Tuesday, January 31, 2012
debts to be paid
So. Just when it was all going so well. One day ruined it all.
In all honesty, I probably didn't do that much damage in a day. I'm still vegan, all I did was eat an amazing amount of vegetables but I was so full. So disgusting and full. It's been a long time since I was that full.
This is how I've changed over time. Now I feel disgusting when I'm full. I feel like a failure. I don't feel right unless I feel empty and hungry. I hate the feeling of having anything in my bowels. I hate the feeling of knowing that I ate something. I just hate it all. I just want to be empty and light, floating on a cloud, beautiful and thin.
Bones and bones and bones.
Delicate and fragile.
Yet strong. Starve on. I can do something they can't do.
What is size? Does it even matter? It's not enough anymore. It's not enough for numbers to tell me that I'm small. So what if I lost weight? It doesn't matter because I still feel as fat and ugly as I did when I was at my heaviest. I'm only happy when I'm empty. Only then can I step on the scales and pray to the clouds above that the number is lower than last time.
After several upbeat posts, I'm afraid I have to lumber you girls with another downer. I was planning for this post to be upbeat as well but I got some bad news about a paragraph into writing it. And since reading that email from the professor, I've decided not to sleep tonight and to numb myself as best I can.
My hands shake. Partly because I've been working hard at the gym.
Partly because of the shock.
I can't feel my heartbeat anymore.
The kiss of the cold metal on my skin. The redness tells me I'm still alive.
I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I've worked hard. I've worked hard for my papers. To be taken off one of them is almost too much to bear. Yes, it's not my fault that the machine kept breaking. Yes, it would be better for me to have more time to focus on this year instead of working in the weekends. Yes, my name will still be on the paper. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
But to ask me to not work on it anymore.
Why would he do this to me?
I can't believe that it's because he's concerned about me being too busy. I would have happily worked myself to death for that paper.
To call it a "crushing blow" isn't sufficient. It's not a crushing blow.
It's confirmation. I didn't win the Ophthalmology prize because I wasn't smart enough or good enough to get the marks for it.
I got taken off the paper because I didn't work hard enough to stay on.
I'm just not enough for this career. I think it's time for me to just face the facts and start looking for another area for me to specialise in.
What's the point in clinging onto hope with my teeth and nails if I know it's all futile?
I want to curl into a ball and die. I'm pretty sure I'm halfway there already.
What is the point in food?
What is the point in eating when all this is going on?
I wish I could cry.
Red tears are for when real tears aren't enough.
And now for something completely different!
I hate to leave you girls on such a low note. I try to be upbeat, after all, one of the points of this blog is to perhaps inspire readers to continue with their efforts.
A friend and I went to Abercrombie and Fitch today. It's one of the only American stores in this country and so I think of it as a good way to gauge my size. Most of the time I don't know what size 0 means. I have no idea how big it is, or how big it is compared with how I am right now. I also don't like converting NZ sizes to UK or US sizes because each website tells me something slightly different and I find it safer to just try on actual US sized clothing instead of trying to rationalise my way into it.
Long story short, I tried on some stuff at Abercrombie and Fitch...I ended up buying a pair of XS yoga pants. And I almost bought a pair of shorts. That were a size 0. In all honesty, those shorts fit me, but would look a lot better if I lost another 5-10lbs. It's still nice to know that I can fit a size 0, even if it is with some squashing.
Hopefully that gives some of you a better idea of what size I am. Thank you to Christina, loveylou and strive4perfection for your lovely comments on my last blog post!