Tuesday, January 31, 2012

debts to be paid

So. Just when it was all going so well. One day ruined it all. 
In all honesty, I probably didn't do that much damage in a day. I'm still vegan, all I did was eat an amazing amount of vegetables but I was so full. So disgusting and full. It's been a long time since I was that full. 

This is how I've changed over time. Now I feel disgusting when I'm full. I feel like a failure. I don't feel right unless I feel empty and hungry. I hate the feeling of having anything in my bowels. I hate the feeling of knowing that I ate something. I just hate it all. I just want to be empty and light, floating on a cloud, beautiful and thin. 

Bones and bones and bones. 
Delicate and fragile.
Yet strong. Starve on. I can do something they can't do.

What is size? Does it even matter? It's not enough anymore. It's not enough for numbers to tell me that I'm small. So what if I lost weight? It doesn't matter because I still feel as fat and ugly as I did when I was at my heaviest. I'm only happy when I'm empty. Only then can I step on the scales and pray to the clouds above that the number is lower than last time. 

After several upbeat posts, I'm afraid I have to lumber you girls with another downer. I was planning for this post to be upbeat as well but I got some bad news about a paragraph into writing it. And since reading that email from the professor, I've decided not to sleep tonight and to numb myself as best I can. 

My hands shake. Partly because I've been working hard at the gym. 
Partly because of the shock. 
I can't feel my heartbeat anymore. 
The kiss of the cold metal on my skin. The redness tells me I'm still alive. 
I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. 

I've worked hard. I've worked hard for my papers. To be taken off one of them is almost too much to bear. Yes, it's not my fault that the machine kept breaking. Yes, it would be better for me to have more time to focus on this year instead of working in the weekends. Yes, my name will still be on the paper. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 

But to ask me to not work on it anymore. 
Why would he do this to me? 
I can't believe that it's because he's concerned about me being too busy. I would have happily worked myself to death for that paper. 
To call it a "crushing blow" isn't sufficient. It's not a crushing blow. 

It's confirmation. I didn't win the Ophthalmology prize because I wasn't smart enough or good enough to get the marks for it. 
I got taken off the paper because I didn't work hard enough to stay on. 
I'm just not enough for this career. I think it's time for me to just face the facts and start looking for another area for me to specialise in. 
What's the point in clinging onto hope with my teeth and nails if I know it's all futile? 

I want to curl into a ball and die. I'm pretty sure I'm halfway there already. 
What is the point in food? 
What is the point in eating when all this is going on? 
I wish I could cry. 

Red tears are for when real tears aren't enough. 

And now for something completely different! 
I hate to leave you girls on such a low note. I try to be upbeat, after all, one of the points of this blog is to perhaps inspire readers to continue with their efforts. 

A friend and I went to Abercrombie and Fitch today. It's one of the only American stores in this country and so I think of it as a good way to gauge my size. Most of the time I don't know what size 0 means. I have no idea how big it is, or how big it is compared with how I am right now. I also don't like converting NZ sizes to UK or US sizes because each website tells me something slightly different and I find it safer to just try on actual US sized clothing instead of trying to rationalise my way into it. 

Long story short, I tried on some stuff at Abercrombie and Fitch...I ended up buying a pair of XS yoga pants. And I almost bought a pair of shorts. That were a size 0. In all honesty, those shorts fit me, but would look a lot better if I lost another 5-10lbs. It's still nice to know that I can fit a size 0, even if it is with some squashing. 

Hopefully that gives some of you a better idea of what size I am. Thank you to Christina, loveylou and strive4perfection for your lovely comments on my last blog post! 


  1. Everything you write I can relate to, A LOT, which really confirms that I'm not alone. I couldn't agree with you more when you say that you hate the feeling of being full and I would trade that feeling with the feeling of being fragile and as light as a feather any day. To be and feel delicate again would be amazing.

    Darling, from reading your posts I know that you work hard and do your very best, please don't beat yourself up about this paper! I know that that's so much easier said than done and may sound patronising but it;s true. Even though I don't fully understand the situation as I am only reading this here from another part of the globe but I bet you that your work was good enough. I bet you that your professor took you off the paper for the reason he stated. He seems to care for your well being and is trying to make sure that you have a manageable work load. Please remember that you are amazing.

    Congratulations on fitting into the size 0 shorts!! That is seriously amazing! I have to admit that I am slightly envious haha. I'm sorry if you've mentioned this before or have it written somewhere else but how tall are you?

    Lots and lots of love,

  2. Hey lovely Anafly, Thanks for your comment. I'm still thunderstruck about the paper, and I'm currently trying to pull myself together for another day of work at the hospital, but time and cutting will help me get over it.
    And as for your question, I'm 1.60m tall. which is JUST short of 5'3. So I'm not tall at all. So being "size 0" isn't any short of achievement. My BMI is still 21.

  3. It sounds like you're not being asked to step away from work because you weren't good enough but just because what you (the group) were trying to do maybe wasn't feasible thats all. If you're still going to be listed as an author that is because you have contributed to the work and that what you did was relevant. If you can't think of it in a constructive way it will at least contribute to your h index :p!

    You ARE good enough and your hard work WILL pay off.


  4. I can understand how devastating it can be to be taken off a paper, I've seen grown men cry over it. But the fact that your name will still be on it means obviously that you are capable of doing it and that what you have done so far is relevant and correct. Maybe he is actually worried about your work load. It sounds like you are incredibly busy and having a paper to work on will just add to that.

    It's alright, it really is. Don't underestimate yourself. Ever.