Monday, April 29, 2013

running away in a fabulous outfit

"The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive." - Amen to that. 

Recently I've been swapping shifts like mad. Swapping all my shifts so that I'm at clinic, and not at the hospital. My registrar Cam, is on nights, and that means Joe is my registrar for the week. Well fuck that. I've somehow managed to spend the last two days in clinic, and somehow I will manage to avoid him. I feel like whenever I see him, I am overcome with a desire to spit poison at him. And I can be hideously bitter when I want to. 

I've been bitter since coming off night shifts. When I was on nights, the night registrar called me fat. We were talking about junk food and he said to me "yeah, you are a bit fat aren't you". Well. Some part of me knows he was joking and that he was just trying to push my buttons, but those words have reverberated in my head ever since. 

I’ve got a growing fascination with Alannah Hill and Temperley London. To be frank I can’t really afford either of those brands, and as of yet I have not bought anything Temperley (except my qualification gown) but I do have half a wardrobe of Alannah Hill. It’s something that I crave more and more. Styles and ways of dressing that has never really appealed to me before. More and more I am leaving the corporate, powerful, structured styles of Cue. More and more I am leaning towards the super feminine, flowing, soft and expensive. 

I think I am doing what I have always wanted to do. Mold myself into something that all men want, but none can have. With my clothes, and my conversation I am clearly pricing myself out of their league. With the way that I act, I make it clear that I do not think they are good enough for me. I’m not sure if that’s the end result I want, or if I am waiting for one guy to step up and prove that he likes me enough to push past all that. Not that I know any of them well enough to make them like me. 

In a weird way I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. I am pushing away what I want to get what I want. It is incredibly counter intuitive to say the least. And I don’t think it’s working at all. 

Now I’m going to be perfectly honest, since this is the only place where I can be that honest. Part of me doesn’t believe Joe is engaged. I know for certain he is, but since I have not heard him directly talk about Stephanie, or their wedding, or any of that, I am somehow holding out hope. I hope that he leaves her for me. Which would be a horrible mistake for him to make since I will not marry him. 

I wish I knew what it is about Joe that I like so much. I don’t get it. I wish I could just forget about him. God, I hope that I can just forget him and just behave normally around him. 

I just. I don’t know what I want anymore. I want a break. I want a rest. I want to get away from the hospital. And go somewhere by myself and think. 

This not having a boyfriend thing, it’s really getting to my head. People are starting to honestly think that I am a lesbian, which really won’t be helping my boyfriend bid. If nobody mentioned my singledom, I may not be so bothered by it. But as person after person after person expresses surprise at me being single...I always feel compelled to tell them that I have never had a gets inside my head.  I start to ask the same questions. Why am I still single. Why don’t I have a boyfriend. Why. 

I got my lashes put on. And I am still fucking ugly. Only surgery will fix me now. Only facial reconstruction will make me pretty. And I’m seriously considering it. 


  1. very expensitive it is
    fuck. men. i should poison on all of them because they just blatantly suck.
    love, your mind's completely twisting what he says if you think that he called you fat but to be honest, i know how it feels. i definitely know how that feels like. i have people calling me fat that actually have no business calling me fat.
    the more feminine something is, the more i don't want it on me. fashion makes me feel...really vulnerable. i don't know. i feel like such a target whenever i am a bit more feminine than usual so i decide not to be. i'm still trying to push myself to buy a frock i want. it's been more than 3 months of me trying to do it, and i still haven't done it.
    aw, love. it's okay to want people to do things for you. you deserve it to be honest. we're people and people are selfish. it's by nature.
    you are single because you are. its not about how pretty you are or how you look like or any of that. to be honest, i have had people ask me out at my fucking high weight. it was never a problem. i never look for people. people just seem to find me. and i can't seem to know how to say no.
    :/ you're not ugly, love.
    i'm seriously considering lipo. the thing is: if i do it, in this culture? then i'll be forever known as 'the fat girl that got surgery to be thin' and i'd rather die than be known by that. i want to be known as the 'the fat girl that stopped eating and become thin and we didn't do any fucking thing to help'. that's not going so well considering that i cannot stop eating.
    -Sam Lupin

  2. I don't think you should go the surgery route! That is totally unnecessary and painful. I do wish you the best though and sorry about Joe.

    Being single is good because you don't have to worry about what anybody else thinks or be tied done in any way shape or form. You can just be yourself and live in the moment. I'm single and yesterday my friend asked me why? He said maybe I should try EHarmony or something and I told him that I was just fine being single. That was my problem he said, that I was fine with it and not looking.

    Who knows what the problem is. I have way too many other things to worry about than if there is a cute boy in my bedroom (though that would be really nice!).

    Stay strong through all of this!