Saturday, December 22, 2012

I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

"Breaking little twigs with my feet and underneath is a road that's so steep." 

"You're looking well, I can't feel your ribs anymore." He smiles and I shrink away slightly. Suddenly, his mind clicks and he back tracks. "You look perfect. Perfect and slim. Please don't misinterpret that." He pulls me close, kisses me and walks me to my car while holding my hand. 

He kisses me again at my car. I can see how happy he is. He is so happy to see me "so well". Which only means one thing to me, I'm fat. I'm thinner than I was, but that's about the same size as when I last saw the professor, so in his head, I haven't changed weight at all. I still want to lose another 20lbs, at least, but I'm now fighting that same battle in my head, I don't want him to get upset with me. But I don't want to be upset with myself. At any rate, I'm only losing at the speed of about 1-2lbs a week, so it's very slow progress. Progress. But slow. 

Driving home, I clutch a tiny little box in my hand. A present from the professor and I'm dying to open it. Still, best to wait until Christmas. Wind in my hair, rain coming through the window, music blaring. It's been a long time since my heart has felt so much at rest. From the past turmoil of all my self doubt and all the pain after I had convinced myself that the professor hated me personally and professionally, this little meeting has settled everything, if only for the moment. 

For the moment, everything is okay. It was apparent that he was very worried about how I'd cope with starting work. He's relieved I haven't dropped a tonne of weight, he's relieved I don't look tired, he's relieved I seem cheerful. And I guess he's right. I'm handling it. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm struggling, but I'm handling it.

That pretty much sums up everything. I'm handling it all. Not handling any one particular thing that well, but doing it all at an okay level. So that sums me up. Handling it all. Okay. 

I will update again soon to wish you lovely ladies merry Christmas...but that's for the next post! Want to say a big thank you, to all those who take the time to read this blog, and especially those who take the extra time to comment. 

I don't say it often enough, but I really do appreciate it, and reading your comments usually is the best part of my day. 


  1. Even though it doesn't seem like much, handling it all is a very big accomplishment. Because I know that even that can be difficult. I'm so glad to hear meeting with the professor went well! Of course he doesn't hate you, you mean a lot to him.

  2. Well done for taking everything in your stride so well. It is incredible to think you're a fully qualified doctor and you manage to keep your life together so well.
    Merrist of Christmas' to you, you deserve it.