Ana-help!

This is a post that is a slight modification of what I sent my awesome of awesomest buddies Ruki. I thought it summed up how I'm feeling right now and so I thought you guys might want to read it. Just goes to show that everyone has bad times. I try to stay motivated but I think I'm allowed an off day.

I can't wait to weigh myself, I'm so nervous about how much I might weigh!

I haven't seem the handsome Mr D this week. I really miss him! I feel real sad that I can't see him anymore. this is bad because history would suggest that when I get like this, I tend to start emotionally eating. I'm already scared because this is the first time I've eaten so much since I started losing weight. Today I had 600cal which isn't much but in terms of volume it's quite a lot (or maybe my stomach is smaller) so I feel like I'm pigging out.

It's not a good week. I'm like, feeling so bad because I miss Mr D (and I also know that just because he was so special to me doesn't mean he'll remember who I am at all), I also feel bad because I know he won't remember me and it sucks because he kinda had an impact on my life. I'm sick and congested and I feel like crap health wise. I've doubled my calorie intake to 600cal and I don't think I'm losing weight at all.

I know I'm making progress but it's hard because I just don't feel like I'm close to what I want to be and it's frustrating because although I'm usually quite positive about it, today is one of those where it doesn't feel like I'll ever be that thin.

I look at my thinspo pics and I'm like, I don't think I'll ever look like that because I feel so fat right now.

Also, my eating habits, or rather my lack of them have attracted the attention of a few people. The other people in my training rotation group keep mentioning it. Well, I guess it's hard for them to ignore since we quite often have lunch together.

Right now we're all just joking about it but the thing is, even though it's all laughs I can already feel the undercurrent that they will step in if they ever feel like I'm not eating enough. That sucks. If that threat becomes more real then I'm going to have to start avoiding them somehow.

I dunno. But I'll do what it takes. I can't wait to reach my goal weight.

ribs X4

Now this may not be the biggest achievement to anybody reading this. In fact, most of you are probably thinner than this already. But today, when I was about to get into the shower, I was naked and I stretched upwards, you know, as you do at the end of a long day, and I caught sight of myself in the shower and I could very clearly see 4 ribs as I stretch. And that's without sucking my tummy in!

I've not seen my ribs for years and I've never been thin enough to see 4 ribs on each side so I'm pretty stoked! But of course, when I relax and stop stretching, that all disappears but I have to say that it's better than I've been in a long time.

I'm not saying that I'm thin, I'm far from it, but this is progress! I love the look of my ribs when I stretch. I want to look like that without having to stretch. I also want my hip bones to stick out a bit. They totally aren't right now so I've a long way to go.

A few of my friends and colleagues are getting concerned about my eating habits. I don't really care unless they try to intervene in which case I will be very angry indeed!

not fair

Oh the unfairness of it all!!!!

Just when I'm on a roll, just when I'm doing so well, I get sick! I hate this! My throat is so sore and I'm congested and I've got a headache. Sorry, I'm not painting a great picture here am I.

Bottom line, I feel like a pile of crap right now. I don't know how much weight I'm going to lose this week because I think number one goal is to get through the day without passing out. I might have to go buy some barley sugars after work today.

I'll let you guys know how this week goes but I won't be surprised if it ends up being a no weight loss at all.

one step at a time, one hope then another

I'm starting to think that my scales at home might not be the most accurate but anyway, they're what I've always weighed myself with so I guess they are good for tracking the amount of weight that I've lost.

So as of last night I am at 54.5kg!!! Yay! I've cracked the 55kg mark! It's amazing because I've not been this small for years.

I also think that even though I weight what I used to, I'm somehow a smaller size than I was when I was last this weight. How is that even possible? It's weird! But I only think that because I was trying on this top that I've not worn for many years now. It's quite stiff and I could never get it to button up, I don't even think I could button it up when I bought it. I've always worn it under stuff because it has nice sleeves.

But today! I could button it up for once and while it is still a little bit tight and so not the most comfortable of tops, I can wear it! It's an amazing feeling.

And also, my old favourite raspberry coloured blouse. I've not fit into it for literally 4 years. And now, I can! It just goes to show that 1. I put on a lot of weight in 4 years. 2. I never really appreciated my size 4 years ago.

Because, I mean, the size I am now feels so skinny compared to what I was before. I'm not deluded enough to think I'm not still fat, because I am still very fat and nowhere near as thin as I'd like to be, but in comparison, this is a huge improvement.

I'm feeling like I'm making leaps and bounds even though I'm so far from my goal weight, this is still very encouraging.

I've bought some 3/4 track pants today. It's the first time in my life that I've been able to wear them and not look like a complete and utter hippo. I still look a bit like a hippo, but not the biggest of hippos so there is progress!!!

Mr D is great motivation. Even though I won't see him again, the thought of him seeing me as a fat pig is plenty enough motivation to eat less.

