Sunday, February 19, 2012

weight gain and weight loss

This is the winter of our discontent. 

My flatmate and I are suffering in our little world. She has failed her exams and now can no longer go on her big overseas trip at the end of the year. She's usually so upbeat and witty and fun, it's such a shock to see her crying and lethargic and dull. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be too upbeat and desperately try to cheer her up. But apparently the only alternative is to ignore it. I'm trying to strike a balance between the two of them and I'm not sure how successful I am being. Maybe she just needs time. 

A couple of things. Firstly, 76 followers???? When did that happen? HELLLOOOO!!!! Also, to my new followers and my old ones, blogger is just not telling me when all your blogs update so if you want me to follow your blog or check up on it, message me in the comments. Sometimes I'll log onto a blog and find lots of posts I've somehow missed. 

Next is that my weight is swinging wildly out of control. My flatmate's depression goes hand in hand with junk food and I've been binging like some pig. And this makes me very VERY itchy for laxies. I haven't taken laxies since the end of last year and I don't have any left but I really, really do want some. I want to take a handful of them because I'm pretty sure I'm blocked up. I swore off them but I really do crave them. I guess time will tell what happens.

The cutting is coming back with quite a vengeance. I've been wanting to cut for weeks now but have refrained until today. 5 cuts on my upper outer left thigh. My usual depth and my usual sort of cutting. It felt good, but it didn't feel like it was enough. I wanted to cut deeper, longer, and I wanted more cuts. I'm trying not to cut my abdomen because I've pretty much already guaranteed I will never wear a bikini again and so that really only leaves my thighs. I am desperate to cut my arms but it's summer and I don't want others to see them. 

I know I've gained weight, probably all the weight I lost so successful and with so much grandeur when I was vegan. I don't want to weigh myself. I think I will go through next week with vegan/fasts and maybe a few laxies before I subject myself to the scale again. 

I hope you girls are doing better than me. Love you all. 


  1. Sorry about your flatmate, it's always hard when a friend is down. I'm sure she'll appreciate your concern even if you're upbeat!
    Hope you feel better soon, stay strong.
    Rachel x

  2. Yes to fasts, no to laxies. I know how crap it is to have someone around affecting you, but it's chilled judith baby. You have proved time and again how strong and resilient you are. Just keep it going. The cuts do help, I find :(, but we are strong. Xo

  3. I'm sorry about the cutting! Definitely know the feeling of wanting it deeper, longer, and more. Also sorry to hear about your flatmate. I just updated my blog again if you wanna read it. Don't worry about the weight gain! Binging is no fun but you don't need to beat yourself up about it. Everyone has their moments and you'll get back to where you want to be soon!

  4. I'm sorry to hear about your flatmate and about your cutting. I've been feeling the same way recently.

    I tend to post twice a week, normally on a Tuesday and a Friday night (Australian time), just so you know :)