Monday, April 23, 2012

don't care if it hurts, I want to have control.

I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. 

Mirror, mirror. The unscrupulous bitch that stares back at me is unrecognisable. Silk shirt tucked into high waisted pants and a lanyard with a garish name tag. In the great hullaballoo of figures and colours and ailments rushing by, her image is the one that strikes me. Breathe in. Fiery hatred floods my being as a natural instinct, everything about the way she looks is so utterly repulsive to me. The bulge of her stomach, the way her arms balloon from her short sleeves, the way her voluptuous breasts seem to be bursting past the buttons, the subtle double chin. Hideous. 

Breathe out and stop. The hullaballoo has moved on, and it is only me who remains, staring. All the hatred, the revulsion, the disgust, the torrent of emotion that flooded through me in a river of rage has been stunned into pause. In the rush I had failed to recognise my own reflection. I had directed so much hate towards someone who I thought was a stranger, only to realise I had been looking at myself. How did I become this?


I see you are back to commenting on my blog. If my posts upset you, why do you continue to read them? I think your efforts would be better employed doing something you enjoy, such as going out with friends, or undertaking whatever hobbies you may have instead of leaving abusive comments on my posts. 

Do you really expect me to change views that I have held my entire life because someone like you, who I have never met, finds me selfish and stupid (and whatever else you have called me over the years)? 

I know what I'm doing isn't normal. And I can see why you and others may see it as selfish. But you know nothing of my life and how I grew up and my motivations. Not every woman dreams of having a husband and children to cook for. Just as not every person is able to look at food normally. You can't really think that when I starve myself it is some sort of conscious effort to hurt and betray everyone who might care about me and sabotage some vague dream of an idealised family unit. It certainly isn't. Sometimes, it is a coping mechanism that I must do to make it through the day. 

Most of us who have eating disorders are highly intelligent. You obviously don't think so, as you've called me stupid many times now. But most of us get top grades and have highly paid jobs and have high functioning lives and we know more about nutrition than most people who aren't nutritionists. Nothing about ED is about getting nutrition, it's a fear of food, a fear of losing control, a fear of gaining weight that runs in our bones and it's not something that can be changed by telling us to snap out of it. 

Do I like the way I am? No. I'd change many things. And if I could look at food normally, if there was a chance of that, I would. An existence where I don't have to face my worst fear everywhere would be lovely. I would not wish this upon anybody, not even you. For you to think that this is such a simple problem is rather ignorant of you. I don't think you can understand what it's like, not unless you somehow develop an eating disorder. 

What is it that you try to achieve with your comments? Do you hope to inspire me into recovery? Do you want to shame and ridicule me until I fall into a pool of misery and kill myself? I can tell you right now that neither of those things will happen. 

Do you simply want to point out my stupidity and laugh? Feel free to laugh and jeer all you like. But you don't need to be abusive. You don't need to post those comments on my blog. You don't need to read my blog at all. I like to think I've been reasonably civil with you. And you should give me some credit and believe me when I say I'm not a silly little pre-pubescent girl who is online attention seeking. I'm an much older girl, using this as a forum for expressing my thoughts and perhaps meeting people who follow my wavelength. 


  1. I agree. It is a choice to read this blog. If it bothers you, go away! I'm sorry you are being bothered by this person. I hope she finds something else to do with her time soon. Hang in there sweet girl!


  2. Woaw if andrea bitch does not understand after reading what you wrote, it means SHE is stupid the stupid one..LOL

  3. You always write such poetic things.
    It is a joy to read your blog, yet it saddens my heart.
    I can empathize with so many of your thoughts and realities.
    I only hope that someday, if we wish it, we can be "normal".
    Whatever that is defined as.
    That is a whole other story for another time.
    Hang in there, lovely.
    Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

  4. Wow. I don't understand people who comment about not liking what you write. I dislike half the rubbish on Facebook for example, but I don't spam a persons wall up with comments about me disliking it.

    Humans haha. Such strange things. Ignore her though. She seems highly pathetic. xxx

  5. Maybe you take me wrong. I am someone, who care about your health Judith, but you are not listening to people who are trying to tell you to STOP being anorexic and eat enough food to be normal. Actually I am trying to save your life and if I could change your mind somehow I would be really happy, why don't you want to realise that 38 kg is really really not healthy and most of all you will be in danger soon or could even die if you are carry on like this. I see that a couple of people agree with you who are writing the comments here for you, I found your blog and I don't like it. But I like YOU! How can you say that I am laughing? You do take me wrong. I cannot believe you say that, are you just joking or is that what you really think? Why? Go away? well, these people must want you to die??? Well, strange that you hate me just because I say something what you do not like to hear and you accuse me with something which is -I can tell you- absolutely not true! Well, your choice to be unhealthily thin or be healthy. It seems that I can't help, I am even attacked here because of that maybe hopefully when you get older you will think it differently. At the moment you act a bit childish, hope you won't be in a trouble in the future:)
    All the best,

  6. Sorry, I wanted to write:
    All the best,
    Your Friend, Andrea:)

  7. On the other hand my role is not to judge you because of the way you live, because if this is what you really want to do, it is your own decision. But I have noticed that you are not really happy and I am sure, that when you achieve your dream weight, that won't mean nothing also, or can you tell me that you will be genuinely happy? Even more people will judge you and call you stupid because how will you look like at 38?? Like a living skeleton, haven't you thought about that? What people will say? They will DO call you stupid......

  8. Otherwise I think that only selfish people write such things like Go away!, Don't read my blog!, and do YOU know why Judith? BECAUSE THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINION!! I am not being agressive, i am just telling my opinion.......don't judge me, listen to instead please....

  9. Get a nice boyfriend who will point out what is beautiful about you, but with this behavior you will hardly find anyone who can accept your way of thinking. If you don't have a good relationship with your parents that is not a reason to be unhealthy just try to make good relationship with other normal people to make you laugh and happy:) You are not alone with this eating disorder I myself suffered from it before, because my parents always judged the way I look. That's what I call stupid:) Only stupid people judge by the look, don't you think? The other option is to join a group of people who are in the same shoes and maybe you can help each other:) Anyway you will know what to do.

    This is someone's opinion who want you to feel good about yourself in every way.

    1. Oh, fuck off, Andrea! You are a meddling, self-righteous, stupid person. You probably mean well, but for fuck's sake...

  10. This isn't just a behaviour that can just be stopped and forgotten about.
    No one likes what is happening here, no one. No one enjoys being so miserable all the time. No one enjoys in being in so much pain.

    Yes, people may want to help but this isn't the way to do it. The heart is in the right place, the method is just all wrong.

    Always here for you,

  11. You are beautiful.