someone telling me I'm pretty. Is that weird?
I was looking up celebrities and their weights. I thought that Natalie Portman looked great in Black Swan. I found out that she's about the same height as me and that she weighed 90lbs in the movie. So, theoretically, I'd look that good at 90lbs. So let's shoot for 90lbs now! But still, one step at a time, 49kg is my next goal weight. I want to be there in 6 weeks. So that's around 1kg a week that I have to lose. It doesn't sound that bad but I don't think it'll be that easy.
But I will do it. One day, I will be 90lbs. One day this year. I will do it!
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Hey hun! Thanks for your comments, I enjoy getting them!
Firstly, bear in mind that while I may weigh 54kg, I'm also only 1.6m tall. So my weight might sound okay but once you realise I'm short, you also realise I'm not that skinny. That being said, I'm a hell of a lot skinnier than I was when I started. And I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I'm getting closer and I do look better than I used to. I love high waisted skirts and the like so it's nice to be able to wear them now!
I have to say that if I look at myself subjectively, like, not from my point of view but from what everyone else thinks, I'd have to say that I'm probably average for my height. I'm not what everyone would call fat. Just normal. But of course, I think I'm fat and that's the only opinion that really matters. And I'm not content with being normal, I want to be thin. I want to be really, really thin.
And LOL! It's so cute that you want to know more about Mr D. He's still as handsome and charming as ever. However, I have now rotated away from that specialty so the only time I see him is at weekly teaching. Also, this is my last week from surgery and after this week I'm moving to a different hospital in a different city so I won't see him again. This makes me muchos sad :(
I've been stressed out a lot recently, and I've been working in ophthalmology, which is what I want to do in the future so I've been trying to impress the bosses there. The other week when we were in teaching with Mr D, he seemed awful serious. Then I realised that I had been solidly frowning at him the entire time because I was so stressed and I wasn't really paying attention. Teaching was freaking painful coz Mr D is pretty scary when he's serious. So I was like, I gotta try and smile a bit. So I smiled at him and he smiled back and then he started cracking a few jokes, we laughed and things were much better after that.
Mr D is a handsome charmer, and I'm going to miss him when I move!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Well, I could've guessed that this week wasn't going to go so well. Not only did I not lose a single ounce of weight, I've gained half a kilo. W-hat a binge week. Honestly. In the past week I've eaten enough to cover like 2 weeks worth of food. I don't know what happened. It's like, my first really bad binge since I started this diet and while on the one hand, I kind of know that it's was inevitable and going to happen eventually, it doesn't make me feel any better about it.
So I've finally somehow come to terms with the fact that I will definitely have to start exercising. *sigh*. I'm so stuck in a rut right now. I feel like I've made so much progress and lost this weight but after this binge I really feel like I'm back to square one. Logically I know I'm not, I've lost like more than 10kg but it annoys me that I can't keep up the restriction. But I am getting better at it so maybe it's just a time factor.
I'm going to try to restrict even more next week and the week after that I'll be back home on holiday when I can exercise all day and lose the fricken weight. I just want to be thinner.
I've bought some tops that are too tight to try and motivate myself. Like, they fit me but they are clearly clearly too tight. One is a normal size 6 and it is so unbelievably narrow. Just looking at it on the hanger impresses me. I can't believe I can get into it at all but it is stretchy material. The other is a size 8 and it fits but is tight as well. I can't wait till I can fit the size 6 one and I'm not busting out of it.
One day! I know I can get there. I might be down and out right now but I must pick myself up. Just not right now. I need to wallow a little bit more.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I write this with blurry vision, I'm squinting at the screen. I'm lying in bed, so much of my body is aching. My feet in particular because I stupidly thought I could handle a whole day in the hospital in high heels. Hey, it's not my fault that day turned out to be a 12 hour day.
I can't even think straight enough to know what to write here. There's a saying at medical school, burned out. I assume that you will have heard it before. It's when you work yourself so hard that, like candle that's been burning and burning, you get all burned out and there's nothing left of you to give. I'm kind of at that stage.
I've not had a holiday since I was 15 years old, I've worked every summer. I worked all year last year, and all summer under a boss who I adored but is known throughout the country for being tough. I've not finished the work and it's dragged on throughout the year. I'm tired. I feel like such a failure and I'm afraid to face him.