So I will go forth with another week of 300cal a day meals and hopefully I shall continue to drop weight. I can't wait for my next goal weight of 49kg.

ANA LOVE!!!!

Today my clothes feel a bit loose. YAYAH!!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!!!

Obviously it's not my goal weight. But it's the biggest difference I've noticed in a long time. And when I sit down, there is still a big layer of fat but it doesn't podge out as much as it used to. I'm definitely feeling thinner.

My pants are sitting there they are supposed to instead of clinging to my thighs. My tops are doing the same. I'm fitting clothes that I haven't been able to wear for a long time.

I'm so happy!

Go Ana! I'm loving it. The whole 500cal a day thing worked so well. And the 300cal a day thing is working great. I couldn't be happier. And this is all without exercise. In 3 weeks time I will be on holiday and at home where I can start to exercise more, I hope I start melting off the pounds then. I hope I melt some more weight before then too!

If I can keep this up I will be at my goal weight in 17-18 weeks. Well, I've actually overshot there, I'm aiming to get down to 37kg and then I know I will be a rebound weight gain so I'm hoping to end up at 40kg.

I'm starting to really believe that I can actually do it!

you know you're in love when...

I feel that I must start off with a small disclaimer. I am not in love with a person. So I sincerely hope nobody was hoping to read about me falling in love with a boy.

I think the word "love" is bandied about like crazy these days. Everyone uses it and it's sort of lost it's meaning for me. I mean, I use it liberally. Maybe 10 times a day. And I just thought, if I use it that often, then when do I know when I actually mean it?

Anyway, that was a lame intro into what I really wanted to tell you about, and that was my day at work. See, to me, I know I love something if I lose sleep and appetite over it, if I'm spending more than half my day at it, if it exhausts me beyond what words can express, if it takes away my social life, if it places me in bad situations...and if at the end of all that it still puts a smile on my face and leaves me wanting more, then I love it.

I think you all know where I'm going with this. I've just started my surgical rotation. I've spent the past 16 hours working, standing, I probably sat for half an hour out of those 16. And for 4 of those 16 I spent with my team working on a patient who will die in the near future. My feet are so sore I'm limping. I now have to study to face my boss tomorrow. I'm facing a 12hour day tomorrow, and that's if I'm lucky.

I'm so tired I'm actually too tired to sleep. But I'm so happy. I love my job. At the end of the day, I'm not happy unless I'm in theatre. I need to be operating. That's where I belong.

But a happy side effect of all this is that I'm too busy to eat. And I'm "exercising". If standing all day counts as exercise.

For the past 2 weeks I've been on a 500-600cal per day diet. It's worked as well as I had calculated. I'm losing 1kg per week. Still, this isn't quite as fast as I'd like (not that I'm complaining, it'd just be extra good if I could go faster) so I've started a 300cal a day diet. This combined with surgery should make me lose more weight. That's what I'm hoping anyway. We'll see when I weigh myself at the end of the week.

But for now, I shall go and study my beloved surgery, or, or, I'll go to sleep and get up early to study.

thinspo quotes

If any of you are anything like me then there are times when Ana's voice just isn't as loud as it usually is. For me it's normally when I'm faced with a hash brown. Here is a collection of my favourite Ana quotes that help to get me through. I like to conjure up my chorus of voices. You'll find that I like to use positive means as opposed to negativity just because I find that works better for me.

There are a few self harm ones thrown in there just because I feel there are a whole lot of good self harm quotes out there. Just like to say now that I didn't write most of these quotes (some are mine though) and most are ones I've read online somewhere.

You're not defeated when you lose, you're only defeated when you quit! (let's face it, we all have a few slip ups every now and then, but getting back on the right track is what means something)

Food is the drug we must all quit.

The difference between need and want is self control.

Everything I want to be, I am, just buried under a layer of fat.

Perfection is easy, it equals not being fat.

Desire can be quelled by a single act of will.

Quod me nutrit, me destruit. (latin for what nourishes me, destroys me)

CALORIES CAN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!!!!

Sometimes you need to run away to see who will follow you.

It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothing is right.

You say I'm always happy, that I'm good at what I do. What you'll never realise is I'm a damn good actress too.

Tired of living and scared of dying.

I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.

Don't let food control you.

I had a hole in my heart so I threw away my plate, because nothing filled me up no matter what I ate.

And, one of my favourites ever ever ever...

Nothing tastes as good as feeling thin.

Remember my lovelies, think thin. I like to think of all the people who taunted me about my weight and laughed at me and said that no guy would ever want me. Then I imagine myself thin, and just picturing the looks of disbelief on their faces is good motivation for me to not eat.

Fasting is like one of the most powerful things you could ever do. It's not hard and soon the empty feeling becomes a feeling of power, not of pain. And you will learn that when you are hungry, you are in control, you are powerful and you are in charge of your destiny. And it's then that you believe you are not destined to always be fat, and then you understand that one day you will taste the sweet victory of being thin.