Saturday, June 23, 2012

in this white wave, I am sinking, in this silence

Heaven holds a sense of wonder and I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up once the rage in me subsides. 

Thank you my Sammy, your comment means a lot to me. I love you girl! Also, to all you lovely readers, how have your exams been? Hope you all kicked ass!

Weight loss for this week? A BIG FAT ZERO. And whose fault is that? MINE. 

It sucks ass but it's my own fault so I've just got to face it. I ate too much. I didn't work out enough. I'm way too stressed. I don't sleep enough. I didn't work hard enough to lose weight and so I didn't lose weight. 

I'm so tired. 

Tired physically, tired emotionally. I just want to go away for a week and just lie still and do nothing. I must try harder, I must do better. I hate being this size. I must get smaller. Simple. 

Meanwhile I'm drowning in silence. Silence from the university who needs to give me something for my visa. Silence from the professor who I have tried to contact a few times now (and riding on this is panic because I have just found out that the lady working on my paper is struggling through the data). Silence. Out of my control. Everything is out of my control. 

I feel so lonely. I feel like that I need the professor. And in a twisted series of events somehow I am wanting to meet up with him and he is unreachable. Wildly different from earlier this year. I feel like something must change. 

Things are going to get busy now, busy at work, busy with plans for Europe and the UK, busy at the gym. I'm praying to a god that I don't believe in to make the weight will drop off.

The upcoming period of business is spurring me onwards. I must make this trip deadline, I must lose enough weight. I will have to make some changes next week and see how that goes. Weight must come off! I hope to be 115lbs by the end of next week. Wish me luck, I'm going in.  


  1. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh noooo, still having visa issues. Fuck. Sorry you didn't lose this week, but life goes on and we get better. Give prof a call, I'm sure it isn't going to be that bad and mabybe if you give him a quick call he'll get off your back for a while. I've been trying to do the whole 'clean eating' thing recently. It seems to be very good and super low cal. Before you come here, you should do a little research on the pub food here, because no doubt people are going to make you drink and eat here. And the pub food - i.e. english food is so fatty and gross. I checked some calorie stuff online and I am never eating in a pub again... okay. Unlikely. But it's grilled fish all the way. Anyway. Love xo