the german boys.

"So we're back here again, tip-toeing around the edge of the end."

Back at home, lying in bed, using internet and jetlagged as all hell. I'm too scared to even weight myself because I know that I am still fat. I have gained weight. Thanks to stupid and amazingly hot German bloke I lived with. But now I am home, away from that dratted recovery house and things will be back on my terms thank you very much. 

It feels strange to be at home, it feels as though I never left. This trip hasn't changed me at all. I feel the same about myself. It is so easy to pick up the strands that I dropped 2 months ago. 

I need to go back to the professor at some point in time. And I can already feel the anxiety rising in my chest just thinking about it. The old illness rising, the old emotions awakening.

Work looms. I am looking forward to it simply because of the weight loss potential there. No matter what happens in my life, weight loss is still the only thing that I crave. 

My weight is really holding me back. And I realised this while I was in the UK. The first German guy I lived with, Chris, was the one to start force feeding me. Even though I hated him for this, I absolutely adored him. He was cute, he was extremely nice and we ran on the same wavelengths. We used to go on long walks together, go explore the city together and he always had an umbrella to hold over me when it started raining. He would kill spiders for me even though I knew he was terrified of them too. I missed him so much when he left.

I'm terrible at reading what a guy thinks of me, but by the end of our 5 weeks together, I knew he liked me, and I knew by the end of the 3rd week that if I wanted him, I could have got him. But I couldn't try. I couldn't bear the thought of him touching me even though I wanted nothing more, and feeling all the fat on my body. I started to push him away in the last week. I wouldn't go to any of his dinner invitations, wouldn't go out clubbing with him. He was really upset with me in the end. 

He still messages me on facebook. And I feel terrible each time I hear from him. 

Andreas, the second guy, was very different, although he was the one who fed me the most. He made me feel even worse about myself. Andy is one of the best looking guys I've ever seen in my life and I hated being in the same room as him. I felt I was far too fat and ugly for him to even look at me and that is something that I just couldn't get past. 

I remember the first time I saw him. I'm sure he could see the physical response I had to first seeing him. I stopped what I was doing, my eyes bulged, my jaw dropped and I became extremely flushed. He is just so good looking. Deadly charismatic, but not charming in the way that Chris was. Maybe I say that because Chris was trying to get to me, and Andy wasn't. 

I wonder how things would have turned out if I had been thin. Would I have gone out with Chris? Would I have talked to Andy more? 

But does that matter, because I am fat and I didn't do any of those things.