the downward spiral

Christina, Glue, Anafly: thank you lovely ladies for your kind word on my last post. It really was a devastating moment for me. But you guys helped me get through it!

There are a couple of things that have happened. 

Firstly (most importantly) my weight is now 116lbs. I am 1lb away from my next goal weight. 

BOOOOOOYAH!!!!!

I didn't lose as much weight as I wanted to, I had really hoped to surpass my goal weight this week but I haven't been this small for such a long time and so I can't help but feel really happy. I'm also planning to keep this diet up so I'm hopefully I will hit my goal weight soon. It's not so hard to not eat that much food. It's not so hard to only eat vegetables. I will have to eat normally on weekends with family, but being vegan and hitting the gym on weekends is working pretty well for me! 

I'm pleased with the numbers. I do feel thinner. But there is still fat everywhere. I've got such a long way to go. But progress is progress and considering the troubles I've had with losing weight, I don't feel qualified to complain about a loss, no matter how small. 

Next, I went to see the professor today. Handed my project to YW. Who, for those of you with amazing memories, is the freaking thinnest girl I have ever met. The professor said he would give me some case reports to write up and publish later in the year when I'm not so busy. And that does make things a bit better. 

The professor and I are getting on better than ever. We were totally teasing YW today, and I think YW felt a little weird because her boss and me (her junior) were ganging up on her. And we convinced her that we ate cats and dogs. She looked at us as if we were complete freaks. And we looked at each other like we were part of some special club and she wasn't. It was like the weirdest bonding moment with the professor ever. 

He said I was looking really good today. A normal enough compliment for any normal girl. But apparently not me. I was like, so offended. I don't want to look good. I want him to say, "you look too thin", "you look like you've lost weight", "I am worried about your weight." 

I've lost 8lbs since I came back from Singapore. And he hasn't noticed at all. 

Still, the taste of being skinny is just soooo good. I can't wait to actually be really skinny, l can't being able to see my bones, of being able to feel bony. I want people to feel my bones. When the professor puts his arm around me I want him to feel ribs and spine. I want him to feel cheekbones when he kisses me. I want people to be able to see my collarbones sticking out when I walk towards them. I want to be the thinnest girl that people know. I want to be the thinnest. The skinniest. I want to be known as the thin one. I want to find it hard to buy clothes because everything is too big. 

Thin is all I want. So what if things with the professor are all good. So what. None of it makes any difference while I'm fat. It's only good if I'm thin. 

I will be thin. I've been losing weight again. I will get to 115lbs next week. Then I will get to 110lbs in another few weeks. Then after that, 100lbs. Then, I will be in the double digits. DOUBLE DIGITS!!!! 

For now the scale is my friend.