Sunday, January 6, 2013

the inverse of everything

"It's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain."

Everything in my life is turning out to be the inverse. It seems so unreasonable but there is no point in moping about it. If you're unhappy about something, then do something to make it different. 

I wish I didn't have this fucking ED. My life would be half a miserable if it was gone. It's so distracting and demands attention, though I don't want to give it any. Still, persistently, it floats up behind every moment of every day and I can't help but notice. As soon as I get home, I'm in front of my mirror, trying on clothes that are too small, tugging and pull at myself, looking at how fat I am. After a busy and stressful day at work, this is hardly ideal. 

I just don't understand it. I don't understand why my ED should rear its head now. The busier I get at work, the louder it seems to get. I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, work would help me to forget about it, and that the longer I forgot about it, the more it would just melt away. I just can't get the balance right in my head. I'm busy at work. So I somehow need to regularly eat otherwise by mid-afternoon, everything in my body just halts and I'm incapable of continuing. 

I don't feel like I'm eating too much, but I'm obviously doing something wrong because I'm very slowly, but surely gaining weight. I need to cut back somehow...maybe my dinners. Maybe I can have smaller dinners at home. And also start to work out. I have to be honest, I'm already at the point of physical exhaustion after work, the thought of working out as well makes me want to cry. But if something has to be done, then it has to be done. 

Another problem is the professor. The happier he gets, the more miserable I get. Over the years I've somehow associated him being happy with me with gaining weight. Now that he's super pleased with me, I know that must mean I'm fat. Fat and fat and fat. The more he tells me that I look "well", the more upset I get. I don't want to hear it anymore. It's not quite the compliment he thinks it is. 

I have a question for you girls, what is your most hated body part? I've always hated my stomach and thighs, and relatively speaking, I've not had much of a problem with my bum. But today, I met a girl who hated her bum and also talked about her arm fat. I've never really thought about my arms before, but it's like inception, now I can't stop thinking about them. Now that I'm thinking about my arms and legs and stomach and bum, I just feel like I'm bulging at the seams! 

Yuck. Yuck. 


  1. I used to only hate my thighs and bum because even when I was a size 12 (UK - horrible I know) my top half was skinny and a 6-8. But now I am that same awful weight and I'm just big all over - my stomach is huge and the worst bit is the underarm's just utterly disgusting and makes me want to vomit when I see or feel it.

    Interesting that asking what someone hates the most finally prompts me to comment. I identify with so much of what you write here - we even have the same short-term/ultimate goal weights. I've been at my goal but just ballooned above it in the past two years. I'm not brave enough to write the way that you do but I still read and admire your words.

  2. I absolutely hate my wide shoulders .. But as a weight related part it's definitely my belly. All of my fat goes there. If I gain weight I gain it on my belly, but when I lose weight it's on my breast and bum. It's horrible . I often look pregnant and when I'm bloated I can look 3 months pregnant. It breaks my heart.

    Xx jo

  3. My thighs and the back of my legs. I also know that I'm not skinny enough if my collar bones don't stick out and my shoulders aren't boney so I'm obsessed eith them showing. Always looking for it...

  4. That always happens to me! Like when I first heard the term 'saddle bags' or 'muffin top' and it was explained to me I remember thinking, 'oh thank GOD I don't have those!' and then like magic the next day or week they were suddenly there! I've always thought I have skinny arms, and a generally natural bony decolletege but then I'll read a magazine article about how to melt away arm fat or get read of the 'batwing' and then I'm rotating my arms around in the bathroom mirror to watch them jiggle!
    If you don't feel like you're eating too much, but still putting on weight, perhaps it's what your eating. If you don't already try a multi-vit just to fill in the gaps, it could increase your energy level by supporting your body. If you're really tired maybe you need more protein? I know you are a doctor so you've got health knowledge up the wazoo so I'll stop there :)
    And my most hated body part used to be my thighs, I always had huge thunder thighs but now we have an elliptical in my house and my legs have actual becoming one my best features I think. It'd definitely have to be my hips, I have this godawful pear shaped body and if I'm not stick thin, any fat I have clings to my hips and abdomen and it looks like I'm permanently wearing a flotation device underneath my clothing.
    Hope you start to feel better!
    love always

  5. For me it's my stomach area. Really it's the gut and hips. And I also hate my thighs...