THINSPIRATION!!!! (thirty two kilos)

Here is some thinspo for you lovely girls. These are photos from a collection called "thirty two kilos". They have been digitally altered to look extra thin, but very beautiful don't you think? I shall never be able to look like that, simply because I am so short, I can't possibly have limbs really that long. But still, something for thinspiration!

the pro ana community

I guess I can understand why some people just can't understand the importance of the pro ana community. I guess it's like how some people don't like it when doctors all band together and protect each other through the thick of it. It doesn't matter if we have never met each other. It doesn't matter if I don't fully understand what has gone wrong. It doesn't matter who is after your blood. At the end of the day, we are bonded by something that can't be broken, held together by a force that will be with us till we depart this world. We are part of a special little club that they can't join.

It's a camaraderie that is second to none. Oceans and mountains and deserts and forests may part us but I can feel our hearts beating together. When somebody succeeds in losing weight, I feel a pride equal to if I had lost it myself (albeit sometimes tainted with dash of jealousy) because I know that my friend Ana has shared her love with somebody else.

And who we are to the societies we live in is irrelevant in light of our common goal. In public you could be the quiet girl at the back of the class, you could be the one all your friends cry to, you could be a brilliant lawyer, a caring doctor, a daughter, a wife, a mother. But online, connected through the words we type to one another on our keyboards, we are the same. In this way we are not isolated, in this way we are supported, in this way we work together and we cry together and we bleed together. We become thin together my ana sisters.

We are worlds apart but we share the same reality, we share the same path.

Ode to Ana

It's nearly midnight and I've flushed away any chances of me getting an early night and getting up early to study for exams. But you know, sometimes it's so hard to sleep when there is something inside that is trying to get out. So I got up and got out my notebook and pen and a wee bit of poetry came out.

I'm no great poet but it's something I enjoy doing. I think I posted a poem on here a while ago about self harm and now here is my Ode to Ana/Ed:

Suffocating and hot

Like insects across my skin

I have to get it off

Perfection's buried within

In times of hopeless pain

You come and take my hand

Whisper in my mind

I finally understand

No matter how life changes

You will always be my friend

The only one to love me

Until whatever end

I wish I didn't need you

But without you I'm alone

In a cold world full of hate

I can't do this on my own

You are my only hope

That I will ever find

Peace within my body

My clothing and my mind

Everybody hates you

And say I am your slave

But only you can give me

The thinness that I crave

In you I place my trust

I'll do everything you say

Please take all of me

And lead me into grace.

notes on fasting

I just wrote an email to one of my ana buddies about fasting. And after I sent it I realised that it was actually a pretty good description of what it was like for me. So I have posted it below. If any of you reading has ever considered fasting, I highly recommend it. Please read how I found it and I hope that it encourages some of you to try it.

"Oh hun, I really, really suggest you try fasting then. I used to be just like that. I felt like I needed food all the time and I never really felt like I could go without it and I really struggled to eat less.

Then one day, I had a really bad day and thought stuff it, I'm not going to eat today just so that I can say I achieved something today. And believe me, the first couple of hours are tough. I was so used to eating because I was bored or sad or whatever. And the first couple of hours were just wanting to eat because that's what I normally do. And once I passed that stage and real hunger set in, it got harder because then I was actually hungry and I wanted to eat. But I just thought, I have to do this and so I didn't eat. And when I passed the point of hunger, I was so proud!

I think by then I was running on pure adrenalin and I was in awe of me not eating food for that long and not being hungry. By then I was so far into my fast that I thought I can't give up now. Let me tell you, once you reach this stage you feel so mighty and powerful. It's so hard to explain, it's something you have to experience to understand it. 18hours in, no food, not feeling hungry, wired on adrenalin and you are simply filled with a rush of power.

I had never felt so in control in my life. There are simply no words to describe the amount of power that filled me. I knew at that point that I could do it and so that first experimental fast of mine lasted 2 days. And I didn't feel hungry, I was perfectly happy drinking cups of hot tea and coffee. It was a 2 day long high, I'd never felt so happy, the emptiness in my tummy reminded me of lightness, I was in control, of everything.

And once you've felt it, you'd do anything to feel it again. So for a while I did week long liquid fasts and nothing I've ever done has made me feel that accomplished.

It may not be an easy first step to take but you will have to just bite the bullet and pick a day and fast for 24 hours. Then you understand that you can go without food, you understand that you don't need food at all and that you feel a whole lot better without it. It's the drug that makes you thinner!

I did 5 day fasts and then ate on weekends for about 3 months and dropped lots of weight. Then I got really anaemic and that made me really short of breath and then I started getting super bad muscle spasms in my feet because I was so low in potassium. I never told anybody because I didn't want to be hospitalised, but I did have to start eating more again. Now I fast in a more controlled manner but still, nothing comes close to that feeling.

