Friday, August 12, 2011

don't tear me down for all i need

So it's been a while since I last posted and before I get all philosophical and introspective on your asses I should at least post my weight status. I gained a whole heap of weight while I was on my obstetrics and gynaecology rotation. Heaps. I'm now back down to 55kg but increasingly frustrated with the lack of progress. Mind you, I am losing again, it's just annoying to be losing weight that I've technically already lost. But it's my own fault that I put it back on. 49kg seems so far away. So far away. I wonder if I will ever get there. I so badly want to get there. There is almost nothing I want more.

I want to get there fast. But after 6 weeks of binging and suddenly cutting back on food, I was reminded of the side effects today. The most insane postural hypotension I have ever had! That's when you suddenly stand up and you feel woozy and almost black out coz your blood pressure drops. I've not had it this bad for a long time now. I just hope I have a ways to go before I start feeling short of breath. Because I always cave in and eat a bit when I get short of breath. Nothing scares me more than the thought of suffocation.

I've been in denial about being depressed for a long time now but it's getting harder and harder to ignore. I still like to think I have my insight but I honestly don't know how much longer I will have it. I feel alone. The people I used to confide in aren't my friends anymore. I am totally obsessed with ophthal and Prof and I know this is absolutely crazy. I can't tell anyone because they will also think it's crazy and I don't want Prof to get into trouble for my own personal mental issues.

I cry most days. I can't remember a day in the past month where I haven't cried at least once. I'm disappointed in myself. I've not achieved what I set out to do. And yes, I hark on about how it's a long process and what's important is that I maintain it, but truly, if I could have it happen overnight, I would, no matter how much it hurt. I've got more motivation now at least. When I go out running, I think of skinny thighs and that beautiful gap between the thighs and it keeps me going. I just want to be wonderfully thin. To be able to see my bones sticking out. Nothing looks better than being able to see the outline of bones. I love it.

If there is such thing as ana-vision then I've definitely got it. Everyone looks too fat. Even people in anorexia documentaries being treated for ana look too fat. People walking down the street look too fat. And above all, I look too fat. Reading some of my older posts, I was making progress and I definitely remember the time when I was losing weight relatively quickly and I thought I was becoming wonderfully thin. But I look at myself now and I see how fat I am. How far I have to go. I don't feel like I've made any progress at all.

I have not seen the Prof for 7 weeks now. I can't possibly see him when I'm heavier than the last time I saw him. Even though I miss him to death, I want to tactifully avoid him until I can lose more weight. I want to be visibly thinner when he sees me. And he always seems to notice. He always mentions how thin I look. And it makes me feel great. I don't think he means it as a compliment, but it feels great. I want my arms to get thinner. I hate the fat on my forearms. I usually have short sleeves on and even in winter, I can see my forearms. I can see how fat they are. I hate how my lovely slender wrists suddenly balloon out with fat and become my squishy forearms. I hate all the fat on my body. I hate how big my boobs are. I hate how they get in the way of me fitting into smaller clothes.

I must be one of the only women in the world with C cups who wants a breast reduction.

And I can see, quite clearly now, that I am going to die. Soon. (Soon being the next 10 years so chill out, I'm not going to off myself anytime in the immediate future.) But I can see now that this will be what kills me. I will have my bones. I will have the thinness I've always wanted. But it will take away the people I care about and when they get angry at me, I will kill myself. In a way I've always known that was what was going to happen. When I was younger I thought it would be a bluff. Like, I'd attempt suicide and end up in hospital and recover. Kind of like, running away to see who will follow you. But now that I'm older and have realised that I do have the power to kill myself (that in itself is a terrifically calming thought) I have also realised that one day I will do it.

Because really, what is the point in living on. How did my life get to this point? I can't feel love. I don't know what the hell it is. I don't know how to love someone because I can't trust anyone. I don't know what it is to be loved because I hold the people I know in high regard and people that intelligent wouldn't be so stupid as to waste themselves loving someone like me. I can't even begin to comprehend that someone might care enough to worry about me. I can't even comprehend that someone might care about me, or miss me, or be thinking about me when I'm not right in front of them. I will try to do some good in my job but after a while, when I'm all burned out, I will off myself and that will be that.

At least I will die thin.

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