"Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren, one that pushes me along and keeps me so desperate and ravenous, so weak and powerless."
Well. As this rotation goes on, parts of me are dying off. Dying off. I apologise for the lack of posts lately but I've just finished a 13 day stretch of work, I have a day off, and I'm about to start a 14 day stretch of work, including 7 night shifts before I have another day off and go into, this time, just 5 days before a weekend. Fuck me. Which means that in just over a month, I'll have 4 days off. Fuck me. I'm so burned out already and I'm even halfway there.
I have a vague memory of complaining on here, or complaining to a friend of mine (see, I'm so tired I can't separate my blog from my real life) that Joe was too busy to notice that I fancied him like all hell. But fuck me, now I AM too busy to notice that I fancy him. So how can I expect him to notice.
When I have quiet moments, I sit and think of Joe and in those moments I want nothing more than for him to just wrap his arms around me. Now I understand why older doctors were urging me to start dating in medical school, because when you work, you actually do not have the time. I'm sure it's not possible.
It's hard to describe what it feels like to work this much. I mean, through 6 years of medical school I've listened to all my predecessors complaining about their working hours and telling me to leave hospital early whenever possible. But to be working these shifts, wow. I have so much respect for my colleagues and everyone who has gone before me. This is fucking hard, getting up at 5am every morning, going to bed past midnight. I have moments during the day when I have no idea what the fuck is going on. But a coffee fixes that.
Meanwhile I've been living some sort of mad life of excess. In all regards. I swear this is the longest PMS session I've ever had. I've been eating like mad. I had this insane moment of sudden clarity...I've gained all the weight I've lost, was complaining to my friend about being fat when I looked down at the Carl's Jr Oreo Ice Cream Thickshake in my hand and was like, oh.
There are no words to describe how much I've been eating. I've also started drinking calories. Normally it's water, or coke zero, or zero calorie ginger beer. I've started drinking things that have calories! On top of all that food!
But food, weight, whatever, I know I can restrict and go and lose it all again. Suddenly I have confidence in that aspect of myself. But fuck me, it's the spending.
I've spent $1000 on ASOS on wintery things. Then wanted to whip myself because I have more than enough of wintery things. Then a day later I spent $1500 at Alannah Hill (if you don't know her, look her up...that shit is beautiful...in fact, here is a link to her online shop) on more cardigans that I don't need. The only thing that I bought there that I definitely needed was my graduation dress, although that's an arguable point because I had previously spent $1500 at the Alannah Hill outlet in Melbourne, including a graduation dress just a few weeks ago. Then went and bought $300 worth of shoes...which is only 2 pairs, but I guess last week I spent $500 on shoes...wow this sounds bad.
But it goes on. Then I bought a $500 leather jacket from Oasis, which was dumb because I already have a beautiful Michael Kors leather jacket. Anyway. Then I went onto the Outnet, because I decided I could not quite afford Net-A-Porter, and bought a Vivienne Westwood dress, a pair of Alexander McQueen trousers and a pair of Nicholas Kirkwood pumps. Which came to a sum that I am too embarrassed to tell you about.
Fuck that is a lot of money. FUCK. It looks even worse written down like that.
Well it seems to be keeping me sane through the work. Which is something I guess.
I have a vague memory of complaining on here, or complaining to a friend of mine (see, I'm so tired I can't separate my blog from my real life) that Joe was too busy to notice that I fancied him like all hell. But fuck me, now I AM too busy to notice that I fancy him. So how can I expect him to notice.
When I have quiet moments, I sit and think of Joe and in those moments I want nothing more than for him to just wrap his arms around me. Now I understand why older doctors were urging me to start dating in medical school, because when you work, you actually do not have the time. I'm sure it's not possible.
It's hard to describe what it feels like to work this much. I mean, through 6 years of medical school I've listened to all my predecessors complaining about their working hours and telling me to leave hospital early whenever possible. But to be working these shifts, wow. I have so much respect for my colleagues and everyone who has gone before me. This is fucking hard, getting up at 5am every morning, going to bed past midnight. I have moments during the day when I have no idea what the fuck is going on. But a coffee fixes that.
Meanwhile I've been living some sort of mad life of excess. In all regards. I swear this is the longest PMS session I've ever had. I've been eating like mad. I had this insane moment of sudden clarity...I've gained all the weight I've lost, was complaining to my friend about being fat when I looked down at the Carl's Jr Oreo Ice Cream Thickshake in my hand and was like, oh.
There are no words to describe how much I've been eating. I've also started drinking calories. Normally it's water, or coke zero, or zero calorie ginger beer. I've started drinking things that have calories! On top of all that food!
But food, weight, whatever, I know I can restrict and go and lose it all again. Suddenly I have confidence in that aspect of myself. But fuck me, it's the spending.
I've spent $1000 on ASOS on wintery things. Then wanted to whip myself because I have more than enough of wintery things. Then a day later I spent $1500 at Alannah Hill (if you don't know her, look her up...that shit is beautiful...in fact, here is a link to her online shop) on more cardigans that I don't need. The only thing that I bought there that I definitely needed was my graduation dress, although that's an arguable point because I had previously spent $1500 at the Alannah Hill outlet in Melbourne, including a graduation dress just a few weeks ago. Then went and bought $300 worth of shoes...which is only 2 pairs, but I guess last week I spent $500 on shoes...wow this sounds bad.
But it goes on. Then I bought a $500 leather jacket from Oasis, which was dumb because I already have a beautiful Michael Kors leather jacket. Anyway. Then I went onto the Outnet, because I decided I could not quite afford Net-A-Porter, and bought a Vivienne Westwood dress, a pair of Alexander McQueen trousers and a pair of Nicholas Kirkwood pumps. Which came to a sum that I am too embarrassed to tell you about.
Fuck that is a lot of money. FUCK. It looks even worse written down like that.
Well it seems to be keeping me sane through the work. Which is something I guess.
oh my God fuck
ReplyDeletethat just sounds like a shit tonne of work
i hope you feel better bb you sound like tired
or maybe it's just me
omg that sounds like shit being too busy to fancy someone is just
i have never ever had anyone tell me to date in medical school oh well Rachel :3
omg that sounds shitty omg i'm just gonna sleep whenever i have the chance whenever i get a break, im just gonna sleep
Oreo thickshake whatever sounds yummy
omg i know the feeling
oh my God oh my God just reading about it actually makes me cry or i don't know what's making me cry but i can just feel this huge anxiety rush from it is that weird
yeah anything to be sane, right, babe?
-Sam Lupin