With summer approaching again I will start the fasting again and I will drop the weight!"

RAAAAGE!!!! (over fat people and Mila Kunis cops some flack)

There has been something that has got up my hooter. I know that Black Swan was a while ago now and the comments that Mila Kunis made about weight loss were equally long ago, but someone brought it up recently and it got right up my nose so brace yourself for another rant.

I am frankly sick and tired of fat people making excuses about why they are fat. Oh, it's genetics, oh, it's big bones, oh, it's slow metabolism. BULLSHIT. I don't know if any of you watch a TV series called "Embarrassing Fat Bodies" but it has basically proved that each of these little theories that fat people use to make themselves feel better are absolutely positively false.

The slow metabolism one is my favourite pet peeve. Slow metabolism my ass. Want to know who has slow metabolism? Anorexic people, severely underweight and malnourished people. So, my friends, if thin people are more likely to have slow metabolism, by deduction, who do you think will have fast metabolism? Fat people! The fact of the matter is, metabolism is determined by body mass, the bigger you are, the faster your metabolism. Metabolic rate is made of 3 parts. The energy your body needs to keep all its cells functioning, the energy used to produce body heat and the energy used to digest food. Fat people have more cells, produce more body heat and eat more and so they have faster metabolic rates. As I said, slow metabolism my ass.

The big bones one doesn't bother so much as it is so obviously bullshit. Look at a fat person, does it look like they have huge bones? No. They just look like they have lots of layers of fat. In fact, it would be good if a fat person had "big bones" and by that I mean "dense bones". The increased load that the extra weight puts stress on the bones and they should become more dense in order to deal with it. Unfortunately, most fat people eat junk food and so actually don't have much nutrition and so they don't get dense bones. This makes them more at risk of breaking their bones. The thing is, the fat causes the dense bones, not the other way round.

Nooooow, for the genetics *cracks knuckles*. Oh yes, it is perfectly true that there are those among us who have a genetic predisposition for obesity. But that is just genetic potential. It's what we do with the potential that actually defines what happens. Now, in embarrassing fat bodies, they tested the genetics of a family of fat people who were convinced that they were genetically fat and they also tested the genetics of their doctor who was a normal sized lady. They scored each person based on how genetically likely they were to be obese. Every person in the family scored very low and the doctor had an extremely high score. This means that out of all these people, the thin doctor was genetically the most likely to be obese. So, a genetic potential is a genetic potential. If you eat right and exercise, nothing in this world can make you gain weight. If you eat less calories than you use, you lose weight. And even if you have no genetic predisposition to get fat, you will get fat if you eat too much and sit on the couch.

These are just all excuses for laziness and not wanting to face up to the truth. I hold a certain amount of respect for fat people who front up and say "I'm fat because I eat too much". I also hold a certain respect for fat people who I see at the gym or out running because these are the people who have decided to do something practical and lose the weight instead of sitting on their asses and complaining and making excuses.

Now Mila Kunis was slagged off widely online and in the media for saying that anyone can lose weight. WTF. I don't understand why she was slagged off. What she said was perfectly true. It's just fat people getting defensive and other people labouring under political correctness. I think by now you have realised that my blog is horrendously politically incorrect and I am pretty straight up in saying what I think is true.

I hate all the excuses we as a race make for those who are fat. I hate how obesity has become almost accepted. Especially where I live, a size 14-16 has become "normal". WTF it is not normal, size 14 is freaking huge. Somehow the general public has come to accept the lies and excuses made by fat people. We tolerate them, we think, oh, poor fat person, maybe they are genetically like that or maybe they have a slow metabolism. Bullshit, they are just lazy.

Mila Kunis was absolutely correct. I read a comment online about what she said. It said that oh, there are some fat people who just can't lose weight and skinny people who believe what she said have no hearts or souls. Fired me right up! Fat people can lose weight if they put in the work. If they worked out 8 hours a day and ate 1200cal in 5 small meals like Mila Kunis did for Black Swan, each and every one of them would drop weight.

Plus, look at The Biggest Loser. Morbidly obese people who are kicked into action by tough trainers and forced to stick to a healthy diet. They lose hundreds of pounds. These are people who have been fat their whole lives and come from fat families. (By the way, the reason families are fat is because families eat together and tend to have similar exercise routines and so tend to have the same weight ranges.) It just goes to show that if you work hard, you will lose the weight. Anyone who is forced to eat less and work out more will lose weight. End of story.

the same old tricks and DSM-IV diagnosis

Firstly, thank you to Krystal for your lovely comment on my last post. You're always so supportive and I love how you always seem to understand what I mean. I love your comments!

Now that it is well and truly exam season I'm going back to the same old routine that always happens when I do exams. I am now going to attempt to explain why this time it is the same things but with a big difference.

I'm 21 years old now and I've sat my fair share of exams. I've been at university for 5 years now and have developed my own way of coping with the medical school exams. There are a few things that always seems to happen.

