Wednesday, March 9, 2011

i need your discipline, i need your help

That space and time in between being awake and being asleep is a weird place to be isn't it? Last night I was dreaming in that half awake half asleep state. I was madly surfing the net, looking at all the stuff on the McDonald's menu and the burgerking menu, looking up their calories and trying to see if I could fit any of it in my 500cal a day limit (as it turns out, yes I can. I can have one small burger and that'll be me done for the day).

Then I started thinking of excuses that would let me have something to eat on top of my 500cal a day, then I started thinking of all the McDonalds and burgerkings in town and which route I would have to drive to work that would allow me to pass one and go through the drive through.

That's when I woke suddenly, thought I must have heard my alarm and so went to check the time. It was just past midnight, I had scared myself awake. It was really scary, the sheer desperation was really scary. If it wasn't midnight and had actually been time to wake up, I probably would've left early for work, detoured to McDonalds and grabbed food.

Luckily for me it wasn't but I couldn't sleep, I was full of energy to go out and seek food. I made myself stay in bed and just tossed and turned until I fell asleep.

I woke up about half an hour before my alarm. (My alarm goes off at 6am so waking at 5.30am kinda pissed me off.) And I woke up thinking about Prof CNM. My childless supervisor who was tough but supportive, supporting me in a way my real father isn't capable of doing, even if he wanted to.

One of only 2 men in this world who will tell me that I look pretty, that's he's proud of what I've done. And then I felt ashamed for all my food desperation in the middle of the night. My 10week time limit is so I can be thin when I'm working for Prof. How could I sabotage that myself?

So I've decided to skip my 100cal breakfast. And see if I can have a 400cal day. I'm only working half a day today so I'm going to try do some exercise this afternoon. So much of my day centres around wanting to be thin, the rest of my day revolves around trying to make Prof proud of me. And to do something to further both those goals is great. So I'm going to come home and do pilates or yoga and some ballet practice. All in all it'll burn maybe 400cal, so not much but better than nothing. I'm saving the high impact stuff for the weekend.

Stupid scales at work say I'm 59.7kg. I was so depressed, the ones I have at home say 57.5kg. But I've decided that I'm going to go by my home scales since I've gone by those all my life. And I'm just going to use the work ones to monitor weight loss over the 2 weeks that I'll be at that office.

So now I'm feeling a little less out of control and desperate. My plan comforts me. I will have a good day today!

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