Sunday, June 16, 2013

and an old fear rises

"While Jesus is saving I'm spending all my grace on the rosy red pallor of lights on centre stage." 

So yet again I've let this blog lapse a wee bit. Work gets to me in a weird way now. I miss boys, so, so much. Cam, I miss Cam especially. It breaks my heart to know I won't see him anytime soon. And still, I'm still spending money, the only difference is that I feel more guilty for doing it. 

I feel like I'm on the precipice of getting my life back together though. Some old way of living is creeping up inside me. Op shopping at cheap places and getting that high off a good find, putting together outfits with a lot of thought. Saving money, working out, losing weight, studying and generally progressing. I used to be that person. And there should be no reason why I can't be that person again. 

For the past few days I've been drowning myself in thinspo and fitspo. Mostly I've been feeling increasingly weak. Less fit. Walking up stairs makes me short of breath. I want to be fit again, and skinny, with a wee bit of muscle definition. 

I'm starting to give up fatty hospital lunches for a bottle of water and a piece of fruit. I'm buying fruit to have for dinner, to eat before dinner so I eat less normal food. I'm hoping, praying, please, this time, let me get this together. I need to get my life together. 

I'm going to start working out after work. Every hour counts doesn't it. It must count for something. I'm going to travel to Melbourne in a month and a half, and by that time, I want to be visibly thinner. 

I read somewhere that it takes 4 weeks for you to notice a change yourself, 8 weeks for friends and family to notice, and 12 weeks for the world to notice. I'm hoping that with some wild restricting and bumping up exercise, in 6 weeks friends and family will notice. It's been a long time since anybody noticed me. I'd love to just be noticed. 

This all must sound so very desperate, but I really miss those comments, I miss people telling me that I look thin. Of late, I've had far too many people call me fat and ugly. 


  1. maybe i can give you my money and you'll make me broke and i'll starve and finally be thin sounds like a plan
    and your boy, Sammy. you miss your boy Sam
    'and there is no reason why i can't be that person again.' there you go.
    fitspo and thinspo make me feel like shit. when i look at that thin person, yes, i do feel competitive but i also feel like i'll fail and therefore stuff myself to death. however, when im at a weight loss streak, oh do i love staring at thin people. fuck. its confusing.
    anyway - im always weak. just standing up on my own makes me very dizzy. wtf its not like i eat 1000 calories a day or something but my body always treats itself like its restricting
    fuck the body (if you're taking that invitation let me know)
    oh my gosh if that isn't true. i mean during my depression my weight is dropping but only recently that ive left college that people have noticed (i'm talking about snail slow weight loss) and im just like 'thank you????' what do i say
    whose calling you fat and ugly let me hunt them down
    apparently i hit my 'thin' weight (everyone called me thin at that weight) in 4 pounds. fuck it if 4 pounds makes a different. and oh, my low weight is about 9lbs away! (well 8.9 pounds, 9 pounds would be a new low weight :P) and then i will show you Sammy that is not as fat anymore? yay

    -Sam Lupin

  2. Well I can't believe it takes so much for progress (well I do because all I do is experience nothing), but that is a long time. Also, maybe you can work on endurance, but since you have been doing good, I don't know why there is a lapse. Maybe your mind is weak and that is causing your body to lag behind.

    XOXO wish you the best. I need to get my life together too because lately it has been falling so much apart.