Monday, January 28, 2013

Day 1: my Mark.


Day 1: I've decided that I need to try to make more of an effort with this. Today is day 1 of my new plan to get skinny. It's partially motivated by a post I saw on Facebook from a girl who I once knew in high school. It said that she had lost 4kg and her thighs were no longer touching. Now I've always thought of her as a particularly thin girl and to think that she's making such an effort makes me feel ill. 

Part of the reason behind me not posting here much is that I've largely fallen off the wagon. Not only that, while I was off, I enjoyed being off. This is probably the closest I've ever been to not having an ED and I have loved it. It's been extremely liberating to just grab whatever and eat it and enjoy eating and not to count calories or think about consequences of gaining weight. 

So I've gained weight. That's what happens when you restrict and restrict and just give up and eat everything you want to. Faaaaaaaaah, none of my clothes fit any more and this is a big problem when said clothing includes Marc Jacobs and Miu Miu and Lanvin and Aubin and Wills and more. Several thousand pounds of clothing. That I can't fit. This is just intolerable. 

Anyway, my new effort includes working out and dieting, there is no other secret really. I know I'm eating too much. So I must stop. I'm tempted to just stop eating altogether although that would still cause a lot of trouble at work. At any rate, less food is the answer and working out is also the answer. I figure there must be a way of finding half an hour in my day to work out. 

But before I end this post all about weight loss and ED, I want to tell you all about Mark. He is one of the best men in the entire world as far as I'm concerned. He is the infectious diseases specialist and stays late to look after my patients and sends me home. He's one of the most intelligent people that I know and is always so nice to me when I call him for advice. He never thinks of me as stupid and always writes down the name of the patient I tell him about so that he can go and look them up later. 

Mark is also reasonably dishy. In a way that not many people would agree with me. Apparently I really do have a type. A type that means that most females aren't going to fight me for these guys. Although Mark is great, so great. Makes me feel looked after in an odd way. I don't know why, but I want to lose weight for him. Is that odd? It must be reasonably common. I mean, we're not dating, we don't even have that much of a professional relationship. We're borderline colleagues. And I want to lose weight for him?

In my head, I imagine the two of us sitting together. He'll put his arms around me and I will rest my head on his shoulder. And for some reason, that particular fantasy needs me to be stick thin. I need to be stick thin for him. None of it makes any sense to me but that is really how I feel. 


  1. You sound like you are doing well
    Hang on to those good feelings x

  2. I can totally relate. I feel like my ed takes a turn for the worse when my boyfriend and I have something special coming up, or if he says something odd. But particularly whenever I meet a new guy I like I feel like I always need to lose weight for them, because then I will be incredibly irresistible, and therefore there is no chance of rejection. If I am rejected, then it points to a sense of worthlessness and another downward spiral.
    You're not alone
    love always

  3. i hate those girls
    that R girl i was making posts you about weighs 39 kilos with boots and clothes on so i can only imagine what she actually weighs naked. it's disgusting and i hate her. i also hate her for trying to pass off as 'anorexic' and 'bulimic.' fucking fuck. the people in med school are still like the people in high school. shove a dick in their ass for the most bit.
    ......omg. the whole 'your clothes don't fit' thing. first day in college. i have a closet that is three doors that is just filled to the brim with clothing and about 2-4 outfits fit. it was the worst feeling in the universe.
    awwww im just imaginging him now :3
    and loveylou is right. i want to lose weight just because this bitch R is always talking about how anorexic she is [she eats like an elephant - actually, that's an insult to the elephant] and my self-esteem restrains me from just walking up to her and going like 'YOU KNOW THE DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA FOR ANOREXIA IS-' we might do an ED seminar. i hope so.
    anyway, on any accord, it's definitely NOT weird. especially not to us, especially because we will find all the reasons to lose more weight.
    -Sam Lupin