I open my email. I close it. I open it again. "New Message" - click. I stare at the blank message screen for a few moments and then give up. I close my email and resolve to write it tomorrow. A daily ritual that progresses a varying amount each day. Some days I might type a few lines, other days I won't even open a blank message.
The idea of seeing him terrifies me. And I try to talk myself round to it. Remember all the times he's driven you to your car because he doesn't want you to walk alone in the dark. Remember how upset he gets when you tell him some guy was being lewd. Remember how much you love his hugs. Remember the good times. I smile, but no, I can't email him today.
The professor crosses my mind every day, but more and more often when I know that I will inevitably have to meet him. A wild flutter of goals floats around my head. Should I be trying to lose more weight? Or should I try to gain a few pounds so that I'm a bit fatter when I see him? Should I talk about my weight loss? Or my cutting? Should I mention the suicidal thoughts? And what will he do if I talk about one or any of the above?
I will have to see him next weekend. If not next weekend, then the week after that when I am on holiday. I'm so, so scared of it. The past few times have been okay, but things have changed a lot since then. My mindset has changed since then and I'm terrified that he'll notice.
The conversation falters and he's giving me a strange look. If it wasn't for that look, I wouldn't have noticed that I've stopped talking. The effort of keeping up the conversation is almost too much. When our lunch arrives, it's all that matters in this world. I eat the salad, that part is easy. Lettuce and tomatoes, easy to eat, so guilt free. It's the panini that trips me up. Carbs. One of the roots of evil. I nibble at it, unable to think about much else.
He can see my struggle, but he also sees that I've gained weight and his mind is put to rest. He doesn't mention anything during lunch but he grabs me before I get into his car. "It's abnormal. Tell yourself that. Repeat after me. It's abnormal."
That was last time. This time, I'll have to use all my willpower just to force myself to eat. I don't know if I can hold things together. I'll have to try. I don't want to do anything that will perk his concern, and this isn't the concern of a normal person, this is the concern of someone who is acutely aware of eating disorders.
I open my email. I close it again. Maybe tomorrow.
Meanwhile I'm mentally preparing for a harrowing week. I intend to tackle my weight head on starting tomorrow. Gym. Many sessions. And almost no food. I want to be eating around 300cal each day, and burning off at least 450cal. If I can stand it, I will be fasting for several days. I want to lose weight this week, and I want to get below 120lbs. I want to lose a lot of weight. Get this journey started. I will be 100lbs by the end of August, even if it kills me.
The idea of seeing him terrifies me. And I try to talk myself round to it. Remember all the times he's driven you to your car because he doesn't want you to walk alone in the dark. Remember how upset he gets when you tell him some guy was being lewd. Remember how much you love his hugs. Remember the good times. I smile, but no, I can't email him today.
The professor crosses my mind every day, but more and more often when I know that I will inevitably have to meet him. A wild flutter of goals floats around my head. Should I be trying to lose more weight? Or should I try to gain a few pounds so that I'm a bit fatter when I see him? Should I talk about my weight loss? Or my cutting? Should I mention the suicidal thoughts? And what will he do if I talk about one or any of the above?
I will have to see him next weekend. If not next weekend, then the week after that when I am on holiday. I'm so, so scared of it. The past few times have been okay, but things have changed a lot since then. My mindset has changed since then and I'm terrified that he'll notice.
The conversation falters and he's giving me a strange look. If it wasn't for that look, I wouldn't have noticed that I've stopped talking. The effort of keeping up the conversation is almost too much. When our lunch arrives, it's all that matters in this world. I eat the salad, that part is easy. Lettuce and tomatoes, easy to eat, so guilt free. It's the panini that trips me up. Carbs. One of the roots of evil. I nibble at it, unable to think about much else.
He can see my struggle, but he also sees that I've gained weight and his mind is put to rest. He doesn't mention anything during lunch but he grabs me before I get into his car. "It's abnormal. Tell yourself that. Repeat after me. It's abnormal."
That was last time. This time, I'll have to use all my willpower just to force myself to eat. I don't know if I can hold things together. I'll have to try. I don't want to do anything that will perk his concern, and this isn't the concern of a normal person, this is the concern of someone who is acutely aware of eating disorders.
I open my email. I close it again. Maybe tomorrow.
Meanwhile I'm mentally preparing for a harrowing week. I intend to tackle my weight head on starting tomorrow. Gym. Many sessions. And almost no food. I want to be eating around 300cal each day, and burning off at least 450cal. If I can stand it, I will be fasting for several days. I want to lose weight this week, and I want to get below 120lbs. I want to lose a lot of weight. Get this journey started. I will be 100lbs by the end of August, even if it kills me.
Hey, yh I haven't been on blogger for ages!!! Missed your blog though, did anything ever happen with the professor? I fell in love with someone but trying to get over it as he wasn't the right one. So thats crap, I think it helps with the weight loss though! Hows everything going? xo
ReplyDeleteit's so hard, isn't it? wondering, drifting in the thoughts.
ReplyDeleteGosh that lose/gain mindset is so familiar.
He can see my struggle, but he also sees that I've gained weight and his mind is put to rest. He doesn't mention anything during lunch but he grabs me before I get into his car. "It's abnormal. Tell yourself that. Repeat after me. It's abnormal." <--this nearly makes me cry.
oh, baby.
<3
your determination is beautiful.
i wasn't expecting them to react like that at all. that's what sinks in the way it does. it disturbs me. i had thought that this wasn't even possible that they might react this way.
i love you too. <3 really. i do.
-Sam Lupin