reverse thinspiration that looks like me

"Because I'm breaking the habit tonight."

- I don't know how I started looking at lots of reverse thinspo today. But I aside from the usual extreme reverse thinspo pics, I came across a whole series of pictures that reminds me of how my body looks and it makes me feel like dying. I feel so fucking sick. I already ate some noodles for dinner and man I really want to puke it all back. I'm texting online dating guy and fuck it, it makes me want to puke. Today my intake has been:

-2 coffees with trim milk 124cal

-1 cup of instant noodles 460cal

-1 pear 38cal

-1 cup of strawberries 49cal

-half a low fat yoghurt 42cal

That is 713cal total intake. It feels like too much. It's like I've got a gastric band and the food isn't going down. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. It's too much. 

Later I am going to the gym to work it off:

-30mins running on treadmill at level 10 -286cal

-20mins elliptical -171cal

-triceps pull down and biceps curl and some squats and lunges

Net intake 256cal. 

Day 18: I'm gunning for you girl so watch your back.

"They tell you trust your head, be like men, but never feel like you're good enough."

Pumped up as hell. Pumped up and scared as hell. At the end of the next week I swap out of general medicine and into orthopaedic surgery. It's true, all the things they say about orthopaedic surgery are true. It's full of muscular jocks. So I'm about to slut it up. It'll be nice to slut it up and have somebody notice. 

I've also just met my offsider for the rotation. She's a lady called Elena, and she's a fully qualified radiologist from Romania but has to completely retrain to practice in a new country and so is starting at the bottom again. With me. Which makes me feel great and like crap at the same time. It makes me feel great because now I'll have an offsider who is competent and I can rely on to do her part. It makes me feel like crap because from the very start it is going to be so evident that she is better than me. 

Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck. I just am never happy. I don't know. Elena, I just have to one up her somehow. I don't know why I feel like this. After all, we are all working for the same team, looking after the same patients. I should just be happy that I'm working with someone as good as she is. But far out, if I can't one up her with my work ethic and knowledge, I'll have to do it another way. Which brings me to my point. 

She's fat. And I'm not just saying that. She's taller than me and much older than me, sure, but she is also twice my size and I'm willing to guess her weight at being twice my weight. And hot damn, by the end of the next three months I want her to be three times my weight. For some reason, that makes me feel so secure. 

Fuck, Elena, I'm totally gunning for you. You'd better just watch it. With my night shifts and my insecurity I will starve myself until I feel better about everything. I will work my ass off at the gym until the fat melts off and I'm toned as a ballerina. I will be beautiful. And I will have the boys at my red stilettoed feet. When I'm doing the sit ups and the leg lifts, I will think of you Elena, and the awful way that you feel, and then the burning of my muscles won't feel so bad. And then, in 3 months time, Elena, I will knock you dead. 

I will eat clean and train dirty. Dirty as fuck. And damn, if I could get my little hands on Mark I would fuck him till I was skinny. But since that is not an option, I'll have to run it all off. 

On that note, I'm down 2kg. At this point I'm not sure if any of it is fat, it might all be food babies that are now gone, but hey, 2kg is something and I'll take it. 

Liebster Blog Award

I have been nominated for The Liebster Blog Award by Loveylou and Rachel and let me tell you, after an extremely busy week, and just arriving home from a 14hour shift, it lifted my spirits. I now have 100 followers, and I can't believe it! I've come a long way from the little blog I started for my own sake really. So I am deeply grateful.  

The Rules.

In your next blog post....
1.Thank the person/people who nominated you & Include a link to their blog.
2.Include 11 things about yourself.
3.Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4.Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers.
5.Create 11 questions for them to answer.
6.Let them know you nominated them. 

Hi! My name is Judith Marie. 

1. I am 22 years old, but I have been mistaken for a 14 year old. I sometimes still get let on with child fares.

2. I absolutely adore old Brit shows. 'Allo 'Allo, Dad's Army, Open All Hours, Porridge, Blackadder etc etc.I've seen them all. 

3. I have so many clothes that I had to convert my study into an extra wardrobe. It's a little embarrassing but I still love my clothes!

4. Red heels. I love red shoes. But then again, who doesn't? 

5. I can count the number of people I really call friends on one hand. But that's not something that the general public know and a lot of people I secretly hate consider me a good friend.

