Monday, October 3, 2011
the dream of size 0
There must come a time in everyone's life when enough is enough and we realise that to get the things we want, we have to work to earn it or reach up and take it. And I think that it takes a certain amount of courage to come to that realisation. And sometimes we have to risk losing what we have now in order to get everything that we have ever wanted.
For as long as I can remember, I dream of size 0. I think about it every day and it is always in the back of my mind. I can't even say that I want it because want isn't the appropriate word at all. I need it with every fibre of my being. I feel like I am a thin person stuck in a fat person's body. Every now and then I will forget about how fat I am and spend a glorious few minutes believing that I am size 0. I can even feel a gap between my thighs and a hollow in my abdomen. Then I will walk past a mirror and be reminded of the disgusting truth.
I've proved to myself this year that I can lose weight. I might have yoyo-ed up and down, but with a net loss of 10kg I can't complain. With this focus, and proof of my capabilities, I should have no trouble dropping more weight in summer. For once in my life I will look good in a swimsuit on holiday. I will not be ashamed to by summer clothes. I will not be too ashamed to go to the beach with my friends. I am determined to feel good about myself.
With the amount of work I am putting into exams, I know that if I can transfer this into working out and dieting, I will be able to drop weight. I am also looking for a dress for the Christmas party and although I don't know when it will be, I am determined to be thin for it. For some reason one of the things I've been thinking a lot about has been being able to sit on someone's knee. Not that I have done anything of the sort since I was maybe 7 or 8 but I really do miss the feeling of being cuddled on someone's knee. I don't know if I will ever experience it again, but if I'm ever given the tiniest chance, I will be thin enough. I will not crush the legs of whatever poor man who is brave enough to offer them. I want to be thin enough for him to put his arm all the way around my waist. Light enough for him to lift me up without straining himself.
I want to be able to sit on someone's knee and cross my legs and have my ankles next to each other, not one leg in the air because there is too much fat in the way for my legs to sit on each other. There are so many things that I want and all of them could be mine if I lost a lot of weight. So if that's what I want then that's what I will do.
I will lose weight and be happy.