Wednesday, March 14, 2012

there is a hole in my heart so I threw away my plate

There is a hole in my heart, so I threw away my plate. Because nothing filled me up, no matter what I ate. 

It's a mantra that I wish I could adopt more easily. I recently heard someone say that starving is easy but eating is difficult because the more they eat, the hungrier they get. It's a statement that seems to sum up my life to a T right now. If I don't get, I can easily go on not eating. But once I start eating, some strange force just takes hold of me and mechanically and unemotionally I will continue shoveling food into my mouth until there is no more food left. 

I can really only describe it as akin to telekinesis or hypnosis. I can honestly say that while I am binging I am not fully away of what I am doing. But my limbs move, automatic. Like an intense state of concentration, it is all consuming. Literally. 

That is how I find myself on the treadmill at the gym. By the time I've burned 50calories, I'm already feeling numb and giddy. But 50calories doesn't even cover half the chocolate eclair I ate. One of several chocolate eclairs. On top of many other things that I've eaten today. In my head I am screaming at the gym equipment. Why won't the calorie count go up faster? Surely I've burned off more calories than that by now? An hour at the gym and 400cal burned, not even half of what I had for lunch. Don't get me started on how much I had at dinner. 

But the bliss of not eating, how I love the feeling of absolute power. How I long for it. But alas, it seems that I am not to experience it for a long time...

...yesterday morning was the weekly X-ray meeting. It's about an hour long and all the surgical teams are there, looking through the x-rays and CTs and ultrasound scans of the more difficult diagnostic challenges. A meeting of the minds. However, it is a small room, with not enough seats. The hierarchy is strong. The consultants sit, then the registrars, then the house officers. The few left over seats are for the trainee interns who arrive earliest. All others must stand. And I was standing. 

My flatmate and I looked on with some curiosity, listening to matters that were far too complex for us to understand, but interesting all the same. Towards the end of the meeting, I felt myself start to sway. Focussing with all my might, I spent all my energy on staying upright. I was not about to allow myself to faint in front of a room full of surgeons. 

Anyway, I managed to hold it together. Later that night my flatmate told me that she had seen me swaying and had been bracing herself for carrying me out of the room if I had collapsed. I've been collapsing so much recently. 

With the smallest exertion, I feel a rising fatigue. Like molten lead seeping into my muscles, they become heavier with each step I take. Running up and down the stairs with my surgical team is almost impossible and working out at the gym takes up all my motivation and energy. I should be able to lose at least 500cal at the gym in an hour. But I can barely manage 400cal. 

But I must go to the gym to work off at least some of my binge. But when I go, I start the next day already shattered, and so then I go to eat, and end up binging, then I have to gym, which makes me tired...the cycle of death continues. I don't really know what to do. 


  1. Sorry to hear about the binge. I get what you mean with how your limbs just force food into your mouth. I'm like that, that if I eat anything over my calorie limit I will just keep eating and eating. It's disgusting but I can't help myself.

    I'm sure a few days of exercising will make up for this. You can't expect to work it off in one day. Belive me I've tried. There are only so many hours in the day to get rid of those horrible calories.

    Take care dear.

  2. I totally relate to what you were saying about your inner dialogue at the gym! I watch the numbers of calories go down (you set a target on my machine) and every time I feel like I can't go anymore, my legs are going to fall off, I'll pass out or whatever I just keep reminding myself of all the food I ate, and how I didn't say no then, so I can't say no now.
    I'll binge until I'm in pain, to the point where I can't sit up because my stomach is so full and rock hard and pregnant I can't move. That pain means I need to cause more pain to make up for it, harder and harder I'll push myself.
    I love that focus you describe when you're exercising, I feel like it's one of the only times my brain will shut off for a few minutes, all I need to focus on is breathing and keeping my limbs moving. It's great.
    I'm sorry about your collapsing spells, I hope it remedies soon. If you aren't already, try taking vitamin supplements. Calorie-free goodness that helps your body function and maybe the spells will disappear?
    love always,

  3. Be careful hun!! I hate to hear that you've been collapsing a lot lately. Please take care of yourself. I too feel the same about eating...skipping meals makes it easy to keep my calorie count low. It's when I start to eat a meal that there is no stopping. I'll go into it thinking "I'm just going to eat half of this sandwich a piece of fruit" and then I eat the whole sandwich, a piece of fruit, and whatever else I find to eat! I'm not quite sure why that happens...

    What do you do on the treadmill? Walk or run? I've just recently started with the treadmill and my legs are so sore!! I've been doing a 5 min power walk, 10 min jog, 5 min power walk, 5 min run, 5 min power walk. I generally burn around 300 something doing that (according to the machine that is).