6. My German Shepherd is my most treasured possession. I adore him. He's my little baby. 

7. Ever since my parents suggested I get my eyes "fixed" (I've got Asian single lids and this is the double eyelid surgery) a few years ago, I've been considering the surgery, and I'm starting to think about rhinoplasty and liposuction too.

8. I'd love to look like Twiggy. She's my idea of beauty.

9. Secretly, I wish I was Scottish. I'd love a soft, Scottish accent. I find it so charming, I think it would make me charming.

10. I once went to a doctor about being depressed. But even though I scored full marks on the depression scale, I managed to brush it off so well that she ended up telling me "even though you score so high, I think it's just your personal nature and that you're not depressed." Somedays I think about that and I think "if only". I might be very different if she'd referred me on.

11. I love ballet. I'd love to be able to be a ballerina. When I have enough money, I plan to take lessons.  

Questions from Loveylou

1. What do you love most about yourself?

Boy this feels like a job interview! Physically, I love my wrists. I think they look lovely and boney and that's why I would never cut there. Otherwise, I like my stubbornness. How I always do what I think is right and I won't bend to please people who mean nothing to me. 

2. Describe a memory that makes you proud

My qualification ceremony, hands down. Biggest moment of my life. All my hard work built up to it and it embodied everything that I wanted, cared about and had worked for. The dress, the shoes, the lipstick and all my classmates. It was the moment of my life where I lived entirely in the moment. 

3. If you could change one moment in your life, that you think would be pivotal, and could change the course of your entire life, would you? What moment would you change, what would be different?

When I was 11 years old, in intermediate school, I tried out and got the position of an aerobics instructor at my school's physical education program but I missed the first practice and was too embarrassed to go back. I think that if I had kept going, I would have been in the "in" group with some of the popular and pretty girls and my life would have turned out very differently because I have never been popular in my life. 

4. What would you do if your family and friends found out about your eating disorder and/or blog?

The first sign that anyone had found it, this would be deleted. I can't afford for people to read the contents of this. I doubt my family would be first so hopefully deleting it would be enough damage control. If somehow everyone found out, I would go out and throw myself under the first train I found. 

5. If you could be anyone, who would you be and why?

Miranda Kerr. What she has isn't exactly what I want, but she seems so happy with her life. I'd love to be able to be happy with my life even if that means a hunky hubby, a cute son and a killer bod. Okay, so that life doesn't sound so bad after all. 

6. What is your relationship with your parents like?

On the surface we joke around but I don't really feel very close to them. I hold a lot of pent up anger directed against them but I don't think they know about it. Maybe that's why we have so many conflicts in the house. 

7. What's your favourite 'safe food'?

Cucumber. It's so refreshing and tasty and it's sooooo much water and so few calories. 

8. What are you doing when you feel the most happy and joyful?

Driving. I love to go for long drives, fast, winding drives with some good driving music pumping out of the car stereo. That's when I feel so completely myself, that's when I get to do my thinking and sort out my shit, that's when I feel so free and alive. 

9. If you could be any animal what would you be?

Arctic wolf. I'd love to be a graceful wolf, living in the beautiful North, snow, cold, fur. I'd love all that. 

10. What is your favourite fashion statement or 'look'?

It's hard to describe. If any of you happen to be familiar with the designer Alannah Hill, then you will know. It's sort of mismatched, eclectic girly but I prefer to do it with a mix of edgy. Does that make sense? So, super feminine with an oddness that might be a mismatch or a slight hint of rock.

11. If you could make one wish, what would you wish for? (can't be body related in any way)

I would wish for an ididic memory. Then I would read every single medical textbook and know all the answers to everything at work and never feel like I'm panicking when I'm faced with a puzzling medical dilemma. 

Questions from Rachel

1. What music to you like and why?

I love alternative music. Think Tool. And I love Nine Inch Nails. My current love affair is with the Icelandic Of Monsters and Men. I think I like it because the lyrics all mean something to me. I just find it so hard to connect with most mainstream music today. 

2. Do you sing or play a musical instrument?

I used to play violin and guitar but I had to quit both when I got super serious about scholarships and school. I'm trying to pick up guitar again but time makes it difficult. I will do it though. I love the guitar. 

