Friday, March 23, 2012

H-E-L-P help me, help me

I wish I had a gentle mind and a spine made of iron. 

Oh my fellow skinny-lovers, you have guided me thus far in my journey and have not lead me astray. Lead me not into temptation! 

I need help. Muscle connects to the bone and bone to the marrow and ire. I wish I had a gentle mind and a spine made of iron. H-E-L-P. Help me. Help me. 

It's currently one of my favourite songs and the mantra the defines how I feel about my current situation. 

A recent change in circumstance has sent me spiraling into a world of confusion and I can't even begin to think straight. I don't know what to do. Help me. 

Today, one of my friends, let's call him Ben, asked me out. I don't quite understand what this means. I thought he was joking for the longest time, but then he just flat out told me that he's interested and that now it's just up for me to respond however I want to. I don't quite understand what that means either. 

All I know is that I am filled with a sense of dread. For the first time in a very long time, I have absolutely no idea what is going on. I don't even know what to think of it. 

My first instinct is of course to say NOOOOOOOOOO. But then again, I think a bit more about the situation. Ben is a really nice guy. A REALLY nice guy. And we get along quite well. And he's kind of cute, in a little boy sort of way. It's not as if I haven't thought about dating him. On the more boring moments on the ward round, when he is joking with me and standing really close, I can imagine him wrapping an arm around me and giving me a quick hug. 

But I also know that Ben is the sort of guy who falls for girls really easily. REALLY easily. I also know that he really wants a girlfriend. And out of the people that he sees most often, in our rotation group, there are a few couples, the only single girls are me and my flatmate and I know she isn't his type. So he almost has to like me by default. 

I don't trust that he likes me for me. I think that he likes me because there is no one else to like. I don't want to hurt him because he is my friend and a really nice guy, but I also don't want to lead him on and then upset him later. 

Yet at the same time some crazy part of me is in a frenzy. I'd love to know what it feels like to have a boyfriend. I know Ben would be a great boyfriend. He would be so caring and supportive. I'd love to know what it feels like to be cuddled and kissed. 

I would not be so cruel as to drop him in the middle of my weight loss attempts and the cutting and the depression and the suicidal ideation. I don't know. 


Help me. Help me. 


  1. Go on a date with him and see how it goes. Don't overthink it.

  2. Oh my fellow skinny-lovers, you have guided me thus far in my journey and have not lead me astray. Lead me not into temptation! <--i read that...i read that in a very, very Shakespearian voice. sorry.

    i'm a kid. what do you expect?

    i think...i believe first instinct is always right. if your first instinct says no, then no. but WtSmF can be might hit it off on the date. might not.

    you sound like an anxious mess, beautiful.

    also. i have been meaning to ask you something. metallic taste in my mouth, kind of flu (mild fever, headache that may be related to my hypoglycaemia or not), a really dry sore throat, and i feel like something's swollen. i don't know what but it kind of hurts to swallow. i also have a stuffy nose. is that normal??? should i get that checked??

    yeah. you're like my Doctor right now. the only reason i don't ask my Dad, whose also a Doctor, is that i'm worried it's something related to my eating disorderedness and i don't want him to catch on on that. also. i'm on my period (if that affects anything). :)

    -Sam Lupin

  3. total response to your comment:

    i also need the revision. ahahaha. i, who used to hate genetics, am now just glad that there's something in the world called a genotype and a phenotype because i've got that hands down! and gaaaah. i memorised the 28-cycle graph. i'm ready to die from so much Bio half the time.

    there's like a 5-6 year difference between you and me. cool.

    wow. i think i've been watching too much House since now i think that every symptom i show is a sudden diagnosis for lupus. xD. aweee. you'd give me a blood test and various other things? i can already tell you my BP is like 109/71 and that's just because i own a sphygmomanometer. and i'm pretty sure that because i'm own my period, my RBC count will be a bit lower because i'm losing blood due to periodness. cool. :D i'm glad. if it's just the flu, then i've got a good amount of medicine. (my Father's a Doctor, my Mother's an x-ray specialist - this house is FULL of medication.)

    awee. you called me honey bunny. ^u^

    -Sam Lupin

  4. go with him and see how it goes. You've got nothing to lose hun.