ABC diet-fail!

So it's not that easy for me to write another post here. I'm so ashamed of myself that I feel like I can't post on a proana blog that is read by girls who are anorexic and are trying to lose weight.

I think the easiest way to go through this is just be honest. I've been on a 3 day binge. I've had between 800-1000cal each day (which is still lower than my basal metabolic rate so it hasn't been the most horrific binge ever) but it's far from the ABC diet that I'm supposed to be on. I've weighed myself (well, I did last weekend) and it would appear that I've lost no weight at all. I'm so horrified with myself. I am disappointed and angry with myself and ashamed.

I feel like I have no right to have this blog at all, and I by no means deserve to have followers. I have failed all of you. But I promise that I will try harder from now on. I will learn to love the feeling and the peace in starvation even if it kills me.

I will be thin. No matter what.

earthquakes

This post is really going to identify me a little bit, or at least, what part of the world I'm in but I must say that the Christchurch earthquake that happened today is an absolute bloody disaster.

The city is a war zone, buildings are collapsing, people are dead and trapped inside buildings. The roads are destroyed, the emergency lines are down and the cathedral, a city icon, has collapsed.

Good on the emergency service workers out on the streets saving people right now. My thoughts go to all the people in Christchurch and all people who have friends and family in Christchurch. Whatever grace and strength is within me goes to the doctors in Christchurch who are battling their own grief, shock, disbelief and fatigue to treat all the injured during this emergency. Now is the time for them to be superhuman and to be at the sharp end of a difficult situation, and I know they can pull through it.

I'll be thinking, praying and hoping with all of you.

ana buddy!

My lovely skinnies! I will be starting the ABC diet with my beautiful ana buddy CH tomorrow! CH, I love ya girl!!!!

Day 1 and 2 are both 500 calories.

I intend 100 of those to be a can of energy drink. Which leaves me 400cal each day. I'm sure I can get through the first 2 days without a problem.

Having an ana buddy really makes life easier! CH keeps me motivated and knows exactly how I feel when I'm down. We have so much in common, I don't know how I managed to get through life without her!

Words can't express how grateful I am to have found her! She sends me little texts throughout the day and it's just so nice to hear about her progress and get her little updates. They keep me so motivated. After waking at 4 or 5am and just finishing ward rounds at noon and then sitting in a meeting and then faced with the prospect of clinic in the afternoon, all I want is a cup of tea and a sandwich but then, right on time, as if compelled by some telepathic force, CH will text me, telling me she's given all her food away so she can't eat, and I will think, I have to make her proud and I will not eat.

She's that kick up the pants that I need! Plus she gave me the coolest nickname in existence.

CH, you're my inspiration and one of the only people who actually understands me and how I feel. You are truly wise beyond your years and you are such a survivor, you put up with so much shit and you pull through it with enough strength to support both of us. You're my little miracle! Love ya lots girl, we can do this together!

[message to CH: I think I may have found the nickname for you! It just came to me!]

The ABC diet being 50 days long is probably going to really push me to my limits but everyone who has told me about it has said they've lost a tonne of weight so it's worth it!

I love all you girls so much, everyone who is striving for the perfection in being thin is doing something I respect!

hormones et al

So I have just worked out why for the past week have been moody, unreasonable and have had been binging on my hundred and one cravings. Stupid stupid stupid stupid period this morning. I was like, ahhhhhhhhh, so that's it! I'm always like this before I get my period. And I don't get it that often.

Although, despite all that, I appear to have lose weight because I fit into my clothes better. I haven't weighed myself yet because I'm too scared to. I don't want to get on the scale and see that I've gained.

I seem to go down in weight brackets. First it was always within 3kg of 65kg, then 60kg and now I'm well and truly out of all those and to 57kg and next it will be 55kg. I'm looking forward to this. I have a presentation next week and I want to be skinny for it! If I lose 2 kg each week except for once every few months (yeah I don't get it that often) when I'm PMSing then that's fine with me really. As long as I'm still going down in size, I'm okay!

Ana and Mia

So in my quest in trying to decide what diet to go for, I have been binging. I hate myself for that, nobody really needs to remind me about that. I can't believe I was so stupid and basically, even though there are no scales here, I know I've gained weight. I feel physically ill. But I can go and purge because in a house full of doctors, that won't go unnoticed. So purging is completely out of the question. But I'm gaining weight. Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to let mia into my life but I'm really not. She could help me get to where I want to, but she could also completely destroyed my career.

At the same time I am so pressured for time. I've just started in a new department. It's a busy department. I'm doing things I know little about and have never done before. And it's taking me a whole lotta time. Time I don't have. Time I should be spending on writing my paper for SPM and Prof CNM and time I should be spending working out.

Also, the liquid fast last week drew my flatmates' attention. So now they are all paying attention to my eating and are over the moon to see me eating dinner again. It also means they will definitely notice when I'm not eating again. It is also a hundred thousand degrees over here. It's so hot that I can't even think. It's so humid! I'm sorry to be complaining so much but in my tiny room, in the sweltering heat, it's hard to exercise.

