weight gain and weight loss

This is the winter of our discontent. 

My flatmate and I are suffering in our little world. She has failed her exams and now can no longer go on her big overseas trip at the end of the year. She's usually so upbeat and witty and fun, it's such a shock to see her crying and lethargic and dull. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be too upbeat and desperately try to cheer her up. But apparently the only alternative is to ignore it. I'm trying to strike a balance between the two of them and I'm not sure how successful I am being. Maybe she just needs time. 

A couple of things. Firstly, 76 followers???? When did that happen? HELLLOOOO!!!! Also, to my new followers and my old ones, blogger is just not telling me when all your blogs update so if you want me to follow your blog or check up on it, message me in the comments. Sometimes I'll log onto a blog and find lots of posts I've somehow missed. 

Next is that my weight is swinging wildly out of control. My flatmate's depression goes hand in hand with junk food and I've been binging like some pig. And this makes me very VERY itchy for laxies. I haven't taken laxies since the end of last year and I don't have any left but I really, really do want some. I want to take a handful of them because I'm pretty sure I'm blocked up. I swore off them but I really do crave them. I guess time will tell what happens.

The cutting is coming back with quite a vengeance. I've been wanting to cut for weeks now but have refrained until today. 5 cuts on my upper outer left thigh. My usual depth and my usual sort of cutting. It felt good, but it didn't feel like it was enough. I wanted to cut deeper, longer, and I wanted more cuts. I'm trying not to cut my abdomen because I've pretty much already guaranteed I will never wear a bikini again and so that really only leaves my thighs. I am desperate to cut my arms but it's summer and I don't want others to see them. 

I know I've gained weight, probably all the weight I lost so successful and with so much grandeur when I was vegan. I don't want to weigh myself. I think I will go through next week with vegan/fasts and maybe a few laxies before I subject myself to the scale again. 

I hope you girls are doing better than me. Love you all. 

the downward spiral

Christina, Glue, Anafly: thank you lovely ladies for your kind word on my last post. It really was a devastating moment for me. But you guys helped me get through it!

There are a couple of things that have happened. 

Firstly (most importantly) my weight is now 116lbs. I am 1lb away from my next goal weight. 

BOOOOOOYAH!!!!!

I didn't lose as much weight as I wanted to, I had really hoped to surpass my goal weight this week but I haven't been this small for such a long time and so I can't help but feel really happy. I'm also planning to keep this diet up so I'm hopefully I will hit my goal weight soon. It's not so hard to not eat that much food. It's not so hard to only eat vegetables. I will have to eat normally on weekends with family, but being vegan and hitting the gym on weekends is working pretty well for me! 

I'm pleased with the numbers. I do feel thinner. But there is still fat everywhere. I've got such a long way to go. But progress is progress and considering the troubles I've had with losing weight, I don't feel qualified to complain about a loss, no matter how small. 

Next, I went to see the professor today. Handed my project to YW. Who, for those of you with amazing memories, is the freaking thinnest girl I have ever met. The professor said he would give me some case reports to write up and publish later in the year when I'm not so busy. And that does make things a bit better. 

The professor and I are getting on better than ever. We were totally teasing YW today, and I think YW felt a little weird because her boss and me (her junior) were ganging up on her. And we convinced her that we ate cats and dogs. She looked at us as if we were complete freaks. And we looked at each other like we were part of some special club and she wasn't. It was like the weirdest bonding moment with the professor ever. 

He said I was looking really good today. A normal enough compliment for any normal girl. But apparently not me. I was like, so offended. I don't want to look good. I want him to say, "you look too thin", "you look like you've lost weight", "I am worried about your weight." 

I've lost 8lbs since I came back from Singapore. And he hasn't noticed at all. 

Still, the taste of being skinny is just soooo good. I can't wait to actually be really skinny, l can't being able to see my bones, of being able to feel bony. I want people to feel my bones. When the professor puts his arm around me I want him to feel ribs and spine. I want him to feel cheekbones when he kisses me. I want people to be able to see my collarbones sticking out when I walk towards them. I want to be the thinnest girl that people know. I want to be the thinnest. The skinniest. I want to be known as the thin one. I want to find it hard to buy clothes because everything is too big. 

Thin is all I want. So what if things with the professor are all good. So what. None of it makes any difference while I'm fat. It's only good if I'm thin. 

I will be thin. I've been losing weight again. I will get to 115lbs next week. Then I will get to 110lbs in another few weeks. Then after that, 100lbs. Then, I will be in the double digits. DOUBLE DIGITS!!!! 

For now the scale is my friend. 

debts to be paid

So. Just when it was all going so well. One day ruined it all. 

In all honesty, I probably didn't do that much damage in a day. I'm still vegan, all I did was eat an amazing amount of vegetables but I was so full. So disgusting and full. It's been a long time since I was that full. 

This is how I've changed over time. Now I feel disgusting when I'm full. I feel like a failure. I don't feel right unless I feel empty and hungry. I hate the feeling of having anything in my bowels. I hate the feeling of knowing that I ate something. I just hate it all. I just want to be empty and light, floating on a cloud, beautiful and thin. 

Bones and bones and bones. 

Delicate and fragile.

Yet strong. Starve on. I can do something they can't do.

What is size? Does it even matter? It's not enough anymore. It's not enough for numbers to tell me that I'm small. So what if I lost weight? It doesn't matter because I still feel as fat and ugly as I did when I was at my heaviest. I'm only happy when I'm empty. Only then can I step on the scales and pray to the clouds above that the number is lower than last time. 

After several upbeat posts, I'm afraid I have to lumber you girls with another downer. I was planning for this post to be upbeat as well but I got some bad news about a paragraph into writing it. And since reading that email from the professor, I've decided not to sleep tonight and to numb myself as best I can. 

My hands shake. Partly because I've been working hard at the gym. 

Partly because of the shock. 

I can't feel my heartbeat anymore. 

The kiss of the cold metal on my skin. The redness tells me I'm still alive. 

I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. 

I've worked hard. I've worked hard for my papers. To be taken off one of them is almost too much to bear. Yes, it's not my fault that the machine kept breaking. Yes, it would be better for me to have more time to focus on this year instead of working in the weekends. Yes, my name will still be on the paper. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 

But to ask me to not work on it anymore. 

Why would he do this to me? 

I can't believe that it's because he's concerned about me being too busy. I would have happily worked myself to death for that paper. 

To call it a "crushing blow" isn't sufficient. It's not a crushing blow. 

It's confirmation. I didn't win the Ophthalmology prize because I wasn't smart enough or good enough to get the marks for it. 

I got taken off the paper because I didn't work hard enough to stay on. 

I'm just not enough for this career. I think it's time for me to just face the facts and start looking for another area for me to specialise in. 

What's the point in clinging onto hope with my teeth and nails if I know it's all futile? 

I want to curl into a ball and die. I'm pretty sure I'm halfway there already. 

What is the point in food? 

What is the point in eating when all this is going on? 

I wish I could cry. 

Red tears are for when real tears aren't enough. 

And now for something completely different! 

I hate to leave you girls on such a low note. I try to be upbeat, after all, one of the points of this blog is to perhaps inspire readers to continue with their efforts. 

A friend and I went to Abercrombie and Fitch today. It's one of the only American stores in this country and so I think of it as a good way to gauge my size. Most of the time I don't know what size 0 means. I have no idea how big it is, or how big it is compared with how I am right now. I also don't like converting NZ sizes to UK or US sizes because each website tells me something slightly different and I find it safer to just try on actual US sized clothing instead of trying to rationalise my way into it. 

Long story short, I tried on some stuff at Abercrombie and Fitch...I ended up buying a pair of XS yoga pants. And I almost bought a pair of shorts. That were a size 0. In all honesty, those shorts fit me, but would look a lot better if I lost another 5-10lbs. It's still nice to know that I can fit a size 0, even if it is with some squashing. 

Hopefully that gives some of you a better idea of what size I am. Thank you to Christina, loveylou and strive4perfection for your lovely comments on my last blog post!