Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Day 2: I want to fuck you like an animal.
"You let me penetrate you. You let me complicate you."
So here is the start of day 2 and I've decided that a neat way to keep track of dinner calories is just to have a bag of noodles. Let them sit in water for extra long so that they puff up and take up more room. Makes me feel like I'm eating heaps. Still too much, but I feel like I'm making progress just by getting into the right frame of mind for losing weight. And doesn't that come easily.
They say you never forget how to ride a bike. Well, I never knew how to, but I sure as hell know how to restrict. I've been thinking, and going on a fluid diet shouldn't be that difficult. I can tell my parents that I ate dinner at work so that I could work out as soon as I get home. I could tell my colleagues that I eat dinner and a big breakfast so I don't want to have lunch. I could just drink bottle upon bottle of coke zero and cup after cup of coffee.
Really, when I think about, it's not that hard. Frightening, how quickly it all comes back. The planning, the desire the execution. Frightening. How the fear comes back. Anything with a calorie count in the triple digits feels like far too much. It scares me because it is such a big number. In the hundreds! It seems ludicrous to eat that much! But I've been eating in the thousands and that fact makes me feel slightly giddy.
And then there's Mark. "I've come to see your patient." And I smile at him as he approaches me and he smiles right back. I'm literally on my knees in front of him (because there are no chairs left and my back hurts too much for me to bend over and write) and in a really perverted way it feels kind of right.
Mark is probably the least "dirty" looking guy that I've ever had a crush on, and for some reason, he's the one who makes me think the most dirty thoughts. There is something about the way he smiles, and the way he looks, and the way he talks that just does SOMETHING to me. He's older, although I have no idea by how much. And someone once told me that besides being incredibly intelligent, he is also a rocker at heart. When he was younger, he had long hair and dressed all in black. There is something about that that just drives me mad.
It's like I think somewhere inside the neat and calm facade is that rocker, lying in wait and that would make him a great fuck. Don't get me wrong, I really do like him as a person too. He's amazing, amazing and I would dearly love to date him. But it really is the sexual magnetism that hits me first. I want to jump on him. Or I want him to jump on me. Or for us to jump on each other and collide and smash into a thousand little shards.
I've never had sex, I have no idea what it might feel like, but damn, he sure makes me want to find out.