Wednesday, October 19, 2011

that fat person waddle and a new way of cutting

I have a real bone to pick with fat people tonight!!!!! (no pun intended) One of the things that I find most annoying about fat people is the way they walk. Have you noticed that they have this particular fat person waddle that they do? I think it's because their thighs are so fat that their knees can't touch and so they have a real broad based gait. They sort of have to sway from side to side in order to take steps because they can't really put one foot in front of the other.

And because of this side to side, they don't really move forwards that much, well, they're not exactly doing their fat person waddle quickly either. I was stuck behind 2 of these people today...well, I get stuck behind them quite a lot, but today it really got my goat.

It was in the grocery store carpark and I had a trolley full of groceries and it was raining, I was trying to get to my car really fast so that I could just load it up and drive off without getting too wet but alas! It was not to be so! I got stuck behind these people that were doing the fat person waddle and I swear I was so mad I was this [---] close to yelling at them. I was getting drenched in the rain just because they were too fat to walk any faster! Where is the justice in that!

Ugh. I just had to get that off my chest, I am so unspeakably angry at fat people who get in my way. It's so gross to walk behind them and see all that fat. I also hate how they somehow think they can wear leggings. It's like, ummmm, excuse me, you can't wear fucking leggings, you're fucking obese! I don't want to see the exact outline of your rolls of fat! Some things should only be made in small sizes because fat people should not be allowed to wear them. If they want to wear them, they should lose weight.

But yes, the other thing I wanted to talk about was cutting. For those of you who have followed my blog from the start, you will be aware that I like to cut myself. Self harm, call it what you like. Anyway, I sort of felt like sharing that a wee bit more because I've been enjoying it more than usual.

I normally try to restrict the amount that I cut. My favourite part to cut is my forearm and it is just so visible, I don't want to get in trouble for it. I've started cutting my flanks but it's not quite the same. However, I see it as almost an art form and so I started trying to cut in places that I found to be a good canvas if you will. I'm lucky enough to have scalpel blades and so I can make very sharp, very precise cuts, I also have surgical marker so I sometimes mark out where I want to cut first.

Here are some pictures of my scalpel blades:

I prefer this type to the round type because it's easier to use the very tip and so easier to make patterns and such with.

Since I've been doing this since I was maybe 14 or 15 years old, I'm surprised that tonight was the fist time I did it in the shower. I was particularly upset after the fat person encounter and especially stressed about my exam tomorrow and I really wanted to cut but I also knew I'd probably need a shower to calm myself down. Then it occurred to me, I could just cut in the shower. It seems like such a logical thing to do, no risk of somebody walking in and catching me and there is something about doing it in the shower that feels just so CLEAN.

It was marvelous. At the end of the day, I am a surgeon at heart and I am obsessed with sterility. That's why when I cut I try to clean the area with an alcohol wipe first (but sadly I've run out of them) and then I use sterile surgical blades and then I clean the area with iodine. I try to use each blade maybe 5 times, because they are expensive and I can't go buying hundreds of them. Sadly, in the shower they are definitely a one time use thing. But it is sooooo worth it. It was so comfortable cutting the shower and so CLEAN.

This is a cut that I did on my left shoulder a few days ago. That was take two because I was concerned that the cut wasn't deep enough the first time to scar. It is aligned really well and once it has scarred up it will just be some faint lines. That's the beauty of the scalpel, I find that it scars very well, they don't get ugly hypertrophic scars. But that was out of the shower, and I never know quite the best way of cleaning up. I try to mop the blood away but then it just keeps coming until it clots and then I have this awful clot on my arm.

That's the beauty of the shower, the water just cleans it away! I'm a bit OCD about being clean. I just cut and then the blood just ran down my leg and got washed away, it was fantastic. and there is something about hot water hitting the area that I'm cutting that makes it so very soothing. Below is a picture of what I did in the shower.

Yes, that is a picture of my ugly fat thigh. Feel free to use it as reverse thinspo, it is rather disgusting. But let me draw your attention to the lovely, lovely thin lines. So clean! And, look at how parallel they are! I was sitting in a really weird cramped position when I did these and they turned out so well. That was taken right after I stepped out of the shower and now they have reddened up a bit more but still, they look sooooo good! The longer cut goes almost the entire length of my thigh. I don't know why I didn't try this sooner, I see a new addiction!!!

Stay strong my lovely skinnies and soon we will be thin together!

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