Now it's starting to take over my head. All I can think about is Ana and how I'm failing her. And about my paper and how I'm failing my beloved Prof CNM and SPM. I'm pretty much hating on myself.

I'm feeling so sick right now, I totally want to vomit but I can't. I'm hating this. I'm not usually this down in my posts but this just tanks. And on top of that, the deeper cuts on my thigh are too low, one of my friends saw them and asked me. He's annoying though, I almost punched him coz he's so annoying.

Nothing is going right. I'm going to fast again to make myself feel better.

No. One thing is going right. I love patients. I love my work. I love my work so much. Really, besides Ana, I live for work.

just desserts

11 followers! I'm stoked! You guys are absolutely amazing! Also, I should hopefully have internet at the flat on Tuesday so that'll be a nice change. I'm getting a bit sick of updating only on the weekend.

I've finally started watching Top Chef Just Desserts. I've been meaning to watch it for AAAAAAges and finally got the time to sit down and watch. It's not making me crave desserts at all. All the chefs are so weird that it's putting me off eating desserts ever again. The head chef is really quite cute but seems a bit up himself, I suppose he has reason to be though, being a super successful pastry chef and all. Hopefully after this I'll never eat desserts ever again.

I've been eating this weekend, it's hard because there is a certain level of normality that I have to maintain around family and friends. My flatmates don't care, or they're pretending not to so everything at the flat is easy. On weekends though, I have to eat for my family. At least it's only for 2 days a week.

I did so well in the liquid fast that I'm going to do it again. Fasting is really so very easy. The hard part is when I eat a little bit and then crave more. If I don't eat at all then to carry on not eating is easy. It's just not easy to keep hydrated. I'm not sure if I'm going to fast for 5 days non stop. Maybe I will eat dinner on Wednesday just to keep my energy levels up.

Or, I will start the ABC diet. I can't decide what to do. It's just that the ABC diet is 50 days long and it's really quite a commitment. I've done so well on fasting that it just worries me that there are so few fasting days. Also, how on earth am I going to find something worth 100cal to carry me through the day. I suppose I could just eat fruit on those days. I've heard such good reviews about the ABC diet, like losing at least 30lbs that I feel it's definitely worth a go. I will just see what happens. I will have to do something though.

I might just take the easy way out and just do a few days of fasts this week and start the ABC later, counting calories is not easy and so I thought I might wait till I have established internet before I do it. Even though it is all excuses.

I've also got a sprained ankle (my fault, high heels) so running is out of the question. I might just have to stick with yoga and pilates for a while. Better than nothing!

proana

Okay, so I log in today after a week of no internet and find that there are now 10 people following me!!!!! Yay! I'm so happy! It's so nice to feel supported in all this.

So my liquid fast lasted 5 days where I ate nothing, expect a few mouthfuls when I was tasting food when I was cooking for my flat. So all in all I think I did quite well.

I lost 2kg!!! so, like, around 4 pounds! I know that a pound isn't exactly half a kilo, but close enough. I can actually see the difference! I feel skinnier!

I'm so happy! I'm so going to do this more often! Maybe not every week, but I am definitely going to fast more. And at all other times I will eat much less. I'm trying to keep eating days between 500-800 calories and have lots of fasting days. My new goal is to be my goal weight of 49kg by at least June. This is because in June I will be working with Prof CNM for 4 weeks and I'd like him to realise that I've lost weight. If I weight 49kg then, I will be 16kg lighter than when he first met me. If he doesn't realise, I'm sure his wife will.

Over the past week people have been calling me stupid for not eating and saying that I'm attractive enough. But they don't realise that the point is not to be attractive. The point is to be thin. It's hard to explain why it is so important for me to be thin. But it has become so very important.

Besides my job, being thin is now the only other thing that matters. Which is rather nice because it means that I'm not only juggling 2 things in my life.

I've been walking differently because I've worked out that I sort of stand hunched over. If I stand up right and lean slightly backwards and walk like that, then I'm always engaging my abs and so they are aching right now. I know it seems like a weird way of walking but I learnt it from watching runway shows. I realised that runway models seemed to be leaning backwards slightly. I thought it was because of the shoes that they were wearing.

Then one day, when I was walking to work early in the morning, there is this stretch of pavement that's really long and straight, kind of like a runway, there was no one there and so I decided to practice my runway walk. So I was walking like that, long strides, leaning back and my gosh, my abs! So sore! So I'm going to walk like that more often and use my abs more to hopefully flatten them.

Jones and MH are both really pissing me off at present. My two best friends. They're being really unsupportive and petty over the whole not eating and cutting thing so I'm trying to take a break from them. Lucky for me I found CH who is my new ana buddy.

If you're reading this CH, you know who you are, I love ya girl!

