fat and ugly

Fat and ugly.

Fat and ugly.

Fat and ugly.

Fat and ugly.

Fat and ugly.

So I was totally full of it a few weeks ago when I was all like, I wanna be at 49kg before I start my job with Prof. That job started a week ago. Then I was all like, if I fail that, I want to be 52kg when I start and then 49kg by the end of it. Well at the start of last week I was 53.5kg. So yup. EPIC FAIL.

And I am still fat and ugly. I don't even know what to think. I've failed so hard it disgusts me. I do try to keep optimistic about things because I know that when I get stressed I tend to eat lots and I know that being stressed leads to weight retention as well. It's not easy finding the silver lining in this situation. I guess I've got to try to hold onto the fact that I am shifting weight again and so I can lose more, even if I'm not losing as much as I'd like to.

I'm also aware that I'm approaching my lowest ever weight which is 52kg. Another reason I'm looking forward to this is because last time I weighed 52kg, there was a small gap between my thighs. I don't have a gap between my thighs right now, but I can feel that I'm close because right now my thighs are just touching, there is no disgusting roll of fat squashed up there, they just sort of touch. So another 1.5kg weight loss should definitely give me some sort of gap there, no matter how thin the gap is, I'll take it. We all have to start somewhere after all.

Maybe once I get a gap between my thighs I'll be motivated to lose weight faster. I don't know if it's possible for me to lose around 5kg in 3 weeks. It doesn't sound like much but given the trouble I've had lately I don't have much confidence. I think I need to start working out to shift the weight but I'm a bit dubious about that. One reason is because working out isn't part of my normal routine and I'm very much a creature of habit. Another reason is that I'm scared that once I work out I will have a bigger appetite and I will only lose weight if I don't eat any more and start burning more calories so I've got to make sure I can control my cravings.

Still, I am having to face the fact that at some point in time working out will have to become part of daily routine if I'm going to get thinner.

Right now, living at home makes it hard to fast. I have to eat dinner, although I'm thinking of ways to come home late this coming week so I can skip dinner too and like, proper liquid fast. If only for a few days. Then, after this when I move to yet another city for 6 weeks I will do some serious liquid fasting and hopefully just drop the weight. I want to be able to wear a pair of pants and still have an obvious gap between my thighs. When I get there, I will post a picture of myself on here, because that is definitely something to be proud of.