Wednesday, June 6, 2012
skinny and the negative plus
"Skinny..." all my voices singing..."skinny..."
She's aloof. She bites her tongue but when she does speak, her voice is too loud, too judgmental, scathing, loathing. And when she looks at people, she looks down her nose. I would hate her, I would hate everything about her but I'm forced to respect her because she is so thin. Her thigh gap makes me drool with jealousy and longing.
She has long, thin, gazelle legs. And a pretty, thin face. She's everything I want to be, minus the attitude. She's my thinspiration. I want to look like her. I want to be that pretty. I want to be that thin. I want all that. She looks good in everything. She looks like a guy could easily lift her.
She makes me feel awful. Ugly. Unattractive. Invisible.
And so I run. I run till I feel like I'm going to faint but I only manage to work off 300cal at the gym. My intake for the day is 500cal. So my net intake is 200cal. Which makes me feel like shit.
I've failed. I always want to have a negative calorie balance. To be in a positive balance makes me feel terribly insecure. It makes me feel like I'm not going to lose any weight at all. And I just have to lose weight this week. I am going to be distraught if I don't lose any weight. After all this effort, I just need to see some results. I want to be lower than 120lbs. Surely that's not too much to ask.