Day 18: I'm gunning for you girl so watch your back.

"They tell you trust your head, be like men, but never feel like you're good enough."

Pumped up as hell. Pumped up and scared as hell. At the end of the next week I swap out of general medicine and into orthopaedic surgery. It's true, all the things they say about orthopaedic surgery are true. It's full of muscular jocks. So I'm about to slut it up. It'll be nice to slut it up and have somebody notice. 

I've also just met my offsider for the rotation. She's a lady called Elena, and she's a fully qualified radiologist from Romania but has to completely retrain to practice in a new country and so is starting at the bottom again. With me. Which makes me feel great and like crap at the same time. It makes me feel great because now I'll have an offsider who is competent and I can rely on to do her part. It makes me feel like crap because from the very start it is going to be so evident that she is better than me. 

Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck. I just am never happy. I don't know. Elena, I just have to one up her somehow. I don't know why I feel like this. After all, we are all working for the same team, looking after the same patients. I should just be happy that I'm working with someone as good as she is. But far out, if I can't one up her with my work ethic and knowledge, I'll have to do it another way. Which brings me to my point. 

She's fat. And I'm not just saying that. She's taller than me and much older than me, sure, but she is also twice my size and I'm willing to guess her weight at being twice my weight. And hot damn, by the end of the next three months I want her to be three times my weight. For some reason, that makes me feel so secure. 

Fuck, Elena, I'm totally gunning for you. You'd better just watch it. With my night shifts and my insecurity I will starve myself until I feel better about everything. I will work my ass off at the gym until the fat melts off and I'm toned as a ballerina. I will be beautiful. And I will have the boys at my red stilettoed feet. When I'm doing the sit ups and the leg lifts, I will think of you Elena, and the awful way that you feel, and then the burning of my muscles won't feel so bad. And then, in 3 months time, Elena, I will knock you dead. 

I will eat clean and train dirty. Dirty as fuck. And damn, if I could get my little hands on Mark I would fuck him till I was skinny. But since that is not an option, I'll have to run it all off. 

On that note, I'm down 2kg. At this point I'm not sure if any of it is fat, it might all be food babies that are now gone, but hey, 2kg is something and I'll take it.