Wednesday, June 1, 2011

an interrogation. (and the best feeling in the world)

The best feeling in the world is when someone notices the weight loss. I really can't think of anything better. I love it when someone says that they think I've lost weight, or better, that I've lost a lot of weight. I experienced this the other day at work. Prof CNM said to me that he noticed I'd lost weight, and quite a lot of weight at that. At this point my heart is pounding and pounding and leaping out of my chest. I'm already getting the adrenalin rush from someone noticing my weight loss.

What's more, he's really concerned about it. He says that one in four women that he knows are anorexic and tells me to be careful because it's so easy for young women to tip into anorexia.

Now, I should say that I don't think I'm anorexic. I still eat quite a lot, albeit one meal a day. It feels like too much. I also don't exercise. I think that for me to be anorexic, I would have to eat no meals a day and exercise extensively. Mind you, I don't really remember the criteria for anorexia anymore, I should look it up in the DSM-IV but I can't be bothered. What I'm saying is that I don't think I'm anorexic. I probably have body image issues but not anorexia. I may yet develop it, I hope I do so that I lose more weight.

I don't know if that's denial right there or if I'm talking sense. At any rate, he was asking me how much weight I'd lost and why I was losing weight. He said that I didn't need to lose weight, that I shouldn't lose any more. He said that when he met me over the summer, I looked fine then and that's when I was 10kg heavier. I came home and looked at myself in the full length mirror and I still look very fat so I don't really understand what he's going on about. For about half a day (between the time we had this talk and when I looked in the mirror) I walked around thinking that some great miracle might have occurred and that I had actually lost enough weight to look thin.

He's the first person to notice that I've lost weight and actually be concerned about that. It actually flatters me because nobody cares enough about me to be concerned about me ever. It's a nice feeling to have someone concerned about me. Even though I would do absolutely anything in the world for Prof CNM but if anything, his reaction has motivated me to lose more weight.

But after this month I shan't be seeing Prof CNM much more so I have time to lose more weight. We'll see how things go.

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