3. Can you pinpoint when your ED began? Why did it start?

I have 2 major points in my life. I can pin point when my anorexic and self harm thoughts first began and it was when I was about 12 years old and I had gone from my multi-racial, down to earth public primary school to an exclusive and exclusively white intermediate school. I was shunned socially, but found a few other outcasts to hang out with. Then one day one of the popular girls asked me what I had got my sports badge for (it was for orienteering). When I replied, she said to her friend, to my face "oh, so that's it. I was wondering, because, you know, look at her." I had first started to really seriously restrict when I moved out of home. At home I my parents dictated my meals but when I moved out I just stopped eating.

4. What's your favourite season?

I love winter. I love winter fashion, I love layering, I love coats and boots. And I love the fact that all that covers my ugly fat.

5. If one food of your choice could have no calories, what food would you choose?

My first instinct is to say fried chicken! Boy, I love fried chicken! But, I'd have to say noodles because I eat a lot of noodles. 

6. Describe your hair: is it long? short? straight? curly? dyed? how do you like to wear it?

I have short, straight, black hair. I wear it pretty much in its cut, almost bob shaped. It's growing out and I have to recut it soon. I'd love to have long, curly hair but I don't have the patience to grow it. 

7. Diet coke or diet pepsi?

Diet coke. But if I could really go around the question, I really only drink Coke Zero. 

8. 3 favourite books?

The Color Purple, The Bell Jar, The God of Small Things.

9. Who are some of your celebrity thinspirations?

I'm sure this will be the same as lots of other people but, Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Also Kiera Knightly, Victoria Beckham, Rachel Zoe and Karlie Kloss. 

10. What's your bedroom like?

It's got cream walls with dark wood furniture. I have a series of photos in frames tessellated on one wall with a dresser and a mirror opposite. I also have a great stereo. Right now I've got clothing covering the floor. I wish I had a bigger mirror but I've only got one thin, floor length mirror. 

11. What is your dream career? do you think you'll end up doing it?

My dream career is a doctor. And I am doing it! 


My Questions:
1. How would your life be different if you didn't have an ED?
2. Thinspiration or reverse thinspiration and why?
3. Favourite item of clothing?
4. What is your dream holiday?
5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (can't be body related!)
6. Besides your ED, what is your next biggest problem?
7. How much do you think the fashion industry has contributed to your ED?
8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Would you ever get any?
9. How does your ED affect your relationships?
10. If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?
11. What is top of your bucket list?


My nominations:
1. Toofatforwords
2. Oustsideintothin
3. Sam Lupin
4. Jackie
5. striveforperfection
6. nothing tastes as good as skinny feels
7. Christina
8. Lana Banana
9. xXpOsErXx
10. fuckingpicnic
11. Beth

o-b-e-s-i-t-y

Under cover of night I put a pearl in the ground. Where did you go? Not so far. Please don't go, not too far. 

You don't mean that, say you're sorry. You don't mean that, I'll make you sorry.

He leans back in his swivel chair, that permanent jeer plastered on his face. The earring glitters as he turns and points at me. I give an answer and he moves onto the student next to me. The correct answer is the sentence that he is thinking in his head and it's a waiting game to see who he points at and it's a matter of time before one of us gets the answer and this is when the game begins again. 

I'm not really listening. I know all I need to know about population health and so his words flow over me without making any impact at all yet the tension that he generates keeps me rooted to my seat and facing him with eager eyes. He's talking about BMI and how different races have different amounts of fat free mass. It's not news to me, and I'm still barely listening. 

"And it may sound harsh, but if you are Asian and you have a BMI of 21, then you're probably obese." 

Now I'm listening! And my heart feels like it's been kicked in the testicles. Based on that premise, I'm Asian, I have a BMI of 21.7, therefore I must be clearly obese. That is the only conclusion that can be drawn. 

I'm surprised. It's not something I expected to hear. And immediately, I know that he is right, so right and so wrong at the same time. All my years of teaching seems to reel in my head. I know that he is referencing children's BMI ranges, I know that for Asian adults, a BMI of 23 is what constitutes being overweight. I know all this, I know, I know, I know. 

But at the same time, I've just been labelled obese and it's not something that I can shake. I'm obese. I'm obese. I'm obese. Each repetition of the phrase echos a beat of my heart, thudding, faster and faster, panic rising, breaths becoming shallow, mind racing. I'm obese. I am. I am. I am. 

There are 2 voices that take over then. One is the professor. He tells me that I'm not fat, I'm not obese. That my BMI is perfectly normal, and that it is nothing to worry about. But this time his voice is so quiet, like he is talking to me from inside a sealed box. I've been trying to contact him for 2 weeks now with no reply. His hold on me loosens. 

