Saturday, May 26, 2012
professional opinions of suspicion
Thank you to all you lovely ladies who commented on my last few posts. I really can't emphasize enough how much it means to me and how much less alone I feel for it.
And I'm glad you liked the tattoo thinspo. I adore tattoos, I hope to get another one sometime soon...like the next few weeks, on my back probably, haven't really decided on the design, but I am playing with the idea of getting vertebrae.
Here is the story of what happened last night...
...I sit at the table, 100% of my concentration fixated on my etiquette. This is the next fork to use, elbows off the table, smile, nod, reply to conversation. Any effort to keep my mind off the fact that I have sat down to a 6 course degustation. Thank god the courses are tiny. If I only think about one course at a time, then I can feel like I'm only eating that small portion and I will get through this meal in one piece.
And for the most part, I did get through that meal okay. I was so fit to burst afterwards that I felt like throwing up. We walked to a gelato shop, where I toyed with my gelato. Pity I was having dinner with an old friend who is also a psychologist. She didn't notice anything during dinner, but I could not hide my gelato OCD from her.
I have this way of fiddling with dessert, I have to smooth out the gelato as much as I can, trying to make a perfect sphere. This takes up so much time that I can barely eat any of it before it melts. She was talking as I was sculpting my gelato and I didn't notice her looking.
"You're playing with your food. That's what anorexics do."
I try to explain it away as OCD. She nods a bit.
"But you're barely eating it at all. That's what anorexics do."
And the conversation goes on like that. I can tell she's suspicious. And that's really not good. The last thing I need is to have a qualified clinical psychologist on my case. With that, I was suddenly glad she was moving to another country at the start of next year. She's section my ass without a second thought if she knew.
Hearing her talk about her plans for the future makes me realise that I do not have any of my own. I'm just planning to train, work, get skinny. That is all. All my plans for the future revolve around restricting and losing weight and doing ophthalmology. There are no friends in my future. I want to live alone so that I can starve without people noticing. And then I just want to be thin. And alone. And thinner. And I guess that's when I'm going to kill myself.