I hate people who are so against pro ana. I mean, it's our right to choose this and do what we feel is right. I love pro ana girls, I get so much support from you guys, you don't judge me, you understand what I'm going through, you are always there to hear my whinging and give me advice. I love proana. I love you girls.

a quick note...

Just a quick note to let you fabulous girls know that despite my shitting awful week and multiple binges I still managed to lose 2lbs!!! I'm frankly amazed, not that I'm complaining! Hopefully this liquid fast will do me wonders! 5 days of liquid fast, I should lose some good weight!

a thin red line

Well, I went to see Jones today. He is in no way shape and form interested in me, nor will he ever be. So on the one hand I'm glad he didn't drag me along for months and then tell me. On the other hand I can feel some sort of self destructive streak coming up. So be warned that the next few entries will have elements of cutting and all that so yeah, just a warning in case some of you don't really want to know about it.

So my new scalpel blades have arrived, the new shape makes cutting so much more controlled. I do have to press a bit harder because the blades are so small and thin. And so I really am loving it. I've already carved a tally score into my thigh and a bit lower down my thigh, on both thighs, I'm going to carve a thin red line, on the same level. It won't be easy to get it straight and horizontal.

My parents are giving me crap about work and how I was supposed to finish ages ago. But it's not my fault! I'm waiting on other people to meet with me. I'm upset. Ugh. This sucks. Time to hit the scalpels!

fair trades

Okay, so I want to start this entry with some gratitude and an apology. So sad things first, I apologise for not writing more often, the crappy internet company still hasn't connected us and we are in the process of complaining/connecting with another company so hopefully that will be sorted in the next week. But I'm home now so that's all good and I can post while I'm here.

Secondly, I want to thank HarleeQuinn for the lovely comment! It means so much to me that you read this, like, seriously, I don't think I have the literary capacity to fully express how important it is to me. Does that sound sad? It probably is a little sad, but what HQ says is right, no matter what happens in life, Ana always loves me.

Which makes me feel guilty because I don't always treat Ana as well as she treats me. I know that Ana is always faithful to me and has my best interests at heart and is always patient and caring and loves me no matter what. But I'm not nearly as devoted to her as I should be. She alone has the power to make me beautiful and yet sometimes I choose to ignore her. Like I did this past week.

I started out the week really well, but then on Wednesday it all went to pot when I had a portion of lamb stew for dinner. It wasn't even particularly delicious, but for some reason, the next morning I had a few bites of noodles for breakfast. Like an idiot, I didn't throw the rest out (mostly because I didn't want to clog our sink) and I ended up eating the rest for lunch. And then I had dinner. Then today, I was going to have a fasting day, and it started out well but my team went to a rural hospital to run a day clinic for them and they had prepared lunch for us and it had it sent up from the kitchens, all special. The nurses there really bent over backwards for us, because the clinic we run is quite important for the rural community and for the life of me I couldn't say no to the lunch. I ended up having a quarter of a sandwich and a few pieces of grilled asparagus, which isn't too bad, but like, I don't know what those sandwiches were made of, there was cheese and some sort of sauce...made me nervous. Then I came home for dinner and I had lots of dumplings as some sort of belated chinese new year celebration. ugh.

So I can feel that I've lost no weight this week, god, I even feel like I've gained. I feel like such shit and I have 2 days (less than 2 days really) to do the work I've put off all week. To top it off, SPM, who I am working with, called me to say that he had emailed me and basically there are some extra things that I need to do. I'm feeling a bit snowed under right now! Don't get me wrong, I think SPM is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G and a much better human being than I'll ever be but right now it seems that no matter how much work and effort I put in, it's never enough.

But that's the story of all of us, right? No matter what we do, it never feels like it's good enough, for ourselves, for someone else, or for everyone else. It's just never enough.

What I want is for Ana to give me a super big hug and let me drop some weight! I'm thinking of going on a liquid fast next week. Well, that for me isn't lots of juices, for me that means tea for breakfast, V energy drink for lunch and miso soup for dinner. That should be 150cal per day. All good. If I can keep that up for 5 days and maybe even squeeze in some exercise I should have lost some weight by next weekend.

So that's the whole logistics of it. How it actually works out is another issue, especially because tomorrow I am going to see Jones. Not without MH to hold my hand through it all though. I have no idea what sort of emotional turmoil this will unleash upon my life and I'm really quite scared about it, but it's something I have to do. It doesn't really matter if I end up being friends with him again, or if I just slap his face and walk out, I know I have to see him. Hopefully with retail therapy to follow.

Ana is really the only strength I have right now. It's the only scrap of consistency in my tumultuous life. Ana is always there, always telling me the same things, always supportive of what I want. Like, any relationship, it's give and take, she gives me all the constancy, support and love I need and she takes away food. It's a fair trade.

Anyway, I will let you all know how the showdown with Jones goes down. Stay strong, starve on!