Tuesday, February 28, 2012
best find a surgeon, come cut me open
My friend and I have tickets to see St. Vincent perform!!!!! Wooooo!!!! I love Annie Clark, she's so beautiful. I wish I looked like her.
Ah, what I wouldn't give to look like that! But no matter how wizardly I become with make-up I shall never be that pretty. My ugly little Asian eyes with the awful single eyelid that hides my stubby short lashes will never be that pretty. And my button up-turned nose. *sigh* I guess genetics were never really on my side. I was never destined for that beauty.
Anyway, the weight loss attempt has taken a rather interesting turn. I'm at a rather odd balance in life right now. I can't really do the negative calorie balance thing anymore. I was doing it while I was vegan. But I guess a year and a half of constant binge/purge and restricting cycles has taken a toll. That long of not eating normally has got to have some effect. And until now I had believed that I could somehow escape it and that everything was okay.
But alas! I was convinced that everything went downhill when I turned 21 and I was soooo right! At my ripe old age of 22, I can no longer handle all that stress. During general medicine, I worked 8am-5pm but I slept about 4 or 5 hours a day because I spent the rest of the time studying. Now, in general surgery, I work 7am-5pm days and my body refuses to let me scrimp on sleep.
Now when I am tired, I just shut down. There is no more reserve for me to burn through anymore. Now when I am tired, I simply faint. Like my body is saying "well fuck you, I'm doing what I want" and I just collapse. I've collapsed 3 times now (in public) and passed out countless times in private. It's really quite bad. I spent half an hour lying on the floor in a bathroom in the hospital today because I knew I was going to faint and I spent that long holding onto the floor and trying to drink water to get myself back up again.
Medicine is so not a glamourous job.
And I'm eating. 3 meals a day. It's really strange. I haven't eaten like this for almost 6 years now. But in the morning, I get up and I have fruit. At lunch I will have maybe some noodles and then I will have vegetables for dinner. I'm fairly certain I'm averaging 800-1000cal per day and the thought of that is killing me. But on the other hand, the shame from passing out at work is also killing me. I don't quite know what to do. But I have to eat, or else I keep passing out.
After dinner the guilt of eating so much always gets to me. So I go to the gym. I burn 300-400cal there. It makes me feel slightly better but being in a positive calorie balance makes me feel very insecure. Knowing that each day I'm taking in net 400-700cal makes me feel awful. I know that probably won't make me gain any weight, in fact I will probably maintain a steady weight loss, especially since the frequent eating ups my basal metabolic rate.
I will see how this week goes really. It's all just horribly foreign to me. I didn't realise I was so against eating. I thought I was choosing to eat less. But I really don't like eating, even though I love food. Eating so much is so foreign now. And very disconcerting indeed!