Wednesday, May 29, 2013
and my heart sunk into my arse.
"She's got ice on her lashes, white in her winter coat."
Well it would seem it's been a while since I was last on this blog. Hard to keep up with you all! I didn't intend on taking a break, but for a while my focus had shifted. For a while now I have been eating what I wanted, not weighing myself, shopping like I'm having a manic episode and looking fucking fabulous.
Every day I still worried about my weight but fuck it my clothes fit and my clothes are fabulous. It would seem that if I'm wearing fabulous clothes, I feel that's all people see. I've gained so much weight that I can't ignore it anymore. I also have so little money that I can't ignore it anymore. So things haven't exactly been going well, even though this is the first time in at least a decade where I have been so relaxed about my weight.
I'm in a wee bit of shit over my spending. My mother has just had a tizz at me. Fair enough too. I've spent $40,000 in the past 6 months, and as she says, that's a deposit on a house, or a new car. And I've got fuck all to show for it. Just a wardrobe full of designer clothing. Well, more like piles of designer clothing on my floor. As you can see from the photo, it's a rather large pile, and that's just the pile on the floor, not including my 3 wardrobes and the spare room we have turned into a wardrobe for me.
She's right. She's absolutely right. If I had saved, I could have bought myself a new car. Fuck.
I guess I've got that sort of personality. I have to be obsessed with one thing or another. Once the Joe thing passed, I had nothing. And shopping and fashion overtook my entire life. I have nothing else to think about. Or rather, I fill my head with it so I don't have to think about how shit my life is. Anything for distraction. Anyway, my mother is right. This can't go on. I will have to stop shopping. Just fucking stop. But I need to start something else. And everything else I know is just as destructive. But maybe in a less obvious way.
Since I last posted here, I've left orthopaedics, back in general medicine now. It fucking broke my heart. I miss my ortho boys every second of the day. Cried like mad the day I left, not proud of that.
Changed my look a bit. This is the look that got me stopped by 5 random old men in one day who all told me how pretty I was. One even said that I looked like a perfect China doll. I didn't quite know how to take it. Shorter hair, cuter accessories. Sometimes I look like I've watched too many hours of Gossip Girl.
Not all of Ortho was good. There was this registrar who I did a lot of night shifts with. His name is Richard. Nice guy in all respects, if only he could stop calling me fat and ugly. I know it's a joke, but still. I wonder what made him say it in the first place, I certainly didn't suggest him call me that. Kinda destroyed me a bit inside.
I don't really know where I am going with this post. I guess I had a lot of random shit to rant about. But I'm back now, will try to catch up with all your blogs...and watch this space. The shopping addiction has to transform itself into something else. And it won't be good.