On nights like this I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
I'm so far from being perfect. I'm fat and ugly and I'm just not losing the weight fast enough. I think I've hit the stage where my weight loss will be largely dependent on exercise. Of which I am doing nothing except ballet once a week.
I'm eating between 300-500cal a day and even though I'm losing weight, it's not enough. I want it all to melt off overnight and it just won't happen. I want that gap between my thighs. I want thin arms. I don't want to be able to pinch the fat on my body. When I sit down, I want my belly to curve in, not podge out.
I fail at losing weight. I fail at writing my paper. Nothing I want in life is going right and I'm starting to break down. I'm all alone, there's no one to support me and I can sense D day coming. When I have to face the Prof about my paper. when I have to face the test next week to try to get that prize, when I have to face the scales and the mirror. I hate this.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Okay, I want to start this post by saying A HUGE THANK YOU TO ALL YOU GUYS FOR READING!!!!! 16 followers and every time Iog on, it tells me that someone's viewed my blog. Honestly, words can't express how much it means to me that you guys read it. I love your comments too!
So it's early in the morning and I'm supposed to be studying but I decided to tell you guys about the ballet class I had on Sunday. Great class, as per usual, and my calves are still burning and aching from it but the thing was, if any of you have ever taken a dance class you'll know that one whole wall of the studio is a mirror. So you can get a darn good view of yourself. I could visibly see that I'd slimmed down from when I started taking those classes at the start of the year!
I was like, oooh, look I'm starting to see that somewhere under all the fat, there is a waist. And my thighs don't bulge out that much! I was feeling triumphant indeed! I'm not there yet but surely enough, with each passing day I'm inching closer and closer!
And this morning, as I was getting ready to shower (looking back, a lot of these moments seem to take place as I'm undressing to get in the shower), I was kinda looking in the mirror and then I stood there, with my legs together and I could just about convince myself that my thighs weren't as squashed together. I think I'm still a good 4 or 5kg away from having any sort of visible gap between them but this is a start!
So, feeling very positive about the weight loss, feeling very crappy about the hospital but we all need some balance in life right.
Friday, April 1, 2011
See, I thought I had ranted about Mr D heaps on here but I just realised that I haven't really! Maybe it's because I rant on about him to everyone else that I just assumed that there was an entry in this blog that devoted itself to him. So for GorgeousThin and anyone else who is wondering a bit about Mr D, here is how I describe him. *foreword: prepare for some gushing here*
Mr D was my consultant and OMG he is the most handsome man I have ever clapped my eyes on. I first saw him in theatre and he was scrubbed in and operating. So all I could see were his eyes but you know how sometimes that's enough? Well I had already gathered that he was good looking. He had stunning green eyes. Then he started talking to me. And his voice! It was deep and melodic and sweet. His voice made me go weak at the knees.
Then he finished the operation, scrubbed out and I could see more than just his eyes. And WOW. He was so handsome! And he came over and shook my hand I could barely take my eyes off him, he was so good looking. And also, very, very nice. Then the next day he turned up in a suit and he was soooo handsome I thought I was going to fall over!
Then we were in theatre together and it was a big operation on a guy we thought was so sick he could die on the table. It was 10pm at night and we were crammed up against each other because there were 5 surgeons all working around this guy's scrotum and anal region. Mr D was holding onto this guy's testicle that we had dissected out and were going to tuck back in at the end of the operation.
Suddenly Mr D grabs my hand and puts it on this guy's testicle and he holds my hand there for a few minutes. In my head I am flipping out and melting because the handsome Mr D is holding my hand (on someone's testicle) and then I suddenly realise that this is a very odd situation to be in.
Then just another day he was standing right behind me in theatre, with his hands on my shoulders and he's talking in my ear with that amazing voice of his, giving me directions. They were good instructions but I could hardly focus because he was standing so close, I could feel his body heat radiating through my scrubs.
Gosh, I'm so sad my run with Mr D is over because now I'm not going to see him again but ahhhh, he was so handsome!
There we go. And, on another note, I've lost another 0.5kg. Not as much as I'd like but given that I was sick and eating like a pig, I'm quite relieved I've not gained weight. And I just went shopping and went to one of my favourite stores and bought an outfit that was size 8. (this isn't US sizing by the way, I'm not huge) and I've always been a size 12 at the store as long as I can remember, a size 10 if I was going to squash myself into a top that was supposed to be loose or something but today, size 8 fits me just right! Yay! Progress.