Monday, June 20, 2011
the need to be thin
What is it that drives my need to be thin? It's something that I sometimes struggle to answer myself. But now as I sit here with my stomach cramping from not eating all day, staring at my bowl of pad thai and wishing to not take another bite but also wishing to eat it all without needing to worry. It's a very odd place to be, and I'm sure I don't like it. I wish that I could never have another stomach cramp and that I could not be tempted by any food. I wish that I could just get by without any food at all and that I could have the pounds just melt off me. I hate having fat on me.
Yes I know that lots of people tell me that women should have curves. The problem is, I don't like curves. I don't want to be sexy, I want to be thin. I don't want to look womanly and desirable to men, I don't want any of that stuff that girls are supposed to want. I want to look thin. I don't know why this is so important to me but the fact of the matter is that at every moment of every day, whether I'm awake of dreaming, all I can think about is being thinner. It's always there, at the back of my mind and every time I see a thin woman I die inside of jealousy. I just want to crawl into a corner of shame and despair because I am not that thin. I envy the women who are naturally that thin, I really do.
But with all the stomach cramps and all the light headedness and the fatigue and the headaches and the muscle spasms, I am getting thinner. Thinner and weaker, but sure enough I am getting smaller. It's hard to describe why I would feel that this is a worthy trade off. But the rush I get from people telling me that I look thinner is second to none.
And as I look down at my pad thai now and realise that I've eaten 2/3 of it, I feel sick to my stomach. I still have stomach cramps but all I want to do now is to vomit it all back up again. I wish I hadn't eaten. I wish I could've sipped on 10 calorie soup and just ride out the pain. I am disappointed that I've eaten but at the same time I know that I needed it. All rational thinking has disappeared in me. This has almost become my one and only, second only to work and at time I'm not even sure if it is second to work.
Sometimes it's hard to face my own weight loss. To me it's never enough. While I still have fat on my body I want to lose weight. I hate the fact that when I bend over or sit my stomach pouches out. I hate that I can grab handfuls of fat around my body. I hate that I can't get my hands around my waist. I hate that I have to stretch up to see my ribs. I hate that I have to lie in a certain position to feel my hip bones. I hate that I can't see my spinous processes. All these things should be visible as is. And right now, none of them are. While I have made progress, I am still painfully far away from having all these things and I am deadly jealous of all women who have it naturally.
I am trying so very hard to get what I feel is the perfect body and I feel like I'm going nowhere. I have wanted a gap between my things all my life and time and time again it feels like I get so close but just out of reach and then I gain weight again. I can't express what I wouldn't give for that gap. I would give up holidays for the next few years, holidays and weekends and work on call nights all the time. Actually if I worked that hard and didn't get I'd probably get that gap.
It's also hard trying to lose weight over the winter. Actually, since the weather got colder my weight loss has all but vanished. If I could continue at the rate at which I lost it over the summer I would be very close to my goal weight by the end of winter. But it's not to be. But for the present time I am happy to not be gaining weight. For as long as I can remember I've gained weight over the winter and failed to lose it that summer so I'm pleased about the not gaining part. Mind you, winter has just begun so I've got to keep this up for a long time yet. Or at least hope to lose some weight.
Lots of people don't understand why I'm doing this. They said I looked fine before and yet compliment me when I've lost weight. So obviously I didn't look fine before if I'm looking now that I'm thinner. It's hard to know what people really think these days. I'm convinced that they lie to me to keep me feeling good about the way I look when in reality they think I could do with losing a few more pounds.