Tuesday, May 7, 2013

graduation perfection

"We barely remember what came before this precious moment, choosing to be here right now, hold on, stay inside..."

I've been traveling on this road for so long and now in a few short hours it will officially come to an end. I will graduate. 6 years for a bachelor degree seems far too long and I seem far too emotional for a ceremony that I didn't even want to go to. 

After the weekend from hell and shedding my first tears at work, I've been feeling too traumatised to be on the wards. But still somehow I've been dragging myself out of bed each morning to go to work. And now I get to graduate. 

I have the dress, I have the shoes, I have the MASSIVE black pearl pendant necklace, I have the eyelashes and the lipstick. And somehow, it feels worth it. Somehow, I am reminded of everything I have gone through. All the mistakes, all the literal blood, sweat and tears that I have shed and all the coffee and red bull that I have flooded my body with in order to get by. 

Somedays it's been shit. Absolute shit. And I spend my time fantasizing about perfection. Lounging around in bed with blankets, dressed in flannel pjs with a good book and a cup of coffee. And walking around in Jimmy Choo shoes, hanging with friends in Michael Kors and Rag and Bone and Alannah Hill and going out in a Temperley gown. Drowning in a world of designer gowns and shoes. On those days I feel like quitting my job and going into a world of fashion. 

Other days it's great. And I feel like a doctor, and that I do make a difference, and that I do help people. Sometimes, 6 years and hanging out at the doors of hell is worth it. 

I have been getting thinner. I don't know what I weigh, but clothes are looser. People are noticing. I've developed a habit where I can't finish a plate. I can't leave an empty plate anymore. I know my team watches me eat, my registrars look at each other when they see me pick at my food but I don't give a shit anymore. I look right back like, what. You got a problem with that? And then they don't say anything. 

Sometimes, everything just fades away. Joe and his fiancee, the professor and that failed paper, the fucking malicious nurses at work. It all just fades away. When I pull and pinch myself in the mirror and see that I'm thinner. That's all there is. I'm loving noticing the change. It just makes me want to step it up, to see a bigger change. 


  1. Even though the way was rough and maybe you still ask yourself why even bother to remember it:
    you will make a difference, I already know that. And believe me, I know the business...

    Take good care,


  2. Congratulations on graduating! It is a good feeling, make sure to suck it all in and enjoy it! You worked so hard for this moment and deserve it.

    Be who you want to be, because that's what really matters. People shouldn't be worrying about what you're eating but what they're eating. Sometimes I see people walking out of a fast-food restaurant and I think "what were they thinking?"

    I wish you the best.

  3. pretty pictures
    graduate. omg. im just starting and you're finishing. that is just sublime.
    omg fashion though???!?! i cannot understand this. i had two models in my year that chose fashion instead of medicine really they weren't interested in the actual medicine. just for what they can hold as a title.
    awwww don't weigh yourself for me, love. just enjoy grad for what it is. <3
    -Sam Lupin

  4. Congratulations. I remember the feeling of accomplishment and as you say, the blood, sweat and tears that have gone into it. Congratulations young thing. I am so, SO proud of you. xo