Thursday, June 21, 2012

pretty hate machine

I got my heart but my heart is no good. You're the only one that's understood. I come along but I don't know where you're taking me, I shouldn't go but you're reaching back and shaking me. 

Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky. The more I give to you the more I die. 

You're the perfect drug. 

It's almost 10pm and I'm standing outside ED in the rain. I wrap my coat around me and look up and down the quiet road. There are a few patients smoking in a corner, there is a hobo lying in the bus stop, then there's me. I've not eaten all day, I've been working almost 14hours and I was shaking with the cold. Lights. Blinding. She pulls up and I clamber in. She deposits me at home and drives out and buys me fried chicken. We share it. 

I know the fried chicken was a very deliberate choice. She knows I've not eaten all day. I find it hard to be mad at her. She's one of my best friends, she's my flatmate, she's my colleague. She's been staying up, waiting for me to call her to pick me up because she won't let me walk home in the dark. In a way, I've never been cared for like this before. 

I swallow my chicken, fighting the rising bitterness. I know she's taking care of me. And I do love her for that. This is just an ED, ruining an otherwise lovely moment. 

Paediatrics. I love it, but it's not my thing. Being around kids disturbs me, and this sounds stupid, but it's because they are smaller than me. I feel some sick sense of satisfaction when I see a child who weighs more than me. I want the long, lean, boney appearance of the young girls. I want to look like that. This must be why I hate my boobs. I'd much rather be flat chested. 

I must be the only female I know to complain about having size D cups. My guy friends are apparently very fond of my boobs. Just the other day one of them told me that he and his now ex-gf had an argument over me and my boobs. 

I've been away from this blog for a while because I was PMSing and somehow my hormones convinced me to have a crack at recovery. The thought process was this: if I am this miserable when I'm trying to lose weight, so miserable that I want to die, how bad can it be if I stop trying to lose weight. How bad can it be if I just give in, do what my boss wants me to do and just stop trying and even gain some weight? I can't imagine it being worse than wanting to die. 

And I have to say, that was some solid logic. Pity it didn't really transpire like that. I upped my calorie intake. Probably not by much because I didn't have any high calorie foods in the house, maybe to 1000cal a day. Then I just worked out harder at the gym so that my net calorie intake was about 500cal a day. And I can tell that I've lost some weight doing that. I've not weighed myself yet but I can feel that there is a small change, maybe 2lbs. 

2lbs loss. And that kicks off the vicious cycle. As usual, nothing in this life will feel as good as seeing the number on the scale go down. Now I'm back to restricting. I'm going to keep my calorie intake up a bit more, because I loved the difference I felt at the gym. But the strange thing is, when I wanted to lose weight, all I wanted to do was eat. Now that I'm actually making an effort to eat more, I'm finding it extremely difficult. 

Ah well, see how it goes, I'm so far down that if I go down any more, I'll be 6 feet under. Which is fine too. 

1 comment:

  1. in the words of the wanted, "The sun goes down. The stars come out. And all that counts is here and now, my universe will never be the same. I'm glad you came."
    the sun and stars are ours to capture, our sweet and utter lifeless rapture.
    and i'm glad she cares, babe. because it hurts when nobody else does.
    Gosh. it ruins everything. but at the same, how can we let go?
    thank you.
    i'd rather have a bony appearance of a six-year-old boy.
    i hate my B's. and i'd die if i had D's, baby.
    Jude, our minds are something weird sometimes.
    oh, sweetheart.
    that last line hurt me. i hate the thought of someone wanting to just die. it hurts, doesn't it?
    and yes. med. i'll probably regret it. like i did with the IB. it's a workload that i'll probably not want to tackle and this isn't a 2-year programme. no. this is x number of years in general and x number of years in specialisation.
    fuck me.
    but i want to do it. 4 years? 5? i've just been saying "medicine". Gosh. i'll probably die.
    but dammit if i want to live my life wondering a "what if?" cycle. it's probably gonna be a huge workload that i don't want, but when you're done, i guess you feel accomplished? ^_^
    Sammy. always finds new ways to make life difficult. heh.
    -Sam Lupin