"Let me be empty, oh and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight."
I'm losing my head. Losing it completely. I can't possibly be on my game. It's Joe. Stupid fucking Joe. No, that's not true. Joe has nothing to do with it. Stupid fucking me. Stupid, stupid fucking me. At any rate, I sought help over this matter, and my friend, who I was hoping would talk me through it and help me just get over him instead text him on my behalf and asked him to coffee.
Fuck. Okay, so coffee isn't a big deal. It really isn't. And in the hospital, it is a total necessity. So it isn't as big a deal as it is in my head. In my head I'm making a mountain out of a mole hole.
At any rate, me and Joe are trying to find a time to have coffee next week. I don't really believe it will really happen, but we'll see.
Nothing about it makes sense at all. The more I think about it, the less sense it makes. By all accounts, I should hate Joe. But I don't. Gah!!!! Nothing makes sense, and I absolutely hate this sense of losing control, I hate this feeling of everything spiraling out of my control, I hate that I can't even control my feelings.
I feel so insecure that I am doing something that feels so fundamentally wrong for me. There is a reason I am 23 years old and have never had a relationship, never had a fling, never been kissed. And to step outside this comfortable little box of mine...it feels like shit.
Can't eat, can't sleep, can't think of anything except Joe. What sucks is, even though I know I am suffering this much, I'm sure that Joe is completely unaffected.
Ah well, every cloud and all.
I felt thin for the first time today. It took me completely by surprise because at 119lbs, I still think I'm fat as fat as fat. Even though I've lost enough weight for me to be pulled aside at the airport and have 3 different people stare at my passport to see if it really is me. So I must look sort of different.
When I look in the mirror, all I can do is pinch and pinch at all my fat and I feel like shit. But today, when I was at the bank, and feeling miserable for being at a bank...I was sitting, sort of hunched over, legs crossed with my arms over my legs and I suddenly felt a hollow. I felt like there were gaps between my limbs and a hollowed out stomach and I felt thin.
I have NEVER felt thin before. I was shocked and stunned and absolutely delighted. So today, I have only had one chicken kebab and a bowl of cabbage soup with a few pieces of squid. I don't know how many calories that is...but certainly no more than 700-800cal. Not as good as I'd like.
I think this Joe thing...all food seems so unappetizing. I want to eat, because I'm used to eating and binging. I haven't done this in a long time and so somewhere inside me, I feel like I should be due for a binge right about now. But faced with food, I just want to vomit.
Do you know what the problem is? Joe is tiny. He's so small. He's a wee bit taller than me (and I'm 1.6m) and he is fucking skinny. I am so tempted to ask him he weighs just to get a rough idea of how much fatter I am because I am SURE that I weigh more. I've always wanted to date a much bigger, muscular guy, one who I would trust to catch me and pick me up than one who is smaller than me.
Dammit, I need to be smaller than him. This is just insane. How can he be so fucking small! Why can't I be that fucking small! FUUUUUUCK. And at the root of it all, why do I have to fucking fancy him????
But to the title of this blog...since I have lost enough weight for me to notice, I decided to try on some of my "trial" clothes. I have quite a few size zero items tucked away in drawers and closets. I squashed into quite a few of them today. All those skirts that i never used to be able to fit are now quite snug. SNUG. So maybe another 6lbs later, they might actually be comfortable.
It's so nice to be able to fit into some size zero clothes, so nice. So good to have some confirmation that I am going in the right direction. Come on 100lbs, come on double digits. Maybe when I'm thin, I'll feel better about Joe.
But for now, if I can't control what is going on with Joe, then I need something to hold onto. I need the certainty of starvation and weight loss. I need some constant in my life.
as a response to your comment on my post:
ReplyDeleteit saddens me that it hits home because though like you, i don't actually think it's so hard as to call it 'abuse'. i think that abuse is with intent, sort of like if someone intends to hurt you then so be it. then again, you can't really measure someone's intent by their response and actions. though i have a feeling she doesn't want me to die in a hole. she does do things for me. i think...that it's more of them caring in a certain way and like you said being unable to express it in another way. i think culture is a huge part of that whole thing. i always thought that if it was abuse, then i'd surely know. yes, i'm not happy about her treatment of me but it's not like any child is happy with how their parent treats them. i mostly wanted an input on that. it's nice to see how different people think and i'd have to let you know that i did follow what you were saying and i even agreed to quite a bit of it! ;)
as for the assault, i still don't know. it has enough of an effect that i don't feel safe in a fat body (which by my standards is what i have now) but then again, quite a few things happened to me to reach to this extent of "out of body" experience. i'm still sad that you had to go through that because nobody deserves that. i don't think there's a clear line. like even physical abuse - in some cultures, it's completely acceptable and not even considered as so. especially in Arab culture, it's just if your parent strikes you a few times it's just not a big deal. however, that means that i'm applying one principal (i'm saying that culture does matter when you're talking about what is considered abuse) but i'm not applying it to my ED thing.
in this culture, mental disease isn't just that significant as far as it goes. you can puke up your lunch, wash your hands 50 times, cut yourself and all and they really don't care because they think that by the grace of God, you will find your way through faith. so if i'm saying that if abuse is culture-based, then the idea of any mental disease (regardless of a DMS-IV) should be culture-orientated as well even if mental disease isn't culturally bias
...this is confusing and makes no sense, but basically: i don't make a big deal out of the 'abuse' (used very loosely here with nearly no meaning) but i do of the ED when in fact in my culture, it's not seen as a problem, so does that make me contradictory or what not
anyway i'm going to comment about this post i haven't read in another box
-Sam Lupin
okay now time for this post
ReplyDeletei've been hearing a lot of Joe's today i don't know why
firstly, did you know that there's this study about eating disordered people basically what they did is that they took hardcore anorectics and normal sized ED people and they realised that the anorectics have a less disorderly perception of their bodies than the normal ones i honestly thought that was interesting
i think that for the most bit, you definitely are different
there's this huge i'm fat/i'm not that fat thing i don't think a lot of ED people talk about is that you feel fat, but at the same time, you know you're technically not but you can't help but feel that you are and it just keeps going on and on
119lbs. that's amazing. that is extraordinary.
i think that it's not because you're used to binging that you ate. i think it's because in a way, us ED people are so fascinated with food that we just can't help but try to elect some joy from it
not electing joy from food is just the worst thing
we're just constantly thinking about food constantly craving it, constantly wanting it even if we're not craving anything in particular, i think we miss the things that food do give us rather than the actual food itself because we sort of amplify how something tastes like
and with an ED it's about like 5409000% worse
i think in a way, we just need an excuse - a drive, something to get as thin as possible. sometimes, we hate it, but at the same time, we need it. and if there's not one in front of us, believe me - we will find it.
i have no idea what i was supposed to say but here's my input
i'm sorry im dead
-Sam Lupin
It's so so great you're fitting into size zero. I'm sure that is a goal lots of people would love to achieve. I'm sorry you're so stressed about the Joe situation. But surely coffee is a good thing? Good luck love <3
ReplyDelete