1. I start eating lots of junk food. No regular meals, just some sort of continuous stream of weird food.

2. I start writing lots, this time it is in blog format, before it was in journals. Always some sort of contemplative, reflective piece. I always try to sort out major life issues during exams.

3. I plan lots of things to do after exams, it seems like I'm doing my utmost to distract myself doesn't it.

4. I spend a lot of money on casual "study" clothes, hoodies, loose pants, shorts, things that I normally wouldn't wear. I buy them online at bargain prices, they never arrive early enough for me to actually wear them during study and so I never wear them.

5. I buy the things that I have been putting off buying all of that year, things that I said I wouldn't buy because people wouldn't approve, like tapers for stretching my ears.

6. And possibly the most important rule...anything goes. I do whatever I want to. As long as it keeps me calm enough to do some form of study, I will do it.

The difference this year is that even though anything goes, I am still very concerned about my weight. And this isn't something that has ever happened before. I have never worried about exam weight. It was always something that needed to happen in order for me to pass and so it didn't matter. But this time, I'm worried about it and I'm making plans of how to lose weight after exams.

To me, this is a real sign of how far I have come in the course of this year in terms of eating disorders. Now it is something that can't be fixed by someone telling me quite honestly that I am beautiful. It is something that won't go away no matter how much people get worried. It is something that won't go away no matter how much people tell me I don't lose weight or look thin. It is something that won't go away, not even if my career is threatened (and it has been, even if he was joking, I know there is some truth behind it).

I think about being thin with each bite of food that I take. Even if I'm binging, I'm acutely aware of my eating, making most of my eating very unenjoyable. But yet I still binge. And yet I can't bring myself to purge because each time I stand over the toilet I think about Mallory Weiss tears and decaying teeth. But I still binge, and I hate myself for it.

During exams, this becomes acceptable, just this time, it becomes something I will deal with later. I think it's fair to say that this has become something that is definitely here to stay.

I've dug up a copy of the DSM-IV and it would appear that I meet some of the criteria for anorexia nervosa and some of the criteria for bulimia. This surprised me a lot because I never thought I would meet any features of bulimia, but then I didn't realise exercise and starvation could be a method of purging. I thought purging was only self induced vomiting. I meet all of the requirements for anorexia except I am still in the normal weight range (but I'm working on that one!). So right now I qualify as EDNOS. Although there has been a lot of discussion about this, as 90% of those with eating disorders have EDNOS, and this suggests that criteria for anorexia and bulimia are too stringent.

The whole point of EDNOS is to have a category to put those who are harder to diagnose, and if 90% of those with eating disorders can't fall into a proper diagnosis then there is something wrong with the categories. I wonder what the DSM-V will have.

I wonder if I will fulfill criteria for anorexia in future.

the dream of size 0

There must come a time in everyone's life when enough is enough and we realise that to get the things we want, we have to work to earn it or reach up and take it. And I think that it takes a certain amount of courage to come to that realisation. And sometimes we have to risk losing what we have now in order to get everything that we have ever wanted.

For as long as I can remember, I dream of size 0. I think about it every day and it is always in the back of my mind. I can't even say that I want it because want isn't the appropriate word at all. I need it with every fibre of my being. I feel like I am a thin person stuck in a fat person's body. Every now and then I will forget about how fat I am and spend a glorious few minutes believing that I am size 0. I can even feel a gap between my thighs and a hollow in my abdomen. Then I will walk past a mirror and be reminded of the disgusting truth.

I've proved to myself this year that I can lose weight. I might have yoyo-ed up and down, but with a net loss of 10kg I can't complain. With this focus, and proof of my capabilities, I should have no trouble dropping more weight in summer. For once in my life I will look good in a swimsuit on holiday. I will not be ashamed to by summer clothes. I will not be too ashamed to go to the beach with my friends. I am determined to feel good about myself.

With the amount of work I am putting into exams, I know that if I can transfer this into working out and dieting, I will be able to drop weight. I am also looking for a dress for the Christmas party and although I don't know when it will be, I am determined to be thin for it. For some reason one of the things I've been thinking a lot about has been being able to sit on someone's knee. Not that I have done anything of the sort since I was maybe 7 or 8 but I really do miss the feeling of being cuddled on someone's knee. I don't know if I will ever experience it again, but if I'm ever given the tiniest chance, I will be thin enough. I will not crush the legs of whatever poor man who is brave enough to offer them. I want to be thin enough for him to put his arm all the way around my waist. Light enough for him to lift me up without straining himself.

I want to be able to sit on someone's knee and cross my legs and have my ankles next to each other, not one leg in the air because there is too much fat in the way for my legs to sit on each other. There are so many things that I want and all of them could be mine if I lost a lot of weight. So if that's what I want then that's what I will do.

I will lose weight and be happy.