Monday, December 10, 2012

preoccupations of a bored, female mind

"Hate and fear and to do what it takes to move through."

Well, it must be a sign that I'm somewhat bored. I don't think this would have happened in surgery. I'd be far too busy in surgery to think of such things. However, what remains is that I'm not in surgery, and I am bored and I have therefore started to think about boys. *sigh*

I should say first up that me thinking about boys EVER is a big waste of time. Nothing ever happens, and that's probably my fault every time. Still, the odd flight of fancy never really hurt anyone and it does keep life a bit more interesting. Generally speaking, I hate these days where I get preoccupied with a guy. It seems so frivolous. It seems so immature. At times like this, I wish I could just focus and forget that guys exist and just get on with my job. 

His name is Josh and I used to think he was a real dick. But on the job, he's just transformed. He's sensible, easy to get along with and has a certain flair of spunk, or is it an undercurrent of rebelliousness, or is it simple laid back style? I can't decide. When I think of him, I think of the first resus I ever went to as a doctor. How scared I was, and how we looked through the notes together, and how afterwards he told me how good I was to talk to the family. And that made me feel good, because I had been hating on myself for freezing in the moment. 

He's actually worried about patients, he hands them over so well. He seems like such a pro already. Today, when he was showing me a computer trick, he came right over and leant on me. I didn't want him to leave. 

I want him to do so many things with me/ for me/ to me. And then I run my hand across my stomach, and I feel the lumpy scar that spells out "THIN" cut onto my skin and then I don't want it anymore. 

All my demons come laughing out again. How can I even let him near me when I'm really so very foul. It makes me feel like a little brat who wants it all and needs to be put in her place. At least my calorie count today was pretty good. All in all, I don't think I exceded 800cal, maybe even around 700cal. And you know what, I don't even feel that hungry. 

Dinner time is definitely the worst time for me. When I get home, I just want to collapse and drown in pasta and cheese and fried chicken and cake and everything that is a hundred calories per bite. But resisting it is the key. I've decided to go for quantity over quality. So for dinner I had a HUGE plate of cabbage. Filled me right up. But it was just cabbage. Was doing so well, until I ate some bread, and avocado and some egg. 

Still, this is one of the best calorie intakes I've had for a while. Water works so well. I drank like 3 bottles of water today, not once did I feel hungry. I'm going to keep the water up. Let's see how this change up works for me. 

The best way to lose weight for me has always been to have a crush. And if today has been any indication, then I shall be hitting my goals soon. Ah Josh, useful after all. 

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