Wednesday, March 14, 2012
there is a hole in my heart so I threw away my plate
There is a hole in my heart, so I threw away my plate. Because nothing filled me up, no matter what I ate.
It's a mantra that I wish I could adopt more easily. I recently heard someone say that starving is easy but eating is difficult because the more they eat, the hungrier they get. It's a statement that seems to sum up my life to a T right now. If I don't get, I can easily go on not eating. But once I start eating, some strange force just takes hold of me and mechanically and unemotionally I will continue shoveling food into my mouth until there is no more food left.
I can really only describe it as akin to telekinesis or hypnosis. I can honestly say that while I am binging I am not fully away of what I am doing. But my limbs move, automatic. Like an intense state of concentration, it is all consuming. Literally.
That is how I find myself on the treadmill at the gym. By the time I've burned 50calories, I'm already feeling numb and giddy. But 50calories doesn't even cover half the chocolate eclair I ate. One of several chocolate eclairs. On top of many other things that I've eaten today. In my head I am screaming at the gym equipment. Why won't the calorie count go up faster? Surely I've burned off more calories than that by now? An hour at the gym and 400cal burned, not even half of what I had for lunch. Don't get me started on how much I had at dinner.
But the bliss of not eating, how I love the feeling of absolute power. How I long for it. But alas, it seems that I am not to experience it for a long time...
...yesterday morning was the weekly X-ray meeting. It's about an hour long and all the surgical teams are there, looking through the x-rays and CTs and ultrasound scans of the more difficult diagnostic challenges. A meeting of the minds. However, it is a small room, with not enough seats. The hierarchy is strong. The consultants sit, then the registrars, then the house officers. The few left over seats are for the trainee interns who arrive earliest. All others must stand. And I was standing.
My flatmate and I looked on with some curiosity, listening to matters that were far too complex for us to understand, but interesting all the same. Towards the end of the meeting, I felt myself start to sway. Focussing with all my might, I spent all my energy on staying upright. I was not about to allow myself to faint in front of a room full of surgeons.
Anyway, I managed to hold it together. Later that night my flatmate told me that she had seen me swaying and had been bracing herself for carrying me out of the room if I had collapsed. I've been collapsing so much recently.
With the smallest exertion, I feel a rising fatigue. Like molten lead seeping into my muscles, they become heavier with each step I take. Running up and down the stairs with my surgical team is almost impossible and working out at the gym takes up all my motivation and energy. I should be able to lose at least 500cal at the gym in an hour. But I can barely manage 400cal.
But I must go to the gym to work off at least some of my binge. But when I go, I start the next day already shattered, and so then I go to eat, and end up binging, then I have to gym, which makes me tired...the cycle of death continues. I don't really know what to do.