The second voice is a friend. She tells me that I have to face the truth. I have to acknowledge my obesity. "So what, you're obese. So do something about it you lump." So do something about it. There is a rising anger within me. Why would someone say that to me? Why? I'll prove them all wrong. I'll get myself thin. I'll make them sorry they ever called me obese. 

queen of all vegans!!!!

I'M THE QUEEN OF ALL THE VEGANS!!! Mighty words from someone who has been vegan for 3 days. But really, the odd bit of temptation aside, it is SO EASY. I guess it helps that I'm Asian. Quite a lot of Asian dishes can easily modified to be vegan. 

It's also cut my grocery bill in half. I bought a whole lot of fruit and vege for not much money at all! I think I ended up with at least 4 times the amount of food for about half the price. It does mean I have to cook a lot more, but I'm rather enjoying the cooking. I do love cooking after all. 

My intake was around 900cal today. Which sounds awful. But it was because I finished work early and so came home for lunch. Then I went to the gym and came home and had dinner. To be honest, I didn't need to eat that much dinner. I'm so SO SO STUFFED FULL right now. 

Intake of just over 900cal and I burned 400cal at the gym today so that's roughly a net intake of 500cal. Which is awesome. I don't normally eat lunch and today's lunch was almost exactly 400cal so yeah, that figure should improve. 

If my net daily intake is around 200cal, then I should lose weight. It should also raise my BMR so I guess what I'm saying is that it will all help the general effort. 


Although, I must say, running at a net 500cal per day is pretty good. And that's just raw intake and output. With no BMR included. If I include BMR then I'm definitely running with a negative intake which makes me SO HAPPY! Still, I fatigue really easily so it's a big mental battle to keep working out but I have a good workout playlist and there are some pretty thin girls at my gym who I use for thinspiration and some fat ones that I use for reverse thinspiration. 


Still, I have respect for fat girls at the gym. Because at least they're doing something about their weight. 


Working out is much better than laxies or vomiting. It gives me much more of a high. And the real bonus is that it raises my BMR so I burn more calories when I'm doing nothing. Which is always, always, always a plus. I'm so proud of what I've been doing, I wish I could tell the professor. But I can't because somehow I don't think he'll be that happy about it. Oh well. For the first time in a long time I really do feel like I'm on the right track. 


Thank you to strive4perfection, Christina and loveylou for your lovely, lovely comments. You girls made my day! 

that fat person waddle and a new way of cutting

I have a real bone to pick with fat people tonight!!!!! (no pun intended) One of the things that I find most annoying about fat people is the way they walk. Have you noticed that they have this particular fat person waddle that they do? I think it's because their thighs are so fat that their knees can't touch and so they have a real broad based gait. They sort of have to sway from side to side in order to take steps because they can't really put one foot in front of the other.

And because of this side to side, they don't really move forwards that much, well, they're not exactly doing their fat person waddle quickly either. I was stuck behind 2 of these people today...well, I get stuck behind them quite a lot, but today it really got my goat.

It was in the grocery store carpark and I had a trolley full of groceries and it was raining, I was trying to get to my car really fast so that I could just load it up and drive off without getting too wet but alas! It was not to be so! I got stuck behind these people that were doing the fat person waddle and I swear I was so mad I was this [---] close to yelling at them. I was getting drenched in the rain just because they were too fat to walk any faster! Where is the justice in that!

Ugh. I just had to get that off my chest, I am so unspeakably angry at fat people who get in my way. It's so gross to walk behind them and see all that fat. I also hate how they somehow think they can wear leggings. It's like, ummmm, excuse me, you can't wear fucking leggings, you're fucking obese! I don't want to see the exact outline of your rolls of fat! Some things should only be made in small sizes because fat people should not be allowed to wear them. If they want to wear them, they should lose weight.

But yes, the other thing I wanted to talk about was cutting. For those of you who have followed my blog from the start, you will be aware that I like to cut myself. Self harm, call it what you like. Anyway, I sort of felt like sharing that a wee bit more because I've been enjoying it more than usual.

I normally try to restrict the amount that I cut. My favourite part to cut is my forearm and it is just so visible, I don't want to get in trouble for it. I've started cutting my flanks but it's not quite the same. However, I see it as almost an art form and so I started trying to cut in places that I found to be a good canvas if you will. I'm lucky enough to have scalpel blades and so I can make very sharp, very precise cuts, I also have surgical marker so I sometimes mark out where I want to cut first.

Here are some pictures of my scalpel blades:

I prefer this type to the round type because it's easier to use the very tip and so easier to make patterns and such with.

Since I've been doing this since I was maybe 14 or 15 years old, I'm surprised that tonight was the fist time I did it in the shower. I was particularly upset after the fat person encounter and especially stressed about my exam tomorrow and I really wanted to cut but I also knew I'd probably need a shower to calm myself down. Then it occurred to me, I could just cut in the shower. It seems like such a logical thing to do, no risk of somebody walking in and catching me and there is something about doing it in the shower that feels just so CLEAN.

It was marvelous. At the end of the day, I am a surgeon at heart and I am obsessed with sterility. That's why when I cut I try to clean the area with an alcohol wipe first (but sadly I've run out of them) and then I use sterile surgical blades and then I clean the area with iodine. I try to use each blade maybe 5 times, because they are expensive and I can't go buying hundreds of them. Sadly, in the shower they are definitely a one time use thing. But it is sooooo worth it. It was so comfortable cutting the shower and so CLEAN.

This is a cut that I did on my left shoulder a few days ago. That was take two because I was concerned that the cut wasn't deep enough the first time to scar. It is aligned really well and once it has scarred up it will just be some faint lines. That's the beauty of the scalpel, I find that it scars very well, they don't get ugly hypertrophic scars. But that was out of the shower, and I never know quite the best way of cleaning up. I try to mop the blood away but then it just keeps coming until it clots and then I have this awful clot on my arm.

That's the beauty of the shower, the water just cleans it away! I'm a bit OCD about being clean. I just cut and then the blood just ran down my leg and got washed away, it was fantastic. and there is something about hot water hitting the area that I'm cutting that makes it so very soothing. Below is a picture of what I did in the shower.

Yes, that is a picture of my ugly fat thigh. Feel free to use it as reverse thinspo, it is rather disgusting. But let me draw your attention to the lovely, lovely thin lines. So clean! And, look at how parallel they are! I was sitting in a really weird cramped position when I did these and they turned out so well. That was taken right after I stepped out of the shower and now they have reddened up a bit more but still, they look sooooo good! The longer cut goes almost the entire length of my thigh. I don't know why I didn't try this sooner, I see a new addiction!!!

Stay strong my lovely skinnies and soon we will be thin together!

a new stomach

I was watching a show today called "Embarrassing Fat Bodies" and it's all about...you guessed it...embarrassing fat bodies. Great reverse thinspo by the way.

One of the women on the show underwent hypnosis to trick her into believing she'd had a gastric band even though she hadn't. Part of the procedure was the therapist putting a golf ball into her hand and saying, this is the size of your new stomach and this gave me an idea.

The photo there shows me holding up a little container. It's one of the capsules inside Kinder Surprise that holds the toy. I've decided that I am going to carry this with me at all times and when I eat, I will hold it and tell myself that it is the size of my new stomach.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to fast mostly, but when I do feel the urge to eat, I will only eat what can fit inside that capsule and that will be the limit of what I eat. That way, even if I am a total lose and eat 6 times a day, I will only eat a tiny amount.

After the surprise huge weight loss of last week, I am so very nervous about not being able to keep it up next week. I'm not asking for another 7lbs, that would really be too good to be true, I'm asking for 2 or 3lbs.

I can't wait to be 100lbs. I think that being thin, and actually feeling thin must be the best feeling in the world. To feel so light and free, what wouldn't I give to feel that.

I'm starting to have a real issue with food. Normally, I think about restricting all day and I might feel guilty about eating but when I am eating, I am enjoying it. Now, today, when I ate, all I could think was carbs carbs carbs, fat fat fat fat ugly cow. I can't really look at food, it all looks bad. I went out with a good friend of mine today to get a coffee and we had doughnuts, our favourite ones at this cute little cafe. I normally wouldn't think twice about eating a doughnut or two plus something savoury, but today, I got partway through my doughnut and felt so bad I was actually about to sick it all up. But she's a psychologist and I wasn't about to risk doing something like that in front of her so I just stopped eating. I said I was feeling a bit sick and didn't finish my doughnut. Which is something new for me. I never used to leave food unfinished.

With these new methods, I hope to keep losing weight next week and reach 100lbs as fast as I can!