Sunday, March 4, 2012

feed my will to feel my moment, drawing way outside the lines.

Reaching out to embrace the random, reaching out to embrace whatever may come. 

Firstly, thank you Christina for that advice. I do try to do that sometimes and while I must say I never fully understand it, it does temporarily provide me with enough insight to at least know on a superficial level that people care about me. I might not take it in at all, but knowing it at all does help. 

There is a lot that I've been thinking about recently. And for the sake of my own sanity and ability to understand a life that is starting to spiral out in all directions, I will list the things that I have been pondering. 

1. My recent weight gain/lack of weight loss. 

There are not too many ways that I can look at this in a positive light. While I'd like to say that this was largely because I have been forcing myself to eat 3 meals a day in an attempt to stave off the collapsing episodes that I have been having, I have to admit that it is also because that I have been using a legitimate attempt to recover from illness as an excuse to eat. 

By default, I am not allowed to eat. And this is the setting that I have operated on for the past year and a half. There are times that I am allowed to eat, mostly these are times where I must eat in order to stop people worrying. Being on a setting where I am allowed to eat all the time, especially when I feel faint (which was all the time) meant I suddenly started eating everything that I wanted to. 

Like I was trying to make up for a year and a half of holding back. I lost all control and just ate like a little pig. And so I gained weight. I'm not surprised. I knew I was going to gain weight. But I allowed myself to slip, all under the guise of recovering from fainting spells. 

2. What I am going to do about this backward slide. 

At the end of the day, the basis of my entire problem can be reduced to a simple equation. If I eat more than I burn off, I will gain weight. As far as concepts go, it doesn't get much simpler than that. So the answer to this question is simple as well. Eat less. Work out more. 

How to fit that in is a rather different issue. Now that I've had an episode of binging, I'm stuck on that mode. I'm always hungry. All I can think about is food. And what else I can cook and what else I can eat and how I can scrimp on money to buy more food. It's ruining me financially. I have to just buy food once a week, and no more and just eat what I have. 

It's not much, but it's step one towards control. 

3. The cutting. 

Now this is probably the one that is the hardest fix of all. I'm writing this post as I pluck my eyebrows and I remember the first time I did it. It hurt so much that it made my eyes water and I wondered why women put themselves through this hell regularly just to have better eyebrows. Now I barely feel it and plucking my eyebrows is just part of my routine. Cutting is just like that. Now it is just part of my routine. 

There is no doubt that I cut more as I get more stressed out. As far as I am concerned, it is a really effective method of stress control. I don't really see a problem with it. My problem is that society doesn't seem to hold the same view as me. I'm running out of places to cut. My abdomen is bearing the brunt of it, but my scars aren't fading at all and I find myself cutting deeper and deeper. So much for the many sets of bikinis that I own. But at least winter is approaching. 

4. The help/the temptation/the burden/the professor. 

Those things are all and the same to me. There are so many issues around this that I don't even know how to start thinking about it. 

You will know that the professor offered to help me. But since I put on such a happy performance, he seems to have happily forgotten about it. I'm sure that the only reason I think that is because I don't see him very often. I'm sure that if I saw him every day I would realise that he has very much not forgotten and is carefully watching me. I think he thinks I am slowly getting myself better. And that pleases him. 

I don't want to worry him. But as I cut and binge and restrict and exercise, all I want to do is to go crawling to him and ask for help. No. It doesn't even go that far. All I want to do is to go crawling to him and have him pick me up and hold me so that I will feel safe. 

He is busy. Very busy. And to ask for time, to ask to be part of his personal life, to let him into the dark, dark depths that I dwell in is just too much. On some level, one more thing added to a million things to worry about isn't very significant. But I don't want to be "not very significant". But I also don't want to be a burden. 

Each day I am more and more tempted to write to him. And tell him that I'm not doing so well. To be held and comforted by a daddy, a different daddy to the one who caused me so much pain. But when I am in front of him, I can't help but smile and say that I am okay. It's not in my programming to tell people that I'm not okay. 

I want him to know. But I don't want to tell him. I want him to know without me telling him anything. 

Each day I feel like I am pinning too much hope on him. He can't be expected to fix me. Only I can fix me. 

5. The end of days.

When you realise how easy it can be to take your own life, in that moment the world seems to pause for you and you are filled with terror and power at the same time. I try to think of all the people who might give a toss. What would my flatmate do? She'd have to give up our current flat and go somewhere else because she certainly wouldn't afford a place like this on her own. 

My parents would be lumbered with the massive debt that I've accumulated during my education. My co-authors would be lumbered with the papers I've left half finished. 

Once that is sorted out, I will have a clearer mind. But on some nights, I don't think the guilt of letting people down is enough. Some nights, at some ungodly hour, I am awake in bed, literally twitching with the desire to drive out and find my train. It would be so easy. But no. I won't. Not just yet. Right now, there are other things that I have to take care of. 


  1. firstly, at to comment on your comment in this comment box (fucking comment repetition): i'm glad to say that P is so, SO busy right now that not only do i barely get to see her, but also, whenever i do, it's always: WORK, WORK, WORK. whilst that is displeasing, it's also empowering, because we can't talk about it and i can prolong the subject as long as possible.
    baaabe. i so don't 'consistently' do well. i'm still like...ever since i started this blog, i've lost around 6.3-7.5lbs(my scale is so fluctuating) since May. and right now, this is the longest i've kept it off (three days. wow).
    but i do feel like i finally, finally, FINALLY got back into control and routine.
    i don't feel like there's a word in the dictionary called 'binging' at all. :3
    AND DUDDEEE. THAT WAS TOTALLY WAS I WAS TRYING TO DO. get you both sad and happy. the fic is drama/humour after all. i think i wanted to pull off both. they said it couldn't be done!
    and we'd all want to have Kurt as a best friend. 0__0 but if he starts talking about shoes, i'm gonna hit him. he's the most believable lesbian i've ever seen.
    and sweetheart, i didn't drop 'a ton of weight' or dress sizes. well, yeah...if you count me disappearing from my high weight to this weight. that's actually *calculates* a 66.3-67.5 (fucking fluctuating scale) then yeah, but ever since May, i've only dropped 6.3-7.5lbs. which is quite sad D:.
    alright. alright. time to read this long post, and even make a longer comment. ;)

    lovely. you sound so intellectual. like hidden textbook knowledge on printed ink. <3
    wowza, babe. i have the worst case of hypo sometimes. pounding headache, dizziness, can't even stand up without thinking i'm gonna to fucking faint. stand up, walk around, head pounds harder, see gray spots in front of my eyes so i stop to try and catch my breath for a while. i just sleep. a lot. like i can easily come back from school sleep for four hours, wake up, do my work, then sleep for more hours. but i don't think you can do that with how busy you are. another thing i used to do is excessive exercise to offset overeating. i mean like i would burn off an entire pizza, and a jar of Nutella. that would require exercising at like 2-3AM sometimes. December 2010. purge-exercise in words.
    you know what i do? for me, fainting spells are because my glucose levels are too low. honey is a good thing for me. like in my tea, and oatmeal, and on bread. i have a teaspoon. granted, it's only enough for an hour, but it lessens my headaches severely.
    (comment too big, see next comment. only Sam...)

  2. :( awe, love. cutting is one of the things i can't stand. a lot of people can't stand purging (Piggy uses it against me - says she won't cut if i won't purge) and i can't understand how someone would hurt so bad that they'd mar their so perfect skin, mar it with scars, and words that are unsaid. but then again, so hypocritical, Sammy, because that's how i mar my insides out when i purge. and it's such a beautiful feeling i can't tell you to stop, but please, do i encourage you to cut down on it. because your sweet little Asian skin doesn't deserve the burnt of the sharp blade.
    your professor is my J. i noticed this. because J is my professor (given she's a woman), and she used to encourage my weight loss, then find it weird i lose so much weight all of the time but because i haven't lost a thing (she just thinks it's some sort of metabolic crap that goes on with my body). that, and everyone thinks i starve myself. constantly. i just go all like 'NOOO.' once J, and M and i were standing there, and M was passing around a plate of cookies, and she asked me if i wanted one. i declined. J just raised an eyebrow at M and then stated 'you're asking HER if she wants to eat?'
    and now. you marked on J quite well. see, i see a lot of my Father in J, strict, unable to please, but on another hand, sweet and gentle to those who she wants to be. i'm not in that circle. and i want to be held too. i'm not gonna get that kind of comfort from my Father so i find a different one, someone as similar, someone to please.
    J doesn't see me aspiring to become as lithe as possible. she sees my physique, unchnaging under masses of huge Senior sweatshirts. i'm just thinking i can get down a bit more, just a bit more, until she questions it a bit more worryingly.
    my anxiety is linked to letting people down. i have horrible attacks and fears that i'll disappoint them all. and the thing is: i didn't have an anxiety problem before i had shown a bit of disordered eating.
    and do take care of them, sweetheart. i wish you so much.
    -Sam Lupin
    PS. *kissing cheek* <3 and pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like you're less than less than perfect to me. (and yes, a PINK song of all fucking things but i'm thinking of when KLAINE